All Shades of Pink

Friendship Revised

2011-11-28T23:49:00.000+08:00

I have recently realized that friendship has developed a new and deeper meaning for me.

"Friend" was a word I took for granted in the past. I had no trouble calling people my friends.
However, I've realized that there's more to friendship than just joking around with each other, laughing together, or being "nice" to one another. For me, these have all become superficiality that in no way indicates true friendship.

I have always been cynical towards niceties -- and even more so now. I have always frowned upon being patronized and neither do I see value in patronizing others. For me, true friendship means honesty, trust, and truly having each other's back -- not necessarily consenting to misdeeds, but being there to reprimand so that the misdeeds can be corrected.

I am a great proponent of tough love. I think the world needs more of this as I find this to be more genuine and sincere. Anyone can give you a smile, anyone can be "nice" to you, but not many can tell you honestly and truthfully what you need to know even if it's not what you want to know. Not many can stand by you and believe in you enough to see you through the difficult times. Not many can truly want what's best for you and be happy for your successes.

As Mystical Experience said, we go through several "filtering processes" in our lives where we are given the chance to sort and filter out the people in our lives.

I used to not understand people who claim to have a small circle of friends. I thought this too be too limiting -- even a bit discriminatory. Why not welcome everyone into your circle of friends? Isn't that the right thing to do? But after this changed perception of friendship, I realized that I could count my friends with the fingers of one hand.

I am thankful, though, for having genuine people in my life -- no matter how few they are -- and for having been given the chance to filter out those whom I don't need. This may sound harsh, but then again, that's tough love... and this time, I am directing that love towards myself.

The Lesson

2011-11-26T22:05:00.002+08:00

All these past months -- actually, this past year even -- they've been telling me that I need to learn a lesson -- to be confident, to believe in myself, and to be unmindful of what others think.

I didn't understand this at all. Everyone who knows me would say that I don't lack confidence at all -- they would even laugh at the thought. Although I'm awfully shy (and no, no one believes that either), I'd like to think of myself as confident enough and that I believe in myself enough to have gotten to where I'm currently at.

Yet a year later, they still have the same messages for me. And only very recently did I understand what they meant. I think I know now what the lesson I have to learn is. It was such an enlightening experience -- like a light bulb going off in my head -- a major "Aha" moment. All of a sudden, the messages made complete sense.

It's true that we are being guided, that we are being sent messages (in whatever form) to lead us in the right direction. We only have to know how to listen and to understand the messages we receive and to not interpret them too literally.

With this new found insight and understanding, I go with confidence as I start a new journey in my life.

Bye Pink

2011-11-26T21:34:00.000+08:00

I was finallly leaving after three fustrating years and I sorta felt empty for not feeling any tug of sadness upon my departure. I felt that I didn't have any attachments there and I was only too happy and excited to finally be leaving and starting anew.

I said goodbye to Mr. Guru and just as comfortable as my first conversation with him was some three years ago, saying goodblye was just as comfortable, with the easy chatter and banter between old friends.

When he said "Bye pink" I was immediately brought to tears and I realized that I have had some attachments after all. Meeting someone like him is a rarity and then I thought, no one will ever call me pink again :(

It was followed by some more hreart-wrenching goodbyes and I realized that I have made more friends than I thought after all. Although I'm leaving with some severed ties, the bridges I've built far outweigh them, and these I'll lways take with me.

Fairy Tale Come True

2011-05-01T19:15:00.002+08:00

I've stopped watching cartoons when I was 12 years old. It was just a thing, I guess, to symbolize the end of my childhood and the start of becoming a lady. But the one thing I'll never get tired of watching is Cinderella -- or any fairy tale for that matter.

Well, maybe that's what makes me so fascinated with Prince William and then Kate Middleton.Well, although they both look adorable, I think what interests me most about them is their being down-to-earth. They seem like such good people who don't let the fame and prestige get over their heads.

They also kinda make you think that true love still exists -- the kind that transcends personal and societal differences - that at the end of the day, it's how you regard each other that counts.

Although a lot of people mock the fuss that's going on around this royal couple, I think what they bring is some form of hope and positivity in this world that's full of anger, hatred and broken relationships. I think that a lot of people -- including me -- find them inspiring.

Well, I wish the both luck. I believe they'll be able to make it work, so kudos! :)

Hanging Out with the Kids

2011-05-01T18:55:00.000+08:00

I spent the Holy Week at home. My nephews from Baguio spent the most part of the week with me, and it was nice to spend some time with them, especially since I haven't seen them for months.

I was surprised at how behaved they are now from the last time I saw them. I taught them how to play Scrabble and was surprised at how fast they learned. It was just funny how the younger one acted so much like my little brother when we were still kids. Like father, like son!

They immensely enjoyed the swimming pool, which I haven't tried myself. Again, I have this thing of losing interest in something once I've achieved it. They were ALWAYS hungry haha..but they were also so sweet :) Not a day went by that I didn't get a "Thank you, Tita" (Thank you, Auntie).

We all even ended up sleeping on my bed, which was kinda crazy, but again, it was sweet of them :)

Although I didn't get to do what I planned for the Holy Week, I really had a fun time with those two cuties :)

Why?

2011-04-21T16:48:00.000+08:00

I'm the type who's more interested in the whys and hows rather than the whats. I have a fascination for going to psychics, but I'm not as much interested in the outcome as I am in how the outcome will be reached or why things will end up a certain way.

The first time I talked to Levy, he nicely and correctly said the following about me (verbatim):

You're focused on the living that happens in life, not the last page of the book.

People delude themselves all the time, looking for the happy ending, only to find that you have to live the book in order to find a happy last page.

And this is true. I have always been more interested in the journey than the destination, that's why I find myself seeking more challenges and new goals as I overcome a challenge or reach a goal. The excitement over reaching a goal soon dies out, so I need to keep finding new goals to keep the previous goal meaningful even after the euphoria I feel over it fades.

In everything I do and in any situation I'm caught in, I don't really need to know what's in it for me so much as why it's happening to me; and how I can make the most of it if it's a good thing, or how I can overcome it if it's a not-so-good thing.

I'm currently in such a place. However, in this current ordeal, I don't even have a destination so the journey is undefined. I feel stuck, with nowhere to go. As Infinite pointed out, to move forward is impossible and to move backward is undesirable. So it seems there's nowhere to go.

I'm currently at a standstill -- waiting, though I don't even know what I'm waiting for. For some wisdom perhaps? For a light bulb to go off in my head that would tell me how to get myself unstuck? For destiny to take its course and just take it from here?

Then again, I ask why? I believe that there's a reason for everything. Even the smallest thing that happens to us happens for a reason. So there must be a reason why I'm trapped in these four walls with nowhere to go.
Will I suddenly grow wings so that I could soar above these walls and get out of this trap?

All I have are questions for now. Sometimes it's easier not to deal with the questions when you don't have the answers. Well, if only I can tell my brain to stop thinking.

Inception

2011-04-19T23:43:00.000+08:00

As Leonardo DiCaprio's character says in the movie, an idea is the most resilient bacteria or virus. Once implanted into one's mind, it seems to have a life of its own and can grow either in a constructive or destructive way.

I just saw this at work recently -- how an idea that's implanted into one's mind can give birth to other ideas that may not even be true. Ideas have been implanted in my mind, too, and for sure, they left me feeling disturbed for some time.

I'm just really thankful that I'm surrounded by good people who still believe in honesty and openness. And although it was kinda shocking to learn about these implanted ideas, I'm just glad that we were able to kill them before they could contaminate others.

On second thought, however, maybe the virus has already spread too much to be contained. In that case, I'll just keep myself immunized and watch while the virus does a reversal.

Puppets

2011-04-05T19:49:00.000+08:00

Everyone loves puppets -- or I guess everyone does -- both the young and old alike. And why not? Puppets are cute, plus they do whatever you want them to do. With puppets, you become their story-teller. Yo feel somewhat godlike as you control every move that the puppet makes.

Kids are especially fond of these toys, and sometimes they never outgrow them. It even translates to real life where some people greatly favor people who willingly become their puppets. I guess people never stop to like playing -- especially playing gods. Some people just love to bask in power and the knowledge that they can make people follow their whims.

And then there are the puppets. Unlike the puppet masters, puppets feel weak and unsure of themselves. They find it safer and easier to just follow their master around -- even to the point of turning a blind eye at the wrong that they see. All for the sake of pleasing their masters...or maybe for the fear of displeasing?

I was telling a friend one time that there are three ways that come to mind by which people try to reach their goals. One is the self-assured and assertive type who know themselves, know what they've got, and use these to get to where they want to go. Then there are those who have what it takes and yet do not have enough faith and belief in themselves. They simply wait to be recognized and wait for others to push them ahead.

And then there are the puppets. Puppets may or may not have what what it takes, but in order to ensure that they get to where they want to go fast , they cling to their masters who will surely take them along for the ride. They are willing to be at their masters' beck and call to ensure that they continue to stay on their masters' good side. And why not? It's a win-win situation for both.

So sure, puppets will get to their destination more surely and maybe even more quickly than either their active or passive human counterparts. But I wonder...at the end of the day, will they have something to be proud of?

A Few Good Men

2011-03-27T22:29:00.000+08:00

It amazes me how people go to such lengths to save themselves. What I really wanted to say was, to save their a?$!**.

I just realized recently that even people who you've thought all along were good people -- people whom you thought were incapable of doing anything bad -- would become very calculating, cunning, and manipulative just to protect themselves from things that -- most likely -- they've brought upon themselves.

This really makes me admire people who make mistakes but who are courageous and brave enough to own up to these mistakes and still have a positive outlook on things. I think that these are the truly good people -- people whose values and character do not change even in bad times. These are people who still have a clear and strong understanding of their values even when it means that they will be humiliated, embarrassed, or accused.

It also made me realize that the spirit is too weak to stand up for what is right and that it's so much easier to go to the other side if it means redemption -- at any cost.

This really disappoints me and it shows again how naive I am. But then again, it also adds to my ever growing cynicism and distrust of the world.

I pray that I don't become one of these people who would put their personal interests above what's right and just -- no matter how successful or rich I get and no matter how bad the situation I get caught in is.

I believe that honesty is the best policy. I believe that if you're honest in all your ways then you wouldn't have to resort to cunning and manipulative ways to preserve your dignity. I pray that I never forget this and that I don't get influenced by the growing number of people I know who get ahead in life through such ways. I pray that, although there are really only few good men left in this world, their influence would always get the better of me.

Shield

2011-03-27T22:02:00.000+08:00

They say the opposite of love is not hate -- that it is indifference. Yes, that may be true. But maybe there's another side to it. Sometimes indifference can serve as a defense mechanism. As they say, you'll be happier if you didn't care so much about everyone's lives and everyone's worries.

It was three or so years ago when TNB told me that I think too much and that I shouldn't be worrying too much about other people's concerns or else I'd go crazy. "Let them worry about their own lives," he said.

I've been trying to do that -- and maybe I've even overdone it. I feel that if there's something I can't control then it's best to not just care about it. Pretend that it's not there.

Detachment has also been a trick I've learned. I guess this goes hand in hand with indifference. Nothing ever lasts or stays the same, so not getting too attached makes it easier to let go and move on.

I know this is such a cynical -- maybe even pessimistic -- take on things, but we do what we can to survive. Although the human spirit is strong, it can take only so many blows, so you gotta put something in place to protect it -- an outer layer that will help reduce the intensity of these blows.

With that in mind, I don't think indifference is so bad -- definitely not necessarily the opposite of love. Maybe it can even be brought on by love for one's self. Sometimes it's really the only choice you've got.

Cocoon

2011-03-03T03:03:00.000+08:00

I can never understand why some people are so afraid of change and of coming out of their comfort zone.

I believe I'm a conformist and that I like sticking to proven ways, yet at the same time, I'm totally open to change. I believe that change brings some excitement with it -- excitement from something unknown or mysterious. Excitement over the challenges that will need to be overcome. And of course, they will be overcome -- but the excitement lies in the creativity and resourcefulness required in doing so.

Life will be so boring if we just stick to what we already know -- to what we're comfortable with. Yes, it's nice and cozy staying inside our shells -- our cocoons -- but how can we become butterflies if we refuse to come out?

I find it really frustrating when people resist change, even when the change is clearly for the better. And for what reason? For the fear of appearing ignorant? For the fear of appearing mediocre? But then, won't ignorance and mediocrity be all the more apparent if we refuse to adapt to new ways and adjust our mindsets to be open to new ideas?

Not knowing is not ignorance. Not being the best is not mediocrity.

It's being open. It's learning. It's growth.

Refusing to explore new possibilities, well...it's just stupid.

Back...I Hope!

2011-03-03T02:31:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I lost the zest for blogging. Not that there isn't anything to say. In fact, there are lots to be said, especially with my mind that never stops thinking and musing.

Well, mostly maybe because I've been too busy and too stressed out in the past months that I've had no energy left for jotting down the thoughts that go around in circles in my mind.

I've moved to the new home, but still not feeling settled -- maybe due to the absence of a reliable Internet connection and cable TV, which are my only diversions from the everyday routine.

I guess my home's nice but it's lost its appeal on me -- or maybe my excitement over it was just put out -- because of the builder's below-par workmanship and lack of commitment. Two months after my move, they still have pending work to deliver -- and yet, they've already gotten the complete payment. Well, lesson learned. I'll never employ the services of that builder again.

That aside, the job has been more fun and challenging recently, especially with my project approaching crunch time. It's weird how I get fired up only when the work piles up.

I've also recently joined this charismatic community, and I must say I'm really having a grand time. For once, I actually look forward to attending something that's religious in nature. I guess it's what my soul has been craving for -- some much needed spiritual nourishment. I seem to have been deprived all this time and I'm just savoring every bit of divine inspiration that I can get.

I believe I'm happier now because of my new spirituality. I sorta have a different outlook on life now, and I finally found a piece of the answer I seek -- on what the purpose of my life is. I just seem so full of positive energy now.

I also quit my freelance job of almost a year for a number of reasons. I guess it just means it's time for me to move on to other things. After all, growth won't happen if we just stay in one place.

