Just for Kids?

Christmas has come and gone, and I barely felt it. I miss Christmases past when I could feel the holiday spirit even months before-- when Christmas was something I looked forward to all year.

Now, it seems like just another holiday. Another holiday you had to get through. And yeah, I know that it's a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, a time of gift giving and goodwill, but all these are just knowledge -- things that are inculcated in my mind.

I miss the joy and excitement that Christmas brings -- or supposedly brings. I miss the goosebumps I get at hearing Christmas songs and seeing Christmas decors. Now, even gifts have lost their appeal.

They always say that Christmas is just for kids. I refused to believe this for the longest time. I believed that Christmas was universal and was meant for all. Why should adults be excluded? That didn't seem fair. But now I guess I must concede. Christmas is indeed for children.

Is it because of the cynicism that develops in us as we grow old? Is it because we're too busy thinking about how to fulfill our daily obligations that we fail to stop and appreciate the simplicity and beauty of the holiday season? We're too busy rushing through our Christmas shopping, ensuring that we stay within our budget. We're too busy planning and preparing for our Christmas dinner whereas as children, we just waited for midnight to come while our moms stressed herself out over the preparations. Now I appreciate everything my mom did during the holidays even more.

The point is, have we become too busy with life that we fail to appreciate or realize the meaning of the things we do? It frustrates me that we can't find meaning in things without the material. Christmas won't feel much like Christmas without the grand meals, the gifts, and the decors. Is it ever possible to feel the spirit of Christmas without any of these things? I guess not.

I wish i can go back to the innocence of my childhood when simple and little things were enough to make me happy. Now I seek something more than the physical and the material. I still can't figure out exactly what it is, but whatever it is, I hope I find it and that it comes to me not just on Christmas day.

Boston

by Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...

Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,

This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across

An open field,

When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry

When they see you

You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,

I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah

Where no one knows my name...Where no one knows my name...

Yeah Boston...

Where no one knows my name.

Self Love

The advice I got over the weekend is to love myself -- to be a little selfish and to think of myself more...to bring myself at the center of my life.

Two very wise friends gave me this advice on separate occasions, but I still find it hard to comprehend. How do I love myself more? Don't I love myself enough already?

Even TNB told me before that I concern myself too much with other people's worries. That I would drive myself crazy if I keep this up. But how do I make myself indifferent to what's going on around me? How can I turn a blind eye to the needs of those whom I care about?

Another key theme in the advice I got is to distance myself. Distance myself without leaving. Another mind-boggling concept. I have to be careful about distancing myself without becoming indifferent, as I think that a state of "unfeeling" is worse than being in pain, for the latter is still somehow capable of feeling.

What makes it harder is that I've always been taught to put others before myself. Selfless love, just like the type of love God gives us. Unconditional love, just as our parents give us. To love without expecting anything in return.

Although I acknowledge that there are just some things that I can't do for others and that they have to do for themselves, I still feel the need to help them in any way I can -- be it through words of encouragement, emotional support, or whatever.

This is not to say that I don't understand the reason for their advice. I have enough worries on my own, and to keep worrying about others, too, can be quite draining. Maybe it's time I start taking care of myself, too.

Perhaps I should just be grateful for these lessons, or for the opportunities to learn these lessons. Although I don't have all the answers yet and am practically groping my way around, I guess I'll have to start focusing on myself for now and start getting to know myself better.

Day 1 starts today.

Letting Go

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

-This was written by a friend's friend who goes by the name Digi Bigbear.

Barriers

I've seemingly become oblivious to that word -- "barriers." For me, things become barriers only when you let them become barriers. Throughout my life, I have encountered a lot of these so-called barriers, but they were more like challenges for me -- things that can be worked around and not really show-stoppers.

In my current predicament, I don't really see any external barriers that can't be overcome if you really want to. Of course, trying to overcome these barriers involves risks -- the risk of failure, of even possibly getting hurt in the process. But I've learned that unless you muster the courage to confront your fears and be willing to take risks then there's no way you can move forward. I've learned that if you always stay within your comfort zone then there won't be much room for improvement and growth.