With all the changes in the past months, I'm quite surprised that Infinite remains perhaps the only constant in my life. What that means, I don't know, but it brings me a positive vibe so I guess it's good.

I hope I can get back to blogging again. I know and feel that a lot of good things will come to me this year so it would be great to have every win, surprise, and joy digitally imprinted for all time.

Daydreaming

2010-09-10T21:16:00.000+08:00

I was elated to learn earlier this week that my condo unit was ready for turnover. I accepted it a couple of days ago and was instantly overwhelmed by all the work that it entailed -- the renovation, furniture shopping, decorating, packing, moving, utility transfers, and the list goes on...all while I'm trying to juggle work and the semblance of a social life.

I met with the builder today and the plans for the design/layout are already in place. Now I just hope I can make it happen.

I'm just so happy to have reached another milestone in my life. Somehow I knew about all of this from since I was a kid. I knew everything would turn out alright. Now they're turning into reality one by one. As I daydreamed of this years ago, images again popped into my head as I looked out the window of my bedroom-to-be. However, this time I have only a few more months to daydream before I finally get the real thing.

No more dealing with nasty landlords or landladies or making do with apartments and rents. Dreams do come true, and I'm proud to have made this dream come true. Not that I didn't want or need help, but I knew it would be more fulfilling in the end if I could do it all on my own -- just because I would know I gave it my all and wasn't slack about it.

As this lap of my race almost completes, it's time to think of new goals to reach, and new things to daydream about...

Puzzle Pieces

2010-08-28T01:57:00.000+08:00

As usual, my mind has been working on overdrive these past months. And somehow, my many questions and wondering still manage to enter my mind no matter how busy I am. But then, somehow, I think I got the answers to some of my questions. I sorta understand things -- and even myself -- better. It's like puzzle pieces that are finally falling into place -- with the answers coming to me from seemingly out of nowhere.

The weird thing is that these new realizations -- which are probably a part of the answer to the big question -- are not dissuading me from my belief. Rather, they strengthen my belief even more. They even support it. Now, I have no more fears inside me. Although doubts still try to confuse me, it seems my belief has grown so strong that it overshadows these doubts. I know it's kinda absurd, but I have sorta embraced this belief as my truth. I feel more comfortable with it now and more accepting of what it will bring me.

I know that the puzzle pieces will all fall into place in time. Whatever the resulting picture is, I seem to be at peace with it already. I just hope I can muster the patience to wait.

What a Week!

2010-08-28T01:37:00.001+08:00

I just had a hellish week that was full of worry and distraction. I had to miss work the whole week, which meant I had used up the leaves I was supposedly planning to use for when EccentricBoy comes to visit next year. But oh well, at least I had leaves to use. The company laptop I tried to borrow came kinda too late, but anyhow, it was still good in case things didn't get resolved sooner.

But once again, I've proven that the heavens really do love me just as Miss Ruth said, and yep, they gave me exactly what I need. Well, at least that's what my hunch tells me. I didn't follow my gut feel the last time I had a strong hunch and look where it got me. Anyway, this time, the hunch is of the good kind.

I keep thinking what the purpose of this week was. I should've been more productive despite missing work. I could've worked on my other projects. I could've gotten more rest, but I was so distracted I couldn't really focus on anything. And I was also too worried to get much rest.

Anyway, the only purpose I could think about was that the "situation" gave me and my brother some time to bond, and maybe allowed me to appreciate him more. We can't be any more different than night and day, and despite the spats we had during the week (Nothing new), I realized that we could handle our differences more maturely now. Same goes for my sis-in-law, who was also there for me. As Miss Ruth said, we're just different, but she's really alright.

Anyway, I hope that this week's ordeal has ended for good and that life can go back to normal next week.

Satisfied

2010-08-28T01:15:00.002+08:00

Love this song...thanks to the Fox!

Highlights

2010-06-11T19:14:00.000+08:00

I'm finally taking some time to write sometthing on my blog, which has been very much neglected these past months. There were so many things that I wanted to write about, but I could never find the time.

The past several weeks have been pretty much a whirlwind -- another rollercoaster ride (yeah, I'm getting quite fond of using rollercoasters as metaphors), one that is fast, scary, and exhilirating at the same time. I've learned and am learning so many things. For once, a string of positive things have been coming my way.

Here's my attempt at giving you a rundown of these things, that - if i had more time -- would've merited their own blog posts.

Shamanic Sitting

I think it all started with this. I went for a shamanic sitting online over a month or so ago. Again, I did it mostly for curiosity. I've never heard about such before my friend (the shaman) told me about it. A shamanic sitting is really for healing the soul. The shaman went into a trance while playing the drums. I, on the other hand, listened to the drums while meditating.I originally thought the drums might sound creepy (thinking of tribal drum playing from Lord of the Flies or some movie like that), but it was actually very calming.

After the shaman came back from the trance, she told me about the "movie of my life" that she watched. She told me how she retrieved parts of my soul that I've lost and how my spirit was cleansed and reborn. She also said my power animal was a big silver she-wolf.

I honestly didn't think anything would come out of this. I did it just for the experience, and it was a good and interesting one.

Well, fast forward to some weeks later, and I realized how much better, lighter, and happier I felt. I seem to be more positive about things, much more enthusiastic about what I have, and much more confident of myself. So I guess my spirit is indeed getting healed in one way or another.

Own Venture

I'm trying my hand at my own business -- not your typical or conventional type of business, but a business nonetheless. This has kept me quite busy and very excited. It finally lets me see the other side of things, and this is like something I can count on in the long-term. I'm not even in a hurry for it to take off. I'm just glad that I've already sown the seeds.

Soul Mates

I really feel so lucky to have met Mickey Mouse. He's been teaching me and mentoring me on the new venture a lot, and why he does it for free still boggles me. Everything, is, of course, very much appreciated :)

Mystic Lady said that he and I knew each other from a past life (1900s in Europe...how interesting!). Well, I didn't find that too surprising. It just made me realize and understand why I felt comfortable with Mickey Mouse from day 1 and why it felt like I've already known him for some time. By the way, before any of you go off thinking other things, Mickey Mouse and I have a working relationship. By definition, a soul mate is someone you've known in a past life and doesn't necessarily have a romantic connotation.

When I told Mickey Mouse about this, he alo seemed in agreement. He said that it must be the reason he's trusted me since the start. Mickey Mouse and I also share a lot in common and we can seem to talk for hours, so I guess there's some truth to the soul mate thing. Well, it's just nice to have met a soul mate in this lifetime -- a real treat for my curious mind :)

STC Event 3

We recently held the third event (2nd for this year and 3rd all in all). I consider this a major accomplishment since a year ago, we were nothing. A year ago, I have given up and lost all interest. Now, I'm just so happy that we seem to be steadily moving forward -- small, baby steps, but sure ones. I also am very happy, grateful, and excited to be working with people who share my passion and enthusiasm for ourr cause. It's a delightful surprise how willing they are to share in the work and how excellently they do their parts. Things can only get better...as long as the negative spirits stay away :P

Going with the Flow

Going with the flow never felt so good. I finally learned how to do it and how to be comfortable with it. I'm loving myself so much that I can't care less how the things that I can't control turn out. It still baffles me how I hold steadfast to my beliefs and how they still feel right -- even more so now than before -- but I'm now less attached to them.

I'm really excited to see what the future holds. It seems my perspective on things have made a 360 turn. I can just feel the positive energies in my veins -- almost literally! I know my cynical self is still lurking somewhere, but for now that self is taking a backseat. Now, I just feel assured that the future will be better than great :)

Lost for Words

2010-05-19T12:22:00.000+08:00

At first there was relief
Now there's only sadness
I didn't have time for grief
I didn't think it'd be a mess.

By now it should have faded
Now there should be no more
It should have left me jaded
But still remains at the core.

Running from my shadow,
Running from my dreams
To the next plains I must go
These illusions I must leave.

Fast Forward

2010-05-16T19:46:00.002+08:00

I haven't written in this blog for so long just because I don't know how to talk about it. It seems so many things, changes have happened in the past several weeks. I feel like I'm in a whirl. The things that I've foreseen happening a year from now or even some years from now suddenly happened, and mostly on whims.

I'm just glad some of these changes aren't as devastating as I anticipated them to be. I find it difficult to describe how it feels, that's why I couldn't write about it. But I'm holding up very well, plus all these other changes make me feel like I'm in a rollercoaster -- both scary yet exciting.

I still obviously still struggle with what words to use, but as Ginger Cookie said, maybe what happened was necessary. Strangely, my belief remains intact despite all the odds against it, but from now on, I'm leaving it all to destiny.

One good thing that came out of this is that I think I've finally learned what it means to let go and to just go with the flow. For now, I'll just wait for the magic to happen in front of me...

Casual Encounters

2010-04-08T21:34:00.003+08:00

Contrary to whatever people might think of me, I really don't think I'm a people person. I'm really shy so I try to stay away from crowds and definitely away from strangers. That just makes me uncomfortable.

Of course, my officemates and friends would be the first ones to disagree, as I'm pretty assertive at work and just laugh at all their jokes -- corny or not. Well, maybe that's my alter ego coming out, for I know I won't survive in the corplorate world if I remain shy and timid.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I don't hang around people a lot. I don't meet new people a lot, and I'm usually not the first to strike up a conversation if I were seated next to a stranger, making me seem "suplada" (stand-offish).

So whenever I have unusual or unexpected interactions with people, I tend to question them. Like why did I meet that person? Why did I get along with that person? I don't meet a lot of people so I don't really get along with new acquaintances a lot either. It's then not very often that I ask these questions.

This is one instance when I'm asking those questions. I don't pay attention to the people around me when I go out -- to the mall, restaurant, or whatever. I don't remember faces, and I don't like to look or stare because for some reason, they sense me staring (even when they have their backs to me...weird!) and that just makes for an embarassing situation.

Anyway, Glimpse is someone I remember seeing in church. Glimpse must be the only stranger I bump into every now and then -- well, not really "bump" into, but someone I remember from church and someone I actually recognize. Hmm, that's new for me because as I've said, I don't pay attention to the people around me. And I haven't really seen Glimpse upfront - mostly just out of the corner of my eye. Glimpse seems to be giving me glances, too.

Of course, it's just my curiosity going on overdrive, because for a stranger, Glimpse is becoming quite familiar. And so again, I ask why?

Stubborn or What?

2010-03-30T11:31:00.001+08:00

It's funny how we seek answers about things and yet become prejudiced about the answers we get. Why do we seek answers if we can't accept them anyway? If we will still insist on what we believe in anyway? Is it because of our need for confirmation of the things we believe in? Is it because we need assurance that we're on the right path?

My friends know me for my curiosity. For some reason, people whom I meet can tell that about me right away. Maybe it's because I ask too many questions? I can also be "makulit" (persistent, insistent). Some people get annoyed that I ask too much while some -- and I think there are more of this -- find it amusing and are only too happy to indulge me. I guess the latter are mostly the people who like to talk and to answer questions, and I'm only too happy to listen...and to ask some more. It's fascinating how I do absorb a lot of the information I'm told. MindReader just mused (incredulously LOL) about how I remember everything -- maybe it's more of a female quality LOL.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of asking, listening, and absorbing. But I've sorta been getting somewhat contradictory information, and now the problem is understanding. Understanding which of this information is true or valid. I believe, too, that I've been getting bits and pieces of the answers I seek. While they do make sennse and my head's giving a vigorous nod, there's a voice from my gut feel that's screaming "No!"

Although I've gotten some enlightenment from a friend about the difference between intuitive and logical thinking, I'm still struggling to separate the two. Logic steps in so quickly that I don't even have time to process what my intuition is saying. Logic is able to rationalize it so well, but why is my gut feel still struggling to be heard above the loud reasoning of my logic?

I wonder if I'm just being stubborn to accept the obvious, or if my intuition is somehow justified in not wanting to shut up and stay mum. They say that in time all the puzzle pieces will fall into place, which will lead to an understanding of everything that is being and has been. So then I guess only time will tell. Until then, though, the silent war between my logic and intuition shall continue to rage.

My Past Lives

2010-03-19T00:28:00.000+08:00

I was talking to an energy reader, and she was telling me about my past lives (among others, of course). From my understanding, an energy reader is a type of psychic who is able to make predictions based on your aura or by receiving messages from the other side. Someone like John Edward of the show Crossing Over with John Edward.

Well, this was the first time I got any sort of insight into my past lives. MissMetaphor and I have always wondered about our past lives and how we could learn about them. This was the closest I got. Who can ever vouch if these are true or not? Still, I find them interesting, so here goes...

Village Caretaker

Let's name the reader Mystic. Well, she said that I have a deep-rooted desire to help people in my spirit.

Apparently, I worked in ancient Egypt as a village caretaker. I was a woman shaman who was a healer and caregiver to my tribe. Mystic said I was a true healer then, that's why I now have healing energy in me, and I make everyone feel good when I am around them (How true? LOL).

An Italian Child

It seemed that in the 1300s in Italy, I was the daughter (a little girl) of a pretty well-to-do Italian family. I was pictured walking and being led by a family, with a woman holding my hand. I was wearing soft animal clothing. I was picking flowers along the way when I fell off a cliff.

The reader said this is why I'm not fond of high places, and true enough, I have a fear of heights.

Member of a Greek Temple

Mystic said I was an active member of a Greek temple in the 1400s.

Well, I'm not particularly interested in Greek mythology, but I do find it fascinating.

Rockin' with Paramore

2010-03-16T14:24:00.000+08:00

I dunno why I'm getting lazy to blog these days, especially when I supposedly have the time since I've just finished a project. Hmm, maybe it's partly because I just wanna keep things to myself or also maybe because I've been yappin' so much with MindReader; I get drained of the energy to yap some more on my blog.

Anyway, I was at the Paramore concert last week. It was great, though Araneta Coliseum would've been a better venue. There were no seats at the MOA (Mall of Asia) Concert Grounds, so everyone was just standing and milling around. That made it hard to get a good view no matter where you positioned yourself. Well, at least they had good monitors or whatever those things are called.