They say that it's better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all. I live by this mantra because so many times, the things we fear don't even happen, and not taking chances just result in missed opportunities. I've also realized that I can live more easily with regrets over the things that I did than over the things that I didn't do. Time doesn't come back and neither do opportunities. Opportunities can easily slip by if you don't grab them right away. I'd hate to be an old woman later and still be haunted by what ifs and could've beens.

I don't know where my courage and bravado is coming from. I don't know why I'm suddenly fearless. I used to be enveloped by my fears, but now I can't even find a trace of them. I kinda wish I still had those fears just because they protect me. They keep me from wanting to explore uncharted territories. But for some reason, my fears have been replaced by a very strong urge to move ahead.

Now I feel like surging ahead no matter what the consequences may be. I just think that I can be more at peace with failing despite my efforts than being stuck in a place where I don't want to be. Besides, it really is a win-win situation. Trying to overcome the barriers might prove to be successful. But even if it doesn't, it will surely be a learning experience and I'd be a better person for it. As another saying goes, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I guess that no matter how bad things get, the human spirit is resilient enough to be able to move on and recover.

The one real barrier, I think, is ourselves. If we're so consumed by negativity, and if we let all the possibilities -- good and bad -- overwhelm us -- then we will just be paralyzed and be unable to move forward. I think the key is to take things one day and one step at a time. The first step is always the hardest and the scariest. But if you just keep an open mind and be brave enough to take that first step, you might find that it's not so bad after all.

Crystal

The crystal. I didn't get the analogy at first. What's wrong with the crystal? Well, it's beautiful and hard. Rock solid, and yet it's in its final form -- it can no longer be transformed into something else.

And that's how it is. We are in the process of being crystallized. Something beautiful, and yet offers no room for growth. It's like we've reached our maximum potential. Yet, this doesn't make us happy, for the inability to grow further is almost synonymous to death.

Do we just content ourselves with the beautiful for the fear of destroying it if we try to stretch it to its limits, or perhaps even beyond its limits? And yet, what good is crystal if all you can do is stare at it and admire it from afar? What good is beauty and strength if they're all for show?

I keep thinking of what I'd prefer and all I can come up with is gold. Gold isn't as rock solid as crystal -- its beauty not readily apparent. It can melt when subjected to heat and it can be transformed into any form as you see fit. But maybe that's what I want. I don't want something stagnant. I don't want something that's beautiful and "safe," but which can no longer grow.

Gold can become beautiful, too, yet it's never in its final state. It can always be changed into something even more beautiful. It's not rock solid. The more pure the gold, the more malleable it becomes -- seemingly vulnerable.

But I'd rather be vulnerable because that's more real. I definitely prefer that over pretend strength. So what if we break under pressure? Gold becomes beautiful only when subjected to the elements. If it can't withstand all the pressure, is it really something that we want?

Rollercoaster Ride

The past weeks -- or month, maybe -- has been sort of a roller coaster ride for me. It seemed like so many things were happening, each day different. It seemed like I was going through so much, although maybe it was really nothing.

My over thinking and over-analyzing mind went on overdrive recently, which caused all the mumbo jumbo. I seemed to be going through a lot, but then I couldn't really find the words to describe them; hence, the long silence in this blog. I actually only visited my blog yesterday and was disappointed at myself for having written only two posts last month. Not to mention that I've forgotten to write about my monthly blessings -- oh well, another one of those things that are hard to constantly follow through.

I was also physically ill for most of last week. Actually had the flu for the first time in four years. I'm lucky to have a non-fussy (would this pass as a word?) boss. I had to skip work for three days, but ironically, I didn't feel rested at all. Rather, all those physical discomfort just added to the turmoil I was already going through.

I seem to be back to my old self -- whatever that is. At the beginning of this week I vowed that I was going to be happy again. Somehow I had this notion that I could will myself to be happy. Well, I guess I did. No more of the ill feelings, and I hope it stays that way for the next six months at least (why six months? Beats me! --Just some random number LOL).

Anyway, I guess I'm just gonna focus on the positive for now. Although negative things are always looming ahead, I've learned that it really doesn't help to try to address them all at once. I guess I'll have to learn to deal with things as they come and not be so impatient.