Callalily was their opening act, and though I'd normally like them (one of the few Filipino bands I kinda like), I didn't pay much attention to their performance. They didn't sound good live. Their instruments sounded like fingernails scratching a blackboard, and was that even singing? Kean does sound quite okay on the recorded stuff but really more like shouting when he was supposedly singing live -- kinda tuneless. Oh well, his "cuteness" didn't help at all. Anyway, they didn't get much response from the crowd who was just anxious for Paramore to come on already.

Haley's performance was superb, and though she was kinda screaming a lot, at least she was stil singing. I was just kinda disappointed that they didn't sing Hallelujah and We are Broken and also that Josh Farro wasn't there. Anyway, they did sing a lot of their popular songs, and it made for a great rockin' time.

As an epilogue so-to-speak, I'm just fascinated and qute amazed that even taxi drivers and tricycle drivers knew about Paramore and their songs. Not to be discriminatory or anything, but I just didn't see Paramore as the type of band who would appeal to such a wide range of audience. I pegged them to be a band that would appeal to the angstsy music lovers like myself :P

I was just browsing through my Manifestation Blog yesterday and realized that going to a Paramore concert was one of my "wishes". Well, that's one wish already come true.

Health Conscious

2010-03-11T12:20:00.002+08:00

The company I work for is focusing on wellness programs this year. Ever the employee-oriented company, they believe that they'll save more (at least when it comes to HMO costs) by helping their employees stay healthy. Of course, this also helps employees become more productive.

This year, they're putting even more emphasis on staying healthy, espcially since annual physical exams for last year showed obesity as the number one health problem for our company. Because of this, a series of seminars and consultations with Intellicare doctors and Nestle nutritionists were conducted a few weeks ago. The seminars were real eye-openers for me, correcting a lot of the wrong notions I had about food and diet. We also have a month-long access to fitness classes for free.

In addition, they conducted blood tests to get our cholesterool levels and sugar counts. This was part of a contest the company's holding. It's called the Biggest Loser/Biggest Gainer, where employees who've lost (for overweights) or gained (for underweights) the most would win. There are cash prizes and even a trip for two for the winners. Nestle and Intellicare will be back in the middle of the year to check on everyone's progress.

This has introduced a new challenge for me, which is to eat healthy without starving myself. I need to lose only 7 Kgs., which is very doable, and I'm happy and excited to be seeing my progress week after week. I"ve been seeking a new challenge or a new project, and eating healthy makes for a very good project.

I will not diet just to lose weight; rather, my goal is to change my eating habits. So far, so good. I've realized that I don't have to limit myself to boring and tasteless food just to lose weight. I can still pretty much eat whatever I want but in moderation and by choosing healthier alternatives if possible.

I've quickly gotten into the habit of looking at labels and counting calories. I'm challenged to be creative with the food I eat, especially since I easily get tired of always eating the same food.

I just feel so lucky with the company I work for. Not only do they take care of our bank accouts; they also take care of our well-being. As FoodLover says, where else can we find a company that teaches and encourages us to be healthy and even reward us for it?

Weekend Adventures

2010-02-28T20:54:00.003+08:00

Just had a long, but fun day yesterday...quite unusual for me on a Saturday. Anyhow, I felt I had a lot of things accomplished.

I was supposed to meet MissEngineer, but as expected (???), we never got to meet at all...LOL. Hmm, nothing new anyway :P

New LCD Monitor

My CRT monitor was about to go out completely. I was so scared and worried the other day coz I couldn't get my monitor to start up when I had some work to do. So before it completely died out on me in the middle of the night or in the midde of some critical work (hate when that happens), I just decided to buy a new one since I was at the mall anyway. I got a 20-inch Samsung LCD. It was quite pricey, but with HSBC's 0% interest promo or something, I decided why not? I'll be watching a lot of movies on my PC, too, so why not get a good-quality monitor?

Condominium Dilemma

So I've been thinking about selling my Cambridge Village unit to buy another condo unit somewhere nearer Makati. Cypress Towers of DMCI was my prospect, so I went tripping there wth the DMCI agent I met some four years ago. Well, I only felt disappointment at the entire condominium.

For one, I really didn't dig what they call the Neo Asian design. The lines on the walls (whatever they call it) make the place seem claustrophobic for me. The model unit was also very small for its price, and it felt kinda gloomy. I just felt like getting out of there as soon as I could.

The only plus sides were that the unit had a terrace in the master bedroom and that it was nearer The Fort and the Makati CBD. However, I didn't feel at home there and really felt quite uncomfortable. The grounds were also quite unappealing, and they had much fewer amenities than Cambridge Village. It just didn't wow me.

I later went to Cambridge Village to check out the building where my unit was. I was glad to see it was nearing completion, but it still wasn't possible to go inside. I looked at the model unit again, and it instantly brightened my mood. Although I'd seen it before, it still wowed me. It felt more homey (homier? LOL), and I could imagine living there more. It's got more space, too, and the condominium's grounds felt more like somewhere I'd like to just hang out at to get some fresh air or something.

So that's settled. I'd no longer sell my Cambridge Village unit. I'd rather deal with the long commutes twice a day than go home to a cramped place that does nothing to cheer me up.

Backstreet's Back!

Speaking of getting cheered, I had a perfectly awesome night at the Backstreet Boys concert. Unlike the rock concerts I usually go to where the guitars seem to overpower the singer's vocals, it was good to be at a concert where vocals were the main source of entertainment. Of course, it was also good to watch a group of performers who could sing and dance at the same time. Well, obviously, I have a lot of admiration for these guys.

It was also great fun just screaming and singing along with them. For an hour and a half, I was transported back to the euphoria of the good old days, and all the stress I've been feeling the past few weeks momentarily faded.

The music was great. They had a DJ instead of a full band. But bonuses were that Brian and Howie D. blew me kisses and they, together with AJ, waved at me...so exciting! Brian also gave out some roses to the audience, and during one of the short intermissions, one of the guys from their crew gave me a rose! :)

Admittedly, I would've been more excited about all these 15 years ago...LOL! But I still absolutely enjoyed it and would go see them again and again.

Finally Taking Off!

2010-02-23T16:10:00.002+08:00

We recently held the first event for our professional organization after almost two years. Baby steps. Small, but reachable goals. We seem to have found the formula for making things work.

Success is not measured by numbers. In this instance, success is measured by the qualitty of the experience. Overwhelming goals just won't cut it and will only lead to frustrations and eventually to death.. of our will and our spirit...to keep moving forward.

I was just so happy to be around like-minded people who shared my enthusiasm, passion, and ideals -- who believed that small steps were the way to go. I couldn't imagine what we were thinking before -- coming up with such huge plans and huge goals for something that was only starting. On hindsight, it all seems ridiculous now. No wonder it all failed.

With renewed vigor and enthusuasm for our ideals, I can see things only getting better. I'm so happy and grateful for the people I met along the way. This time, I'm staying on this track, and no one can divert me from this direction.

Looking forward to more successes in the future...I know now they're within reach! :)

Ugh!

2010-02-14T00:55:00.011+08:00

I had such a tiring week, and I can't understand why despite all my efforts to plan ahead, i still had to scramble in the end. Match that up with being struck by colds and nausea, and that had all the makings of an awful week.

I am a big believer in planning. Knowing what lies ahead helps me better organize the things I do, enabling me to make sure that I allot enough time for each. It seems I've been even busier since the start of this year. I've had to juggle my time among going to the office everyday, working on my freelance gigs when I get home, "leading" (???) a professional organization, spending time with friends and family, and doing errands among others -- oh, and of course, sleeping.

I have a lot of friends -- mostly guys - who say they don't plan ahead, that they take each day as it comes, that they live for the moment. Well, I really can't imagine living this way, and neither can I understand how they manage to live that way.

Sure, it's good to be relaxed and not get all stressed up about everything, but I've also read something that says you should be worried once you feel too comfortable or something like that, and I really believe this. It's when you're too comfortable and too complacent that you're caght off guard, and that can get things really messed up.

I guess it's part of my cynical nature that I make sure I never rest on my laurels. I make sure I'm always aware of the things going on around me in anticipation of possible problems. I never take anything for granted.

The awful thing is that no matter how alert and prepared I try to be, I still can't help falling victim to others' complacency and being the one to suffer for it.

Ugh! If you can't get your act together, can you at least spare me?

Pay It Forward

2010-02-09T14:33:00.003+08:00

I learned most of what I know in my work from my mentors -- my managers and some teammates with lead roles. What I appreciate most about my mentors is not really how good they are with their job, but how willing they are to share their knowledge.

I really appreciate it when others help you become a better person by giving you advices and honest feedback. This information is something I take with me even long after the working relationship has ended. It's amazing how even mentors from afar can leave their mark in my being through the knowledge and wisdom they've imparted with me.

One such mentor has been coming to mind lately. She used to give me a lot of tips on how to handle certain situations and how to improve the way I do my work. She constantly gave me the same advvices and reminders throughout the years that I've known her that I didn't realize they have become a part of me.

I used to take the things she told me for granted just because there really wasn't any opportunity to use or apply them. I didn't realize, however, that I've been putting those advices to good use recently. I just realized it when I started hearing myself talking like her whenever I share the same tips and advices with others. The amazing thing is that I don't even have to struggle to remember these things. I just do them naturally (probably because of hearing it so much for so long?), and I find that following these advices makes me feel empowered and confident.

I recently thanked her for all of the things she imparted with me, and her advice this time was to pay it forward, to also share with others what I have learned. Another awesome advice, and one that I totally agree with. I am totally in favor sharing what I know with others. You sort of replicate yourself this way as opposed keeping what you know to yourself for the fear that you might become dispensable. The latter, I think, is selfish and does not promote any growth.

A good leader, I think, is not one who has all the know-how because these thngs can be learned from books, and not one who just helps you in the moment by addressing a particular concern. I think that a good leader is one who can help you become a better person above and beyond what your job calls for and who truly cares about your development as a person and provides you with the guidance you need.

Sleep Pattern

2010-01-28T11:33:00.002+08:00

Recent studies show that the human body doesn't really need eight hours of sleep to feel rested and re-invogarated. They say that all that talk about having at least eight hours of sleep is mostly just media hype.
They say that people need different amounts of sleep but that most get by on six hours of sleep. One constant advise they give is to go to bed and wake up at the same time everyday.

This week, I have been consistently (but unintentionally) going to bed at around midnight and waking up at around 5AM. Surprisingly, I feel rested -- more rested than getting 6 to 8 hours of sleep where I sleep and wake up at random times. The latter actually made me feel more sluggish. Another thing is that I no longer wish for coffee first thing in the morning.

This is not to say that I'd no longer sleep in during the weekend (LOL!), but I guess it does help to maintain a consistent sleep pattern during the work week, especially when I have tons of things to do and only so much time left for sleeping.

Up Again

2010-01-27T23:11:00.001+08:00

It;'s amazing how I'm on the roller coaster ride again. I thought it has come to a stop, but it seems I'm at the roller coaster's peak again.

It's crazy how things get broken down then quickly rebuilt. As Miss C and Miss Battery said, this must be how things are meant to be...our destiny.

What I've been Up To

2010-01-25T12:27:00.007+08:00

Just some updates about how I've spent the past few weeks...

Avatar

Went to see Avatar with the Engineer a few weekends ago. Tickets were already sold out at the iMax theaters, and rather than go alone, I agreed to settle for a 3D cinema in Glorietta. Well, the movie was actually good. Nothing new in the theme and I saw no "hidden messages," as the so-called hidden messages were pretty much what the movie was really about anyway.

The movie also showed that science can only do so much. CS and I were talking about cloning and how the souls cannot be cloned. But if the soul cannot be cloned, what becomes of cloned human beings? Are they merely robots? Who would want to be just a clone?

Anyway, apparently souls still can't be cloned even in movies. Even the fictional Na'vi people had to rely on their deities to breathe a soul into an avatar - a mere robot. Makes me wonder again why science is trying so hard to disprove things that are spiritual in nature.

Anoher thing I liked about the movie was that when it ended I felt that it was really the end. There was a sense of a "satisfying closure" that I don't get with other movies where I go "huh?"

O'Sonho

I and a group of girl friends had our supposedly monthly (more like every 2 months really) dinner, and this time we tried the Portuguese resto along Jupiter called O'Sonho. I was really curious about Portuguese food, which Infinite raved a lot about. Well, although O'Sonho's dishes were really a fusion of Portuguese and Filipino, I found the food really superb. I wish I could go back there except that, other than this group of girl friends, I don't really know anyone who's adventurous with food. My family only likes Filipino food. Bo-ring! Anyway, as Infinite says, I guess that authentic Portuguese food is available only in...Portugal :P

Aside from the food, I really had fun hanging out with my girl chums, especially with PrettyLady now joining our dinners. It was just so nice to hang out with old friends and reminisce about the good ol' days -- both about us and other people we know -- as well as talking about the current stuff.. and some girl talk that I didn't expect...woah!

Well, I really enjoyed the dinner and can't wait for the next one. Wonder where SexyMomma will take us next?:P

Cambridge Village

With all the negative news I've been hearing about Empire East Land Holdings, and Cambridge Village in particular, I and the Engineer (She recently bought a unit there) decided to pay the condominums a visit just to make sure that our supposed units are really there and are not just imaginary :P

The Engineer's unit is already done, and it looks really nice. I'm so excited for her. The building that houses my unit is still being completed, but I hope it gets done before June! I'm really excited to move in!

We looked at the model units, and I'm now getting so many ideas on how to decorate mine :) Rather than hire an interior decoratior, I've agreed to let the Engineer take care of designing my unit, for a meager professional fee of P100/ square meter... LOL!

My only problem there is its distance from the Makati CBD. However, it's pretty near The Fort and near Ortigas, Eastwood, and the TechnoHub. I'm sorta thinking about selling the Cambridge Village unit and buying a unit in Taguig. However, Taguig is close only to Makati and the Fort and might be really far from the other areas. Since this will most likely be my permanent residence (until the US visa comes at least), I do have to consider these things, especially since I might not always be working in Makati.

Anyhow, I think I'll be pretty happy living in Cambridge Village if I don't find a better solution to my commuting dilemma. And no.. buying a car is out of the quesion...LOL!

The One that Got Away

2010-01-21T12:21:00.002+08:00

Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

(This is a repost of a friend's repost...I think this kinda makes sense...)

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, one who WILL ALWAYS MEAN SOMETHING. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with… and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with whom everything was great, everything was perfect, but THE TIMING WAS WRONG. There was NO FAULT IN THE PERSON, there was NO FLAW IN THE CHEMISTRY, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. IT HAS TO DO WITH YOU BEING READY TO SETTLE DOWN AND COMMIT TO SOMEONE IN A WAY THAT GOES BEYOND THE LITTLE NICETIES OF GIDDY ROMANCE.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequentially become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flash-point of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens, you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And, it’ll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully, you’re single, but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale-like you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been”, but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who is already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not too late? Simple… find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, WHAT IF YOU GOT THAT ONE?

ASK HIM OUT TO COFFEE; ASK HER OUT TO A MOVIE. It doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, YOU JUST MIGHT BE “THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

“Everything happens for a reason…”, said the one that got away.

Keeping the Peace

2010-01-20T09:39:00.001+08:00

I've finally attained some peace after weeks of trying to get myself grounded.

Now I'm careful in how I move lest I disturb the peace.

Allow me to bask in it for awhile, for I know this is just another lull in the storm...

Simpler is Better

2010-01-18T11:36:00.005+08:00

This is the slogan of a company where I used to work, and somehow I've tried to incorporate this way of thinking into my daily life.

Whenever I encounter difficult situations, I try to simplify them before I even try to think of a solution for them. And now I'm trying to employ the same principle on how to better handle an endeavor that has long been failing and getting stuck because of the original aim of thinking big and doing things big.

Despite the many who thought that this was the way to go, it just didn't work. We're obviously still where we used to be -- well, maybe we've made a teeny weeny bit of progress, but I can't help thinking that we could have accmplished more had we approached things differently.

Although I'm all for dreaming big and seeing the big picture, I believe that it's better to start small and to take baby steps. After all, isn't that nature's way of growing things?

Similarly, in the efforts to grow the seeds of an ideal, I think it's best to keep goals and expectations small and simple. This way, it will be easier and faster to get gratification from efforts, which can otherwise lead to frustration. It is also a popular belief that there is strength in numbers, that more heads are better than one. But I think that more than the number, commitment and the quality (for lack of a better term) of the minds at work are more important. A bunch of half-hearted wills (again, for the lack of a better term) is really quite useless when compared to a few who strongly believe in the same ideal.

I met with a small group of colleagues in efforts to continue pursuing an ideal, and I must say that enthusiasm is indeed contagious. I hope we can sustain this eagerness, as frustration, discouragement, and the lack of commitment are just as contagious.

With fresh minds joining in and with our optimism rejuvenated, I have high hopes that maybe, just maybe, this time it will finally work.

Power Starved

2010-01-16T11:24:00.003+08:00

It seems I've talked about this so many times before under different circumstances, involving different people. But somehow it keeps recurring.

I can never understand why some people just crave attention, which sometimes -- maybe often? -- leads to the craving for power. It amazes me, for instance, how some people have a way of turning every conversation so that it becomes about them. Why do they always feel the need to steal the show? Is that their feeble attempt to feel -- err, seem -- important? Or smart perhaps?

And then there are the people who easily fall for flattery. I hate flattery, especially if it's obviously the empty kind. So many people get manipulated through flattery, and I just don't get it. I'm not probably the best person at handling flattery. I'm not particularly good at taking compliments. I let them in one ear and out the other. I'm too cynical to accept any form of flattery or compliment as sincere. Anyhow, I know myself, so what others say don't really matter. It just irks me how some people let flattery get into their heads, making them suddenly act all-important when the flattery is so obviously untrue.

And then there are people who don't need attention or flattery to think greatly of themselves. Of course, self esteem and self confidence are important and even encouraged , but there are just some people who put themselves on a pedestal and don't take the time to realistically and truthfully evaluate themselves.What's worse is that they think they're so great that everyone else is less than they are.These are usually the type of people who stop at nothing to get ahead -- even to the ploint of undermining others.

Well, I'm obviously someone who hates attention, flattery, egotism, and most especially the cunning. I believe that if you're really good then people will know your worth without you having to broadcast it. I believe that you can assert yourself and get ahead without stepping on other people's toes.

I truly admire people who keep low profiles and yet are successful and well known for what they do. I think that people who keep calling attention to themselves are really insecure and are grasping at straws in order to get the attention and power they crave.

I would admire quiet confidence more. The truly confident are secure in themselves and do not feel the need to get other people's approval to know their worth.

Eye Opener

2010-01-13T09:41:00.009+08:00

I was talking to CS about the same things I talked to Infinite about. But for some reason, Infinite and I couldn't understand each other's point of view while it was so easy with CS.

At any rate, I finally understood what Infinte was trying to say, thanks to CS, and it seemed so clear to me. I felt so enlightened.

I have been meeting more and more people who are against the church -- mostly the Catholic church, but I realize now that it may as well be any church. I mistook that to mean they were against God to which I revolted -- for lack of a better term at the moment.

Save for the aetheists (no offense!), I've realized that it's possible to believe in God without subscribing to everything that the church -- any church -- says. Churches are, after all, man-made and subject to imperfections just as the next human being is.

What's saddening -- and perhaps frustrating -- is that some people equate their belief in God to the credibility of their church. Just because church leaders fail in one way or another doesn't mean that there's no God or that God is not as good as these church leaders say He is.

I guess I was being too idealistic to think that church leaders are infallible because they're not. A week ago I was attending mass with a friend, and the priest had some "commercials" before the mass ended. He was selling some religious materials where orders could be placed through his email addrss, customized cellphone number (a number that spells out his name), and even a Facebook account! Ugh...I was trying hard not to roll my eyes. My friend said that the priest was even texting while the choir was singing (Couldn't wait to follow up on those orders?). OMG!!!

Even the Bible is flawed, they say. But then again, the Bible has also been written by men who were just as imperfect as you and I. Besides, the Bible has been translated in so many ways, so many times that the author's intended meaning could have been lost in translation.

To make things more complicated, Bible text isn't as straightforward as a user's guide where there is no ambiguity and one procedure step can only mean one thing. It seems that the Bible's meaning can be interpreted in many ways -- literally or not-so-literally, and this again can be manipulated by churches and church leaders to serve their purpose. They can be twisted to mean anything, and people would believe them without question.

In addition, I've heard a lot of stories about how the Vatican is bathed in gold and how Vatican priests live like princes. I personally know nothing of this. I think this side of the Catholic church is kept hidden from most people, except for the few who had the privilege of seeing it for themselves. Although I'm not inclined to believe this -- or maybe I don't want to -- the many stories I hear prompt me to keep an open mind.

All these realizations do not dissolve my faith in any means. It just makes it clear to me that I should direct my faith in God and not in any church and to start trusting in my own values more than in the dogmas that churches teach. Religions evolve to cope with the times, but faith in God should always hold steadfast.

My Prayer

2010-01-06T11:01:00.001+08:00

If You will it for me, please give me the strength to carry on.
If not, please give me the strength to let go....

Listening In

2010-01-05T11:00:00.013+08:00

They always tell me to trust my intuition. But intuition and logic seem to get mixed in, making it hard for me to identify one from the other. I believe both are gifts. Our intuition helps us sense and see things that are not readily obvious while logic helps us make sense of the things we see.

My gut feel has proven me right a lot of times. Lately, however, my gut feel seems to be drowned out by what my logic tells me. My logic seems to be screaming so loud that I don't even get enough time to process what my intuition's telling me before logic takes over.

Perhaps I should learn to silence my logic for once. That seems a scary thought, but perhaps not everything has to or can be explained. Perhaps it isn't necessary to make sense of everything. Perhaps a little chaos would do some good.

As I remember my resolution for this year, perhaps I should just go for it and throw caution to the wind.

White Elephant Party

2010-01-03T01:02:00.005+08:00

I recently attended a post-Christmas white elephant party with my former teammates (When I say "former teammates", I refer to my Information Development teammates 'cause they're the teammates closest to me). I was sorta lazy to go considering that I'd be on vacation by then, but I really missed the guys (read: everyone), so why not?

White elephant gift exchanges were first introduced to us by HappySanta, and they've seemingly become a part of Infodev Christmas parties. The game was fun as usual. But whoever invented that rule about not laughing at a joke anyway? I laugh so easily, I was the easy target for this. Next time, I'll have to practise being more unsmiling and un-laughing.. or maybe I should go to such parities in a sullen mood...yeah, right!

It was seeing everyone -- well, those who came anyway -- that was the best part. It's amazing how this team seems to still be whole despite the members having gone their separate ways for almost two years now; how everyone's still in touch with each other. It's even fascinating how old issues still haven't died. So high school, I know, but there you have it.

No offense to other past and present teams and teammates, but I will always feel bonded to the Infodev team -- personally and professionally. Can't wait for the next party!

The Me Year

2010-01-03T00:45:00.007+08:00

I'm actually excited with the coming of this year. I can feel that exciting things will happen this year -- or perhaps I'll make those exciting things happen. Whichever the case, I know this year will be different.

This year will be a year of growth and change. I can almost hear Merl and Job muttering that my blog's about life lessons or "high school lessons". Yeah, well, I'm a late bloomer :P And I guess that comes from always playing it safe.

This year I hope to become UN-ME. To do things I don't normally do. To be more impulsive. To be more passionate about the things I do and not just doing them because I have to.

I'm glad that I got to achieve most of my New Year's resolutions last year. This year, I won't even attempt to list them down, as there are too many. This year, it's gonna be all about me -- focusing on my goals, improving myself in all aspects, and just being happy. Worries, go away! :P

Just for Kids?

2009-12-27T23:33:00.011+08:00

Christmas has come and gone, and I barely felt it. I miss Christmases past when I could feel the holiday spirit even months before-- when Christmas was something I looked forward to all year.

Now, it seems like just another holiday. Another holiday you had to get through. And yeah, I know that it's a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, a time of gift giving and goodwill, but all these are just knowledge -- things that are inculcated in my mind.

I miss the joy and excitement that Christmas brings -- or supposedly brings. I miss the goosebumps I get at hearing Christmas songs and seeing Christmas decors. Now, even gifts have lost their appeal.

They always say that Christmas is just for kids. I refused to believe this for the longest time. I believed that Christmas was universal and was meant for all. Why should adults be excluded? That didn't seem fair. But now I guess I must concede. Christmas is indeed for children.

Is it because of the cynicism that develops in us as we grow old? Is it because we're too busy thinking about how to fulfill our daily obligations that we fail to stop and appreciate the simplicity and beauty of the holiday season? We're too busy rushing through our Christmas shopping, ensuring that we stay within our budget. We're too busy planning and preparing for our Christmas dinner whereas as children, we just waited for midnight to come while our moms stressed herself out over the preparations. Now I appreciate everything my mom did during the holidays even more.

The point is, have we become too busy with life that we fail to appreciate or realize the meaning of the things we do? It frustrates me that we can't find meaning in things without the material. Christmas won't feel much like Christmas without the grand meals, the gifts, and the decors. Is it ever possible to feel the spirit of Christmas without any of these things? I guess not.

I wish i can go back to the innocence of my childhood when simple and little things were enough to make me happy. Now I seek something more than the physical and the material. I still can't figure out exactly what it is, but whatever it is, I hope I find it and that it comes to me not just on Christmas day.

Boston

2009-12-23T09:18:00.014+08:00

by Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...

Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,

This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across

An open field,

When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry

When they see you

You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,

I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah

Where no one knows my name...Where no one knows my name...

Yeah Boston...

Where no one knows my name.

Self Love

2009-12-21T10:16:00.005+08:00

The advice I got over the weekend is to love myself -- to be a little selfish and to think of myself more...to bring myself at the center of my life.

Two very wise friends gave me this advice on separate occasions, but I still find it hard to comprehend. How do I love myself more? Don't I love myself enough already?

Even TNB told me before that I concern myself too much with other people's worries. That I would drive myself crazy if I keep this up. But how do I make myself indifferent to what's going on around me? How can I turn a blind eye to the needs of those whom I care about?

Another key theme in the advice I got is to distance myself. Distance myself without leaving. Another mind-boggling concept. I have to be careful about distancing myself without becoming indifferent, as I think that a state of "unfeeling" is worse than being in pain, for the latter is still somehow capable of feeling.

What makes it harder is that I've always been taught to put others before myself. Selfless love, just like the type of love God gives us. Unconditional love, just as our parents give us. To love without expecting anything in return.

Although I acknowledge that there are just some things that I can't do for others and that they have to do for themselves, I still feel the need to help them in any way I can -- be it through words of encouragement, emotional support, or whatever.

This is not to say that I don't understand the reason for their advice. I have enough worries on my own, and to keep worrying about others, too, can be quite draining. Maybe it's time I start taking care of myself, too.

Perhaps I should just be grateful for these lessons, or for the opportunities to learn these lessons. Although I don't have all the answers yet and am practically groping my way around, I guess I'll have to start focusing on myself for now and start getting to know myself better.

Day 1 starts today.

Letting Go

2009-12-20T20:52:00.009+08:00

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

-This was written by a friend's friend who goes by the name Digi Bigbear.

Barriers

2009-12-16T09:30:00.008+08:00

I've seemingly become oblivious to that word -- "barriers." For me, things become barriers only when you let them become barriers. Throughout my life, I have encountered a lot of these so-called barriers, but they were more like challenges for me -- things that can be worked around and not really show-stoppers.

In my current predicament, I don't really see any external barriers that can't be overcome if you really want to. Of course, trying to overcome these barriers involves risks -- the risk of failure, of even possibly getting hurt in the process. But I've learned that unless you muster the courage to confront your fears and be willing to take risks then there's no way you can move forward. I've learned that if you always stay within your comfort zone then there won't be much room for improvement and growth.

They say that it's better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all. I live by this mantra because so many times, the things we fear don't even happen, and not taking chances just result in missed opportunities. I've also realized that I can live more easily with regrets over the things that I did than over the things that I didn't do. Time doesn't come back and neither do opportunities. Opportunities can easily slip by if you don't grab them right away. I'd hate to be an old woman later and still be haunted by what ifs and could've beens.

I don't know where my courage and bravado is coming from. I don't know why I'm suddenly fearless. I used to be enveloped by my fears, but now I can't even find a trace of them. I kinda wish I still had those fears just because they protect me. They keep me from wanting to explore uncharted territories. But for some reason, my fears have been replaced by a very strong urge to move ahead.

Now I feel like surging ahead no matter what the consequences may be. I just think that I can be more at peace with failing despite my efforts than being stuck in a place where I don't want to be. Besides, it really is a win-win situation. Trying to overcome the barriers might prove to be successful. But even if it doesn't, it will surely be a learning experience and I'd be a better person for it. As another saying goes, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I guess that no matter how bad things get, the human spirit is resilient enough to be able to move on and recover.

The one real barrier, I think, is ourselves. If we're so consumed by negativity, and if we let all the possibilities -- good and bad -- overwhelm us -- then we will just be paralyzed and be unable to move forward. I think the key is to take things one day and one step at a time. The first step is always the hardest and the scariest. But if you just keep an open mind and be brave enough to take that first step, you might find that it's not so bad after all.

Crystal

2009-12-15T09:46:00.007+08:00

The crystal. I didn't get the analogy at first. What's wrong with the crystal? Well, it's beautiful and hard. Rock solid, and yet it's in its final form -- it can no longer be transformed into something else.

And that's how it is. We are in the process of being crystallized. Something beautiful, and yet offers no room for growth. It's like we've reached our maximum potential. Yet, this doesn't make us happy, for the inability to grow further is almost synonymous to death.

Do we just content ourselves with the beautiful for the fear of destroying it if we try to stretch it to its limits, or perhaps even beyond its limits? And yet, what good is crystal if all you can do is stare at it and admire it from afar? What good is beauty and strength if they're all for show?

I keep thinking of what I'd prefer and all I can come up with is gold. Gold isn't as rock solid as crystal -- its beauty not readily apparent. It can melt when subjected to heat and it can be transformed into any form as you see fit. But maybe that's what I want. I don't want something stagnant. I don't want something that's beautiful and "safe," but which can no longer grow.

Gold can become beautiful, too, yet it's never in its final state. It can always be changed into something even more beautiful. It's not rock solid. The more pure the gold, the more malleable it becomes -- seemingly vulnerable.

But I'd rather be vulnerable because that's more real. I definitely prefer that over pretend strength. So what if we break under pressure? Gold becomes beautiful only when subjected to the elements. If it can't withstand all the pressure, is it really something that we want?

Rollercoaster Ride

2009-12-11T10:19:00.005+08:00

The past weeks -- or month, maybe -- has been sort of a roller coaster ride for me. It seemed like so many things were happening, each day different. It seemed like I was going through so much, although maybe it was really nothing.

My over thinking and over-analyzing mind went on overdrive recently, which caused all the mumbo jumbo. I seemed to be going through a lot, but then I couldn't really find the words to describe them; hence, the long silence in this blog. I actually only visited my blog yesterday and was disappointed at myself for having written only two posts last month. Not to mention that I've forgotten to write about my monthly blessings -- oh well, another one of those things that are hard to constantly follow through.

I was also physically ill for most of last week. Actually had the flu for the first time in four years. I'm lucky to have a non-fussy (would this pass as a word?) boss. I had to skip work for three days, but ironically, I didn't feel rested at all. Rather, all those physical discomfort just added to the turmoil I was already going through.

I seem to be back to my old self -- whatever that is. At the beginning of this week I vowed that I was going to be happy again. Somehow I had this notion that I could will myself to be happy. Well, I guess I did. No more of the ill feelings, and I hope it stays that way for the next six months at least (why six months? Beats me! --Just some random number LOL).

Anyway, I guess I'm just gonna focus on the positive for now. Although negative things are always looming ahead, I've learned that it really doesn't help to try to address them all at once. I guess I'll have to learn to deal with things as they come and not be so impatient.

Still Consistent?

2009-11-04T09:59:00.005+08:00

Sometimes things are simpler and easier to deal with when they are what you believe them to be. But when what you want to believe and what's actually happening seems contradictory, it can be hard to tell which is true. Or maybe neither is true?

I was expecting things to change (not for the better) after what transpired, but to my pleasant yet somewhat frustrating surprise, things are still as they always have been -- still consistent. I say frustrating because I was prepared for the worst, and maybe the worst would have been easier to deal with in the long run -- just because the worst brings with it some sense of finality.

It gets kind of confusing and hard to understand when the outcome isn't as I expect. Is it because of my cynicism, now slowly bordering on pessimism? Is it because I don't even understand what the outcome is? Maybe I can't understand myself what my reaction to that incident is.

But well, I can only be sure of the present, and what I can witness about the present. How did the recent past affect the present? I don't know. How will the recent past affect the future? I don't know. Only one thing is evident -- that things are still consistent. I guess I should be happy about that, and I guess I am. It's just that it also gives me even more to think about. Aargh...if only I can shush my brain!

How?

2009-11-03T18:16:00.006+08:00

This is a question I've had to contend with and mull over recently. To have a goal is one thing. How to achieve that goal is another. No matter how wonderful a goal may seem, if you don't have the means for reaching it, then all is in vain.

I thought I've had it all figured out. I had a plan. I figured that to think of everything all at once can be overwhelming, and may even make the goal seem impossible to reach. If all you can see is the end of the road but the path seems blurry, it can indeed seem like a hopeless journey.

So I've stopped trying to think of everything at once. Instead, I tried to break down my goals into smaller milestones that are more easily achieved, but which can make the road ahead just a bit more visible.

However, even as I thought I've figured things out, there are still some gaps in the plan -- gaps that I may have no control over. With this roadblock on my path, how should I proceed? Now there's another "how" to hurdle.

I was talking to ExtrremelyNice today, and we were talking about how having sheltered childhoods deprive us of life's lessons. In situations such as I'm facing now, I wish there was a book I could refer to. A user guide to tell me what the next step is. But as it is, I'm only now beginning to experience these things. With the many how's I encounter and will encounter, I guess I can only grope my way towards the end of the road.

Feeding the Soul

2009-10-29T09:45:00.006+08:00

I was having an online chat with Conservative Lady sometime last week. She's a friend who works overseas, and she had some time to go online last week, so we took it as an opportunity to catch up on things.

She mentioned that although she was doing alright, she felt that there was something missing -- and no, she didn't think it was a boyfriend LOL.

I told her I was feeling the same way a few months ago -- getting bouts of depression, crying for seemingly no reason at all. At the time, I came to a realization that maybe I should start going to church more regularly. In the past, I took inexplicable sadness to mean that God was nudging me to attend to my spiritual needs, too. In the past, attending even just one mass was guaranteed to cure my bouts of loneliness.

When I started regularly going to church again recently, it immediately made me a much happier gal, and I gave that advise to Conservative Lady. She was giving so many excuses why she couldn't go to church, but I urged her to try.

Even I had so many excuses before why I couldn't go to church -- until I had to drag myself there out of desperation. Again, if there's a will, there's a way. It's only sorta hard at first -- just because it's not part of your regular routine, but soon enough, it becomes something that you regularly seek.

It's true that no matter how well we are doing physically, emotionally, and mentally, we still have to attend to our spiritual needs. Unfortunately, these needs are not filled in by material and tangible things. Each one has their own way of nourishing the soul, but whatever it is, it's an aspect of our life we can't and shouldn't neglect.

Now, I actually look forward to going to church every week. Some friends before told me I have an addictive personality, and well, now my latest addiction is going to church :)

Freelance vs. Regular Job

2009-10-28T10:12:00.002+08:00

I was again recently confronted with the dilemma of either working freelance full time or working a regular job full time. I must admit working freelance is sorta tempting -- you get a higher net pay; and you get to work from the comfort of your home. You won't have to get up so early either, as you will no longer have to account for travel time.

However, working in an office environment has its certain appeal, too. I was talking to HappySanta the other day, and she did comment that I prefer having officemates. And that's true. While it's great to work by yourself and avoid the intrigues and issues that come with office politics, working in a team environment allows for learning, knowledge sharing, and interaction that you wouldn't get if you were confined to the comfort -- which may later turn into "discomfort" -- of your home.

So now, I guess I'll just make the most of an office environment. There's plenty of time to go solo later on.

Conversations with MissMetaphor

2009-10-27T08:49:00.005+08:00

I guess I can consider myself a very private person. Although my life's an open book, I don't exactly volunteer information about myself. It's an open book in such a way that when asked, I won't hesitate to tell the truth or to relate things about myself. However, I never blurt out information about myself. I never like being the center of attention. I've always been happy just being in the background. I guess I never needed the limelight to recognize my value as a person.

Lately, though, I've found myself having more and more conversations with MissMetaphor -- about things that I'd never share with anyone otherwise. It started with a lot of teasing. And just to prove my point, I was forced to come out of my shell.

With the shell now broken, there's really no way I can go back in, is there? So now I find myself sharing a lot of thoughts and musings with MissMetaphor. Not a bad thing, just awkward. Maybe it's just because I'm really not used to voicing out my thoughts. My deepest thoughts and feelings have always just been between me and God.

Anyhow, these conversations with MissMetaphor have been sort of enlightening. At least I get input from another person aside from always getting my input from me, myself, and I. Having someone else to talk to helps put some things into perspective, and maybe it's just good to get them out of my system.

It still feels awkward and quite uncomfortable at times, but the walls have been broken, and now MissMetaphor has no choice but to endure the flood of stories that are sure to come her way :P

Hear No Evil

2009-10-09T11:47:00.008+08:00

I can't understand how people can be so judgemental of others based only on what they hear about the other person. I guess this is how gossip can be destructive.

How can you judge someone based only on secondhand information? Why can't most people suspend judgement until they actually get to know the person?

It's not to say I don't like gossip -- especially of the entertainment kind. Sure, I watch Entertainment Tonight and The Insider everyday, and become quite amused with all the scandals that celebrities get themselves into. But when it comes to people I know -- whether they're friends or acquaintances, or even just people I occasionally bump into -- I try to be careful about how I take in the things that I hear about them.

As I've mentioned before, everyone starts with a blank slate with me. No matter what I hear about that person, I don't immediately believe what I hear or take the gossips as truths. For one, others' experiences with that person may not necessarily be the same experience that I'll have with that person. For another, I don't even know the complete details of the circumstances. For all I know, there may have been very good reasons for whatever actions were made. Still another flaw in this is the accuracy of the information recounted to me. Who knows how many times the information has been passed on and how much the information has been altered before it got to me? It may even be possible that it's not only secondhand information, but third or fourth.

And still, my skepticism kicks in. If the things I hear about a person are too derogatory then it's also possible for these stories to just be fabricated -- all the more reason not to pass judgment so quickly.

I don't believe that first impressions last. I don't believe in judging people. But we're only humans and we can't help forming opinions and judgment of others. In this case, I at least give myself time to get to know the person better before forming any conclusions. Sure, this has gotten me into trouble a lot of times -- instances when I should have listened to others. Still, I have no regrets about giving everyone a fair chance to prove themselves. Besides, I believe that you should do unto others what you want others do unto you.

Happiness

2009-10-07T13:29:00.005+08:00

Peaceful thoughts

Assurances

Flashes of images

Buoyant feelings

Contentment

Positive affirmations out of nowhere

Positive energies all around.

=======================
Side Note:

I know this poem is whacked in form, but just wanted to write something here, as it's been so long. I miss the days when I always have an idea for my blog as I wake up or as I go to bed. Now I'm just at a loss for words and ideas.

Well, I'm still blogging and writing a lot, so I guess that's enough to consume my energies. And for the curious minds out there, no, it's not a personal blog. It's not even my blog, so don't waste time looking for it :P I'm sorta "ghost blogging", but it's still fun. I just love words, and putting ideas into words, but I'll try to be more diligent with this blog again =)

Free No More

2009-10-03T01:40:00.006+08:00

All things in life are free. So the song goes. In this day and age, though, it seems nothing is free anymore. Sure, we all get freebies from businesses wanting to promote their products...loads of freebies on the web, too.

It's ironic, though, that the one thing that's supposedly free is no longer free -- goodwill. I find it so preposterous that some people would seemingly extend a helping hand, only to be expecting something in return -- something monetary. And if they don't get it, they label you with such and such. Is this typical Filipino behavior? Or is this typical human behavior?

Happy Pill

2009-09-22T10:37:00.005+08:00

It feels like I got a new prescription, and it seems to be working really well. For some reason, I've been pretty happy -- more like very happy -- recently, which is quite surprising for me.

I'm the cynical type, and though I consider myself pretty optimistic, I still look at life in a pretty bleak way. Yeah, I know. That sentence alone is a mish mash of contradictions, but well, you get the point.

Lately, I feel like I've been on the happy pill. Yeah sure, things still get me down, but just a small dose of the happy pill is enough to reproduce my happy hormones.

The ironic thing is there's so much more to write about when I'm kinda down and not much to share when things are going great. Well, I'll just keep my happy pills to myself (I'll just let you find yours :P), and hope I don't run out of them soon!

Psycho

2009-09-15T11:10:00.007+08:00

I'm quite surprised to find myself watching and reading more news than usual. I don't really read or watch the news because they depress me, but with our office pantry TV eternally tuned in to CNN or BBC, and with my office browser homepage set to MSN, I can't help getting some doses of news -- and not just the entertainment kind. I even find myself more interested in watching the Today Show in the mornings instead of the usual MTV, Myx, or Channel V (LOL).

Political news never interest me, but I've been following the case of Jaycee Dugard and now recently the Annie Le case. I can't help wondering what goes on in the minds of people who commit these crimes. What could motivate them to do such evil things?

I got to read before the blog of George Sodini, the random killer at the fitness center in Pittsburgh, and he didn't seem to be a monster from his blog entries. He was just one very lonely man, and all his reasoning got twisted in the process, leading him to commit the crime -- a dramatic end from his perspective.

I was telling Infinite the other day that I believed all men were naturally good, that we were all born with goodness in our hearts, that it's as we grow that we turn into something else -- when hatred and anger or whatever else replaces the natural goodness. I wonder, is it just a case of something going haywire in the head?

Why are these people so sad and angry that they would take it out on innocent people whom they probably don't even know? Filipinos are a poor people, but I never hear of such heinous random crimes. Despite the difficulties imposed by poverty, I don't think that Filipinos see killing their fellow men as a solution to anything. Is it because of their religious faith?

Many argue the validity of religion, of Christianity in particular, but I think it's one that helps people stay sane. I think it does to the Filipinos at least. There's always that fear in a higher being that sorta serves as a fence between good and evil, and that fear usually keeps one from going over the fence.

When one doesn't believe in anything or doesn't have a strong set of morals, is that a reason why people go amok?

Career Bliss

2009-09-11T11:58:00.006+08:00

Okay, so I haven't blogged for some days now. Well, I guess I've suddenly become so busy -- and it's not so much that I don't have the time to blog but that I can no longer think about much to blog about.

An idle mind is a playground for thoughts -- hmm, quite contradictory -- and my un-busy state just kept me thinking of all sorts of things that I'd like to blog about.

This week, though, marks the end of a year of bumming around. I started working on my side projects...and yes, I already got a second project from another client...how fun! So there, my thoughts mostly revolve around work now, aside, of course, from the obvious, and I haven't had much time for musing about things as I usually have.

I think, though, that I'm at a much better place. I actually feel happier and more fulfilled. I even look forward to going home not just for the usual things but also for getting to work on those projects. Wow, I'm actually writing again -- and from scratch! That's another reason for the decline in my blog. My blog used to be my only outlet for writing, but now I can bury myself in hours of writing bliss and don't even mind the late nights and the one or two hours of sleep that I lose. All's good!

I get bored with routine, and having these freelance projects allow me to work on a variety of projects, which definitely make things more interesting. I am also blessed to have a couple of really cool clients who seem easy to work with and who are flexible with arrangements, so hopefully I won't end up being a writing machine the way I did with my last freelance job. I got so burnt out from that, that it kept me away from the freelance scene for three years or so.

Well, all's good in terms of my work now. I actually appreciate my regular job now, as it allows me the flexibility to work on these other things. Plus I now get the fulfillment from a job, which I seemed to have missed for the past year.

Seek and You Shall Find

2009-09-07T18:37:00.006+08:00

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Once again, this Bible verse has proven to be true for me.

As advised by my dad and my friends, I tried looking for side projects recently. This way, I'll have something to do with my free time. I'll no longer get bored, and my brain cells will have some of the exercise that they need. Plus I definitely can use the cash.

It's been a few weeks that I've been looking for projects, with the help of a friend, but nothing seemed to be materializing. However, one day I got this email, inviting me to send a proposal for a project, and we've just closed the deal...yayy!

It's just funny how sometimes you go after something so hard and then God just sends you the one that's meant for you...from seemingly out of nowhere! The project seems to be a good deal, and my client seems to be really nice so all's cool.

So now I'll definitely have less time for Facebook (Thank God!). Not that Facebook is so bad. It's just that I feel I have better things to spend my time on, and I'll at least get to go back to creative writing again and even try my hand at becoming a professional blogger LOL. Gee, I wonder how I'll do with that. Up until now, I've just blogged for myself :P

I've been here before. Had too many jobs on the side that it led to a major burnout. This time, I'll try to maintain the balance I seem to have achieved and hopefully just enjoy everything :)

Reconnecting with Friends

2009-09-06T18:27:00.006+08:00

My weekend was spent hanging out with friends. I don't really hang out much nor do I bother to meet new people, so it was really fun and comfortable to be around people with whom I can be myself.

Out With the Girls

Friday night I was out with three of my oldest (Does that go for age, too?:P Peace, girls! =) friends in Metro Manila. We try to meet every month, but for some reason, it's been more like every two months.

Although it didn't feel like two months since we keep in touch online anyway, it was still exciting to see them again. While sharing a huge slab of baby back ribs with them, I realized that some things never change.

HappySanta still raves non-stop over yummy food (It was delish alright!)
SexyMomma still entertains us with stories of her current boy toy.
MissEngineer is still the one tasked to compute how much each of us will pay for the dinner.

It was a night of silliness and gossip! (LOL) -- just catching up on each other's lives and those of our friends or people we know. Till next month!

Something Fun and Technical

The next day I attended GrowingBoy's focused group discussion for his thesis. Wow...it was very reminiscent of last year's STC event and made me daydream for a little while about how nice it would be to hold another STC event where people from our industry can just share stuff with each other -- in the hopes of learning something new or even just alleviating some of the frustrations that come with the job.
I was really happy for GrowingBoy. He was able to round up a good group of people for his FGD - everyone coming from diverse backgrounds. Most were familiar faces, but I at least got to meet 2 cool guys who'll make great additions to my network connections. Our world is small, after all, and it's not unlikely that I'll bump into these guys somewhere some time.
A few of us headed for dinner after the FGD, and it was great to again catch up with my dear friends. Although we often keep in touch online, it seemed there were still a lot of things to talk about. I think I was actually venting more than just updating them on what I've been up to. Really sorry if I rained down on anyone's parade, but I guess my friends have had some slightly wrong notions about me, and I felt that relating things about myself or my present condition helped them understand more why I did the things I did.
They noted that I complained about everything LOL. Thinking back, maybe I did complain a lot, and maybe I really should focus on the good things instead of my frustrations. Nothing and nobody's perfect after all. But no promises that I'd no longer vent on ASOP every now and then. After all, that's what it's for -- somewhere I can express myself.
To my friends, I'm glad to have you guys as my friends, and I hope to see you guys much more! :)

Wealth Management Lessons: Mutual Funds vs. Banks

2009-09-02T10:55:00.008+08:00

Our wealth management seminars concluded last week, and did I learn a lot! It was a real wake up call on how we should not take money matters for granted, especially when preparing for the future. I'll try to write some entries regarding my "learnings."

First off, we should define what financial independence is. Financial independence, according to experts, is "the ability to live the lifestyle we deserve without having to work or rely on anyone else" (-- definition given by Philam Life).

So how do we become financially independent? Of course, we should still work as hard as we can now, while we still can, but we should know how to grow our money enough so that money can later work for us and not us forever working for the money. This basically means that we should try to save enough money so that we can live off merely on the interest. And I guess this is how the rich manage to just laze around the beach all day and still be earning. They'll be earning practically even as they sleep! That's because their money never stops generating interest.

And now comes the hard part. How do we earn enough so that the interest it earns sustains our lifestyle? Of course, we have to save, save, save! And probably venture into investments or businesses. But will saving in the bank suffice to make our money grow that much? Well, if the bank offers a 1% interest per year, your money doubles every 72 years (based on the rule of 72)! Err, I don't think so!

Bank or Mutual Funds?

Insurance/Mutual fund companies say that they don't compete with the banks because they serve a different purpose from the banks.

We basically use banks to store our money, particularly our immediate cash needs. We also store our emergency fund in the bank. Experts suggest that we should have an emergency fund amounting to 6-12 months of our monthly pay or monthly expenses. This way, you'll still be assured of sustaining your lifestyle should an emergency occur. For example, should you suddenly lose your job then you can live off on your emergency fund for the next 6-12 months while you look for another job.

After you've grown your money (supposedly by the time you retire), you also store it in the bank so that it can gain interest which you later live off on.

But as you're still growing your money, mutual funds, I think, is something worth looking into. With mutual funds, your money can earn from 6-12% interest or even more. From the sample computation Philam Life gave us, just putting in P1,000.00/month for the next 20+ or 30 (not really sure, sorry!) years will earn you over P3,000,000.00! I think P1000.00/month is doable. If you can put in even more then you'll earn even more!

We should consider the inflation rate when planning for our future. As a sample computation that an agent I met made, if you need P30,000.00/month now to sustain your lifestyle, you'd be needing around P150,000.00/month to sustain the same lifestyle in 30 years (please don't ask for the detailed computation -- that's way beyond my league!). And to earn a monthly interest amounting to P150,000, you should have around P18M in the bank...woah! Of course, those wanting to raise a family also have children's education to consider, and that, too, is subject to inflation. Just an FYI, to earn P18M in 30 years, you must put in around P7000.00/month into your mutual fund account (provided you're investing in equity funds that earn a 12% interest). And oops, of course you should have the discipline not to touch the money until the right time =)

So wisen up on where you put your money while you're still strong and healthy enough to work! You wouldn't want to still be overworking yourself when you're supposedly just enjoying your retirement.

Anniversary!

2009-09-01T10:38:00.005+08:00

Today marks my first year at my current job. Although I immensely loved my previous job, I can say I have no regrets about making the move. I guess I'm at the best place I can possibly be right now.

Well, here's a low-down on the past year:

Hits (What I love about my job)

Superb HR and admin
Employee concerns are heard and addressed
Stress free.. for once, I actually have a life outside the workplace!
Loads of freebies! And food! =)
Employees are sinfully honest :P Well, most are anyway :p Like you can leave food in the ref for a week and be assured no one will get it.
Flexible rules

Miss (What I Miss, What Can be Better)

I can't figure out why I still don't have a new friend among my "new" office mates. In my previous job, I knew almost everyone despite the company's size being five to six times that of the company where I work now.
I miss teamwork! I especially miss the close bond I had with my former teammates. Only consolation is that I'm still in touch with them, and I know they'll be my friends for life! =)
I miss challenging tasks...the kind that squeezes the brains out :P
I miss the adrenaline high I get from completing a ton of tasks!
I miss the ego-bloating feedback I got from my SMEs LOL (I guess feedback isn't a big thing here :P )
I miss processes and order!
I miss attending trainings

Well, I guess no job is perfect and you can never really have everything you want (otherwise, life will be too boring, won't it?:P). I can only be thankful as I begin my second year with this job, and try to bring a more positive attitude into it.

Blessings of the Month: August

2009-08-31T18:56:00.006+08:00

With the month nearing its end, I was trying to think the other day about what my blessings for this month were. It seemed like there weren't any major stuff, but there were after all! So here goes...

Just that the month of August is over, and we made it...woot! Infinite always finds a way...what can I say? =)
My awakening and my whole new perspective on financial management...Finally got some answers to my concerns about the future.
Superb thanks to a friend's tip on how/where to get side projects..something to look forward to...yayyy!

Employee Appreciation Day

2009-08-31T18:08:00.008+08:00

I missed last year's Employee Appreciation Day by a week, but I got to participate in this year's event. As a company that always puts its employees' welfare first, the company I work for holds an Employee Appreciation Day every year (this year's was only the second, though). In our US offices, this would be celebrated in the form of picnics and stuff.

Well, picnics aren't quite feasible in Metro Manila, especially in the middle of the Makati Central Business District, so we just had dinner and some program at a rented function room. The theme was Filipiniana, and of course, we were all encouraged to dress up. There would be awards for the best dressed. The thing I appreciate about our company is that these kinds of things are never mandatory. Those who want to dress up can do so. It's no big deal, though, if you don't want to. What I've noticed is that the same people usually love to dress up and participate in things like this. Majority, of course (myself included), wouldn't even bother.

For this occasion, they just provided sombreros or whatever they're called and bandannas to be tied around the neck. This was to still have the Filipiniana feel despite not dressing up. The food was superb, of course (also having the Filipino theme), and a surprising twist was that the managers were the ones who served the food! Our VP and General Manager served as bartenders, serving sago gulaman (a Filipino beverage with tapioca and gelatin). I felt kinda sorry for them :P, but they were all sport about it.

We had games and stuff. Everything was pretty much impromptu. Another thing I like about our events is that we don't fuss much about preparations or programs. Those who want to perform may do so, but there's no pressure for anyone to do anything.

There was some silly Q&A for the Best in Costume, and as with any pageant, there was a "Hoh, my Gawd" moment (Gee, I miss James! =) ). One was asked what he/she can contribute to the company should he/she win... to which the person answered, "World peace!" Yeah! :))

Overall, it was a fun event. Although our team still isn't familiar with most of the other teams, I somehow felt I belonged. I guess that's a good sign, and as always, I really appreciate how much our company values its employees and how "pampered" we are.

Something to be Proud of...

2009-08-27T14:55:00.005+08:00

I've recently participated in our company's Employee Stock Purchase Plan just because it was an incredibly good deal for us employees. I know I haven't been most enthusiastic about my job, but I read something from Yahoo! Financials that makes me really happy to be working here.

"...the shares are poised to rise with an expected cyclical recovery, due to the company's exposure to the architecture and engineering vertical that he thinks is starting to recover economically.

- Israel Hernandez, Barclays analyst

"He said he expects the company to increase its earnings guidance 'as we move through a recovery' in fiscal 2010 and 2011, and said the shares' low valuation is also appealing."

This just makes me proud to be working for a company that develops top-notch quality software. This also motivates me to work harder and makes me appreciate my role in the company better. This is probably why my main SME is so meticulous of everything -- as in everything! Well, maybe I should be more tolerant of her :P

The Case of the Opening/Closing CD Tray

2009-08-25T20:20:00.001+08:00

I was watching movies on my PC the other night when my CD tray suddenly started opening and closing by itself. It sorta frightened me during the first few times it did that, but since I didn't get any goose bumps and neither did my hair stand on end, I dismissed it as some hardware malfunction.

As I meant to, of course I asked for help/ideas from Master Job. I was, however, surprised that he made a joke out of it -- insisting that it must have been a ghost or something. Ugh! And I never thought I'd hear something like that from this no-nonsense guy. I expected real help.

So finally, I got to get him back to his "no-nonsense" self, and he helped me uninstall the CD ROM in question, but the problem stayed the same even after restarting my PC. Anyway, Master Job, unable to defend his supernaturally-inspired theories, finally attributed the problem to a virus.

Out of desperation, I tried to Google (when did Google become a verb??? Why don't we say we Yahoo something?:P) it and voila, it turned out to be a pretty common problem!

Its causes are either: 1) when the button (for lack of a better term) used to open/close the CD ROM is sunken or when the spring inside that button has become loose; or 2) a virus.

One of the sites/forums I came across suggested using Cwshredder.zip and Spybot-Search and Destroy. It also recommended using SE Adaware, but the first two were enough to solve my problem. Well, actually, Cwshredder didn't find anything wrong with my system, so it was Spybot-Search and Destroy (did a double take on this...sounded like a movie title at first :P) that did the trick. Apparently, the virus was more like a malware that infected browsers; thus, the opening/closing of the CD tray started when I opened a browser (didn't matter what).

Cwshredder and Spybot-Search and Destroy are both very user-friendly, so I won't include boring instructions on how to use them. Won't include the links for downloading them either, for tomorrow those links might be dead. You can simply Google -- or Yahoo!, or Bing? -- them. These three applications are absolutely for free.

My Five-Day Break

2009-08-25T19:56:00.010+08:00

Just got back from a five-day break. Not that I really needed the break, given that my life is pretty stress-free right now in terms of work. In the past years, I always looked forward to breaks in order to rejuvenate -- physically and mentally.

This time, the break was -- more or less -- just a chance to get away from it all. LOL. Yeah right, as if I went anywhere. Well, I just stayed holed up at home. But I guess this time gave me a chance to do other things that are different from what I usually do (I can hear Merl and Job exclaiming, "Facebook???" Well Facebook is relatively new to me, and I did a bunch of other things, too, so there :P) and to think of things I don't usually think about.

I tend to think a lot. Even while I'm multitasking, I'm still thinking about other things. Well, I was still thinking a lot during my so-called break, but at least I was thinking about other things.

Some of my realizations:

Stop thinking too much. Sometimes it's okay to be impulsive and just do something. No holding back.
I don't have to know everything. Maybe being surprised -- pleasantly or otherwise -- is good. Maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Distancing ourselves from things helps us better see things in perspective.
In time, all the puzzle pieces will fall into place.
God will always take care of me :)

Well, while the five-day break was quite fun and restful, I was starting to get bored, and although I find my job quite boring too, prolonging my break any more would probably start to drive me crazy. So I'm glad to get back to work, with my energy back to full bar.

Going with the Flow....?

2009-08-19T10:23:00.006+08:00

Friends always give me the advice to go with the flow, to play it by ear, or to wait and see. But what does it really mean to go with the flow? Does it mean just being at a standstill and waiting for what happens next?

I never believe passivity. I sorta get turned off or disappointed with people who don't drive their lives and who just wait for whatever comes. Reminds me of the Parable of the Talent. If you just keep and bury your talents then yes, you preserve them, but you don't advance or improve either.

I may not be a church goer (still trying to be one!), but I have great faith in God. I trust Him with my life, and I believe that whatever I have now, or wherever I am now is because of Him. However, there's also a saying that goes, Help yourself and God will do the rest. No matter how much faith you have, your dreams won't just fall from the sky or magically appear in front of you. You have to make them happen.

Whenever I pray, I don't ask God to give me (something) or make (something) happen. I pray that He gives me the strength and perseverance to achieve something, or that He gives me the guidance so that I may make the right decision in order to make something happen, because at the end of the day, it won't be God or anyone else who'll do things for me but myself.

I hope I don't sound preachy, but I really don't understand what going with the flow means, or how it is to wait and see. Does it mean not doing anything? I asked a friend how it is to go with the flow, and he said something like, "If you don't already know then I can't tell you" (???). Another friend I asked couldn't tell either.

I was talking to yet another friend recently, and I think she got the impression that I'm taking matters into my own hands, that everything has to be up to me. And yes, of course, I take matters into my own hands and have to decide on everything, because really, only I am accountable for myself. Although I have steadfast faith in God, He has gifted me with free will so that I can run my life the way I see fit. I can only pray for guidance and hope that I correctly understand God's message so that I may be guided accordingly.

I recently saw the movie Serendipity, and I thought it was pretty silly or shallow (No offense to those who love the movie). I believe that you should go after what you want or believe in and not wait for destiny to make it happen for you, especially when the opportunity is already right in front of you.

I'm not a believer in destiny. I believe that we are the ones who make things happen. Although I agree that destiny does intervene sometimes and makes things happen that are beyond our control, I still think that we should take a more active role in steering our lives where we want to go.

Oldies and Freebies (What's on My Ipod Part IV)

2009-08-13T09:50:00.008+08:00

This is the last installment for the What's on My Ipod? entries. These ones are mostly greatest hits albums and some not-so-new ones, which I got as freebies from the BMG website and from my dad :P

Blink 182 (Greatest Hits). Listening to this album transports me back to the early 2000s and makes me remember how things were then. Hmm, this is not really a sentimental album, but I guess Blink 182 was one of the firs rock bands who got into the emo thing. I was never really a fan and never bought an album during their heydays, but this one's a great collection of their hits, some with heartfelt lyrics and some just plain silly and funny :P

Coldplay (Parachutes; A Rush of Blood to the Head; X&Y). It's great listening to Colplay's hits, but I can't stand listening to them for hours at a time. I find their albums to generally be snoozers -- definitely not something I'd want to listen to if I want to perk myself up. Of course, this is still a good addition to my collection, and it's a good listen especially when you're in relaxing mode.

Green Day (American Idiot). Sure, I liked a lot of Green Day's songs, but I'd never dreamt of owning or even listening to an entire album just because I found them sorta "scandalous" or vulgar in their music style and messages. Jesus of Suburbia (the song and the video), for one, left me in a state of shock (so-to-speak) for a long time. But then my dad told me he had this album of Green Day, so I was, like, if my dad actually digs Green Day then why can't I? So I asked for his copy of this album, and surprisingly, I really liked it! Not as bad as I thought -- not at all...

Paula Abdul (Greatest Hits: Straight Up!). Yeah, I really loved Paula Abdul's music back then. Unfortunately, I could no longer find a lot of my albums after the 1990 earthquake (our house was a mess after that -- another story entirely LOL), so I was glad when I saw that I could get this album for free from the BMG website. All my faves are here. I was especially delighted that it includes the song Will You Marry Me, which I don't think was in the albums I had of her. I found this song cute then, and I still found it cute, now :P (And I can almost hear Merl giggling :P)

Roxette (A Collection of Roxette Hits). Another one of my old favorites and another one lost in the rubbles after the quake. Just great to go back to the good old days :)

Tiffany (Greates Hits). Hmm, I think she was the Cristina Aguilera of her time (Debbie Gibson being the Britney Spears of her time :P ). I really loved her then, and this album's just a great addition to my collection. Too bad the BMG site didn't have a Greatest Hits album of Debbie Gibson, though. I would've liked to have that more! :)

Deciphering Messages

2009-08-12T08:45:00.008+08:00

Words are meant to be used in effective communication, but sometimes, even the simplest words are subject to interpretation. "No" can actually mean yes, and "yes" can actually mean no.

I may be quite gullible, but when it comes to "serious" (another subjective word!) stuff, I try not to take people's words at their face value. I try to delay reacting until I get more information. When someone says it's OK, I assume that it's really not OK until I get sufficient "proof" that it's really OK. Paranoia? Distrust? I don't know, but I know that more people are more comfortable with lying, omitting information, or sugarcoating the truth than saying outright what they really mean.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. This has always been my mantra. As an advocate of truth and honesty, I believe that being direct with our messages help keep things simple and clear, and help prevent misunderstandings and misconceptions. For this, I am often labelled as too blunt, frank, even aggressive?

Well, I'm not a people-pleaser, and I believe that you can always say what you really mean without being rude or crass. However, some people still take offense even when the message conveyed is true.

I always try to be upfront, and I somehow expect the same from others. In this particular predicament, I wish I could just get the message the way it's really meant. Oftentimes, people hide their messages behind nice words for fear of hurting or offending, but I think it's doing more damage when I keep thinking of what was said versus what was really meant.

Messages can have so many facets. They're often not what they seem at first, for when I try to analyze the message, there are so many possible meanings based on different scenarios. Now it's just causing me confusion.

Most people see bluntness and directness as sorta mean. I say it's the kinder way of conveying a message.

Not Giving Up

2009-08-11T14:24:00.007+08:00

I finally got some answers to some of the questions that have been playing around in my mind recently. I finally mustered enough courage to ask, and now I understand more. The answers were neither positive nor negative, but they brought some clarity somehow. Mostly, though, they just made me see more the hopelessness -- or helplessness? -- of the situation.

Acceptance was a great lesson imparted to me by a friend. Acceptance of things as they are. Acceptance of who people are. Acceptance of situations -- that some things just can't be. But one thing I will never be able to accept is failure when you haven't even tried. When you accept that things just can't be just because of the possibility that things can't be or will never work out. When you'd rather accept failure and give up on something you really, really want just because you fear getting hurt if you don't succeed in getting that which you desire.

It's times like these when my stubbornness kicks in. When I truly believe in and strongly feel about something, I just can't take no for an answer. I just can't give up without a fight -- and this is something I'm willing to fight for. I knew from the start this was something I'll fight for and that hasn't changed.

However, I can't make it alone. When someone else is involved in an endeavor, that other person must be willing to fight for it, too. It saddens me that my teammate in this endeavor may have given up already.

I have some answers now, but surprisingly, it wasn't learning the answers that makes me feel at peace. I think that I'm more at peace now because I was able to at least air my side, and I think that helped clear a lot of things. Now, no matter what happens, I won't have what ifs about not letting myself heard.

I've passed the ball, and now the ball is on the other side of the court.

Longing for Change

2009-08-10T09:27:00.010+08:00

I finally got some time from CC. After reassuring me that I shouldn't hesitate in going to him for advice, I poured out my thoughts and my seemingly unending questions about life to him, which he carefully pondered upon over cups of coffee. As usual and as expected, he again gave excellent advice, and instantly I felt enlightened. It seemed like my cloudy skies became clear and again I had the clarity of mind.

One thing he asked me, though, that I kept mulling about was that if I was indeed ready for the change I speak of, which might mean leaving the life I know now. Surprisingly -- maybe even irrationally -- my answer to that question is yes.

For some reason, I feel so strongly about it. Based on past experiences, such strong feelings and urges can mean only that it is the right thing for me to do, the right path to follow. Maybe it's also because, for some time now, I've had this great longing for change. Not just a change in the mundane, but something major. Maybe a change in location, a change in looks (???), a change in lifestyle?

I consider myself to be really boring. Back in my younger years, I always just focused on school. When I started working, I just focused on work. I never change my hairstyle. I still dress the same way as I always have. I don't travel to places unknown. I stick to what I'm good at. I don't take many risks. In short, I always play it safe.

So maybe now I'm starting to get tired of my usual routine -- of the predictability of things, and now I feel a restlessness amidst my peaceful and safe life. I long for something new and different.

In answer to CC's questions and concerns, I don't really see the change as leaving everything I know behind. I think it will be more like enriching my life -- adding new experiences to my very small box of experiences, being that I have had a very sheltered life.

Besides, it's not like changes are irreversible. I like having contingency plans in everything (part of my play-it-safe mindset), so I think that taking steps toward change doesn't necessarily mean I can't go back...or does it? Well, I'll make sure I can go back somehow -- sorta my own personal Undo button :P

So now that I'm all geared up for change, I just have to take that first step toward change, which might mean another battle entirely. I have first to determine where I'd like to introduce change in my life and have the courage to overcome my fears over the uncertainties that come with it.

Change is a lengthy process, but I think I should start it now -- little steps, one day at a time.

Facebook Mania

2009-08-07T09:48:00.005+08:00

A friend recently encouraged me to be more active on Facebook. She actually "jump started" my Facebook experience by suggesting common friends and by showing me the ropes. Until then, I was really lazy to explore Facebook. I could hardly keep up with my emails as it is, and my Friendster account is awfully neglected. Another friend complained that I hadn't accepted her invite on Friendster. I think she sent another invite, but I have yet to accept it (sorry!).

Anyway, I now understand why the craze about Facebook. Now I kinda wish I'd joined sooner. It's much more interactive than other social networking sites, but what I love most about it is that it makes it so much easier to keep in touch with old and distant friends/colleagues. I'm surprised to be hearing even from colleagues from two jobs back.. wow!!!

It still takes time, though, for it to become fun and worthwhile. And now it seems kinda confusing because I got status updates on Twitter and status updates on Facebook. Then I've got people commenting on my blog on Facebook and then on Blogspot! It's becoming a tangled web of information :P

I generally like things to be simple and uncomplicated. Although I can be quite maarte (fussy), I usually prefer things to be simple and straightforward. This prevents confusion, and with all the daily nitty gritty of life, I don't want to add any unnecessary confusion to it.

Admittedly, all these social networking sites confuse me, so I never really got into them. But since I've got plenty of time on my hands and for the sake of keeping in touch with all my wonderful friends, I'll do my part to keep the lines of communication open.

Wealth Management Seminar

2009-08-06T10:33:00.015+08:00

The company I work for is holding a series of wealth management seminars this month. We just finished the first one this week, which was conducted by WFMAI (World Financial Marketing Alliance, Inc.). At first, I thought it was just going to be another sales pitch, but it turned out to be very informative and not very product-centric. For the first time, here's insurance talk that I liked and which I might even buy into. By the way, WFMAI isn't an insurance company but a brokerage firm for insurance companies.

What interested me were the variable insurance and the mutual funds. I always thought of life insurances as something only your beneficiaries will enjoy as you have to be zapped out first before your loved ones can claim the insurance. However, with variable life, you can still enjoy your earnings if and when you reach your retirement age. I think that mutual funds are also nice because they're more of an investment than an insurance and you can potentially earn more than just saving your money in the bank.

Here are some lessons that I've learned:

On Saving. Saving calls for discipline. When we get our paychecks, we should pay ourselves first before we pay our other bills to ensure that we save a portion of our salaries. It also helps to think of our savings as a monthly bill and one that we must regularly pay.

Additional Income. When we get additional income from part-time jobs or side projects, we should use it to pay our debts and again save the rest instead of using it to incur more expenses. They said that our goal should be that we are debt-free (from credit cards, mortgages and other loans) by the time we retire.

Rule of 72. We can use this rule to determine how much time it takes for our money to double. According to the speaker, this rule/formula was created by Albert Einstein. Anyway, this rule says that

72
-------------- = number of years your money will double
interest rate

For example, your money is P100,000.00 and the interest rate is 4% then

72/4 = 18

meaning that your P100,000 will double only every 18 years. This is sort of a wake up call because most banks offer only a 1% interest per annum, so 72/1=72. This means your money will double only every 72 years..OMG!

Do note that this formula can be used regardless of the amount of money. It can also be used to determine how much time it takes for your debts to double.

Formula for Computing Wealth:

Money

Time

+/-

Rate of Return

Inflation

Taxes

--------------------

WEALTH

Where to Save:

Banks. Banks earn 8-12% from the money we deposit and they give us 1-4%. Hmm..no fair!

Insurance. Insurance companies earn 8-12% from our money and they give us 4-6%. Slightly better...

Professionally managed money. These companies earn 8-12% from our money and also give us 8-12% in return. I'm not very sure what these are, but I guess these are the stocks, mutual funds and the like.

Six Steps to Financial Management:

I won't bother to explain each of these, as I might get them wrong, so just read on:)

Increase cash flow.

Manage debt.

Create an emergency fund.

Ensure proper protection (in case you live too short LOL).

Build long-term asset accumulation (in case you live too long:P ).

Ensure your estate.

Well, WFMAI offers free seminars or whatcha-macall-'em to anyone who's interested to know more about these things and the products they're selling. And just because I was pretty impressed with their "seminar", here's their address for those who'd like to inquire:

3/F A&V Crystal Tower

105 Esteban St., Makati City

Tel Nos. 812-11-88 loc 115, 118, 124

Was That It?

2009-08-03T21:56:00.005+08:00

Okay, so I've done it -- err, I guess. It was very subtle. Was I understood? Anyway, I didn't really get a clear answer, or am I just in denial and can't accept what the answer was? But was that it? The single determining factor to everything?

Well, after pining for days over it, I find that I'm still no closer to the answers I seek, and now I'm torn about which way to go.

Untitled

2009-08-03T12:36:00.006+08:00

My weekend was bathed in melancholy. I hadn't been that sad in ages, and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was because Infinite would be away, or maybe because of what Dawn said. Or maybe it was because I missed my nephew's birthday celeb due to a change in plans. Or maybe because I was under the weather. Was catching the colds, which fortunately didn't develop into full-blown colds (for lack of a better term?). Or maybe it was the dread of going back to a boring a job after a couple of days. Or maybe it was just that time of the month. Or maybe I just need to go to church more often. Letlet was teasing me that I was turning into a non-practising atheist...no way!

Or maybe it was all of the above? They say that an idle mind is the devil's playground, and with my awfully boring job and with nothing much to do over the weekend, it all just came crashing on me, I guess...aargh!

To try to cheer myself up, I tried to watch some feel-good movies. I finally got to start on the stash of movies Letlet has copied to my external hard-drive and I downloaded some more sappy stuff. Hmm, didn't really help much, but it was fun watching movies nonetheless. For some reason, my DVD player isn't working (need lil bro to look in on that), so I made do with watching on my PC.

But I think the culprit was mainly what Dawne said and advised. Sound advice, though pretty hard to implement. Once again, I'm overwhelmed by uncertainties of the future and what they entail. Following that advice is sorta like the "moment of truth" but I guess it's better to face the truth now than later. It also just emphasized more what the situation was and what it called for. Dawne's advice is the logical path to take, but it just scares me to death! Well, I guess I'll have at least a few days to muster the courage.

Blessings of the Month: July

2009-08-01T17:54:00.005+08:00

Things are good with Infinite again. Woot!
My mom came to my rescue. Thanks, Mom! :)
The solution to something came in the form of text messages. Now I have options :)

Why the Rush?

2009-07-30T11:37:00.006+08:00

Why are you in a rush?

What's the hurry?

There's no need for things to go fast

Why are you so wary?

Let time take its course

Let things unfold

For better or worse

You will get the gold.

Be patient, just wait

Don't be overly eager

Or you might just trip

And you won't know better.

Have faith, believe

Things will turn out for the best

If they're meant to be

God will take care of the rest.

Inspiring Story

2009-07-29T14:56:00.007+08:00

Here's the link to a story (true) that I read on MSN today. I found it really inspiring and touching. It proves that:

If there's a will, there's a way.
Anything is possible if you put your heart to it.
There's no harm in trying. The simplest idea may turn out to be the best one.
There are still a lot of good people out there.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32186013?GT1=43001

Internet Happy

2009-07-28T10:02:00.005+08:00

My Internet speed had been literally crawling recently, with download speeds ranging from 200 to 300 kbps...can you believe that? I'm now taking a lot of my late-night teleconferences at home, so this kind of connection might get me into trouble if I can't connect to Skype or Live Meeting. Plus my brother's always complaining that he gets logged off from War Rock (*rolls eyes* ) when he and the bunch come over for a visit and of course, hog my computer all day.

I then thought of upgrading my PLDT MyDSL plan, but from friends' advices, I looked into shifting to another Internet service provider instead. Unfortunately, there are no available lines for Globe Broadband, SKY Broadband, or Destiny in my area... talk about tough luck!

So I guess I was stuck with PLDT MyDSL. I was just going to upgrade my plan to 1 mbps, since the plan I signed up for (Plan 999) years ago guaranteed only 384 kbps. However, I learned from the MyDSL tech support guy that I should already be at 1 mbps at my current plan and that if I wanted to upgrade then it would be to the 2 mbps plan, which was for P1299.00/month. But I figured that if I was getting 200 kbps when I'm supposedly getting 1 mbps, I might just end up getting 400 kbps if I upgraded to 2 mbps...no way!

Instead of upgrading my DSL plan, I just filed a report that my connection was utterly slow. I was really dubious about filing another report because nothing had been done in the past. The tech guy just attributed the slow connection to the speed of my computer...duhh??? I have a 2G Core Duo processor (okay, Job I can hear you laughing, or probably rolling your eyes? :P ) or whatever. My brother has a slightly slower processor and gets great speed for his MyDSL connection.

Anyway, they worked on it remotely the whole week last week. They never came to my place, as I am only home after 5, so they just called me to see how my speed was and did their thing wherever. The guy in charge was the same guy who said the slow connection was because of my PC (I just talked to him on the phone then, too). Anyway, they finally did something right, and the last time I checked I was getting a download speed of 1.15-1.20 mbps, and that was a peak hour. My upload speed was around 300+ kbps. Not bad at all...woot! :)

Haunted by the Past

2009-07-24T11:47:00.007+08:00

I thought it was over
I thought I could move on
But now the past comes haunting
Getting on my nerves again.

See what you've done
How careless could you get?
So much confidence in yourself?
Now everything's breaking down.

Do I clean up after your mess?
Isn't that a bit unfair?
I told you many times before
Listen you wouldn't care.

Is there hope for you?
Is there hope for us?
I can't go on like this
It simply is too much.

I didn't bargain for this
Was looking for something better
Seems now I'm stuck instead
To this mess you have created.

Helen Fisher Personality Test: What's Your Personlity Type?

2009-07-24T10:10:00.010+08:00

I've been coming across the Helen Fisher personality types for some time now. According to Helen Fisher, these personality types are based on certain body chemicals, which make them inherent in people rather than developed (meaning we were born with them). The Helen Fisher personality types are classified into the following: explorer, builder, director, and negotiator.

In a nutshell, Explorers are impulsive, spontaneous, and adventurous, while Builders are quite the opposite. Builders prefer being relaxed. They are traditionalists and live by a certain set of values. Directors, on the other hand, rely much on logic. They go after what they want and are open to new ideas as long as these are logical. Discovers are quite scientific in nature. Conversely, Negotiators are more intuitive than scientific. They focus on emotions and on details. Well, a ton of information is on the web or click here for more information.

They say explorers are compatible with fellow explorers, builders with fellow builders, and negotiators with discoverers. The following is an excerpt from http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net (Sorry, no time to rewrite:P ):

Explorer/Explorer. Explorers are attracted to other Explorers because they crave excitement; they want optimism, impulsivity and curiosity in their partner. The Explorer/Explorer match is generally strong because Explorers love adventure and want a partner to share their spontaneity. But this match can have problems. Since both are willing to tolerate risks, two Explorers can find themselves in disastrous situations. And Explorers are not usually very introspective so the pair often avoids difficult discussions.

Builder/Builder. Like Explorers, Builders are attracted to each other. They are most likely to marry each other, to say they are happy in their marriage and less likely to divorce than other combinations. Builders like bringing people and community together and enjoy working together. They are successful at building large circles of close friends, making sensible decisions about money, family and feelings together and value security above almost everything.

Director/Negotiator. Unlike Builders and Explorers who are often attracted to people of their own type, Directors and Negotiators are often drawn to each other. They compliment each other as Negotiators see the big picture while Directors focus on smaller pieces of the puzzle. Negotiators are skilled at seeing all angles without taking action and Directors are decisive yet don’t often analyze ancillary data. The two types are also compatible socially. Negotiators are good at smoothing over Directors’ inappropriate comments and Directors admire the diplomatic nature of Negotiators.

Of course, I became curious about my own personality type, so I took the test, and it turns out I'm a Negotiator/Builder, meaning I'm primarily a negotiator and secondarily a builder.

The test is quite long, but the results are pretty accurate. After the test, you'll get a page-long result explaining your personality type. Will just keep the rest of my personality type's description to myself...haha. Anyway, you can take the test here. You'll be required to enter a US zip code, so for non-US residents, you can just enter 90210, and voila! :)

To the readers of this blog who will be taking the test, it will be interesting to know what types you are or what you think of the test :)

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Famous negotiators: Oprah Winfrey, Leo Tolstoy, Katie Holmes, Bill Clinton, Hillary Duff, Mohandas Gandhi, and Charles Darwin.

Hollow

2009-07-23T12:41:00.005+08:00

A feeling of emptiness

Of being neither here nor there

A suspension of the senses

About anything I couldn't care.

A state of waiting

A state of nothingness

Everything seems crashing

Everything seems a mess.

Yet there's disturbing silence

Camouflaged as peace

Putting down all my defenses

Yet I can't be at ease.

A soul that's weary

A heart that's restless

As sunset comes shortly

Let the night bring rest.

What's on My Ipod? (Part III)

2009-07-20T09:44:00.008+08:00

3 Doors Down (3 Doors Down). This album sounds very consistent with their previous album(s). A good listen if you're into adult contemporary music -- easy listening rock with lyrics you can relate to.

New Kids on the Block (The Block). My dream come-back album :) Yes, I was a huge fan back in the days -- being an official fan club member, collecting all sorts of New Kids stuff and the like LOL. Well, this album doesn't sound much like their albums then, which I think is quite apt since they're much older now. This album has more of the R&B groove, with lotsa dance tracks and having the sexy vibe. I'm really more into rock and emo now, but this is still a great one. I just hope this wasn't a one-off thing to make some quick cash :P

Plus One (Exodus). I got this CD for free from a BMG website, thinking it was anything like their first album (with hits Last Flight Out and Here in My Heart), but this album sounded surprisingly different -- more rock and more Christian than their previous album. It turned out that by this time (this album was released in 2003), the group of five has become three and they've decided to veer away from mainstream pop and shift their music to rock -- well, sorta like pop-rock. Anyway, songs from this album take some time to get used to, and I still like Hillsong United and Jars of Clay better, but this one's a good listen and lyrically rich, too!

Secondhand Serenade (A Twist in My Story - Deluxe Edition). I've been listening to this album for over a year now, and I still can't get enough! This has basically just a few tracks added to the regular album -- quite redundant really, but something you won't mind if you're a fan :P A new additional track here is John Vesely's rendition of Coldplay's Fix You. It seemed the right song to cover at first, but I was a bit disappointed because John's acoustic version of sorts sounded a lot like the original, but I guess there was really nothing much he could do with the song -- geez, I'm starting to sound like Simon Cowell LOL.

Taylor Swift (Fearless). I totally love this girl...as in TOTALLY! I can listen to her all day everyday :) Of course, I try to restrain myself from doing that, as there are so many more music acts to listen to. Anyway, this album is just as good as her previous offing...simply superb! Amazing writing skills, too, for someone so young.. and she can play the guitar really well. Now that's what I would call true artistry! I can really relate to her songs, too, but I hope that as she grows older she'll have more to write about than getting cheated on :P

Men are fom Mars, Women are from Venus

2009-07-19T01:10:00.009+08:00

I find it fascinating to learn about the differences in how men and women think and feel. It's quite surprising to learn how men are so different from how women perceive them to be.

As someone who's interested in psychology, I find these kinds of "findings" really interesting. However, lately, I think there has been quite an overload of information on this topic. The Internet abounds with articles on this, and when I switch on the TV, there would be an author promoting his or her book on the same subject matter.

And they have the same pitch: To help women attract and keep a man. Sure, at first this seems very plausible. After all, they do come out with studies of all kinds, so why not this one, too? But with the volume of material being written about this now, I can't help thinking, are women really that desperate to have a man in their lives that they even need to consult these books? Can't they be happy otherwise?

Anyway, the main message of what these "experts" say is basically for a woman to be confident and happy with herself. In other words, women empowerment and self-love. They say that these are the things that will attract men (I wonder if these apply to Filipinos, too, since a lot of Filipino men would resent independent women), but regardless of whether this is true or not, I think that it is a win-win situation. If this theory of theirs is valid then you're bound to get and keep a great guy, but if it's not valid, then you should still be happy because you've taken care of yourself well and you are happy in and of yourself.

You complete me is a famous line from the movie Jerry McGuire, but as some experts have said, this shouldn't be the case, and I totally agree. You shouldn't have to rely on another person to be complete and happy. You should be happy and complete by yourself.

For me, having a relationship is something that's nice-to-have and not really a must-have -- sorta like icing on the cake. It shouldn't be the be-all and end-all of anyone's existence. In these times of failed relationships, I think that the only thing you can really be sure of is yourself, so start appreciating yourself more :)

A Month!

2009-07-17T10:41:00.005+08:00

It's just starting to dawn on me how fast next month is approaching, and it will be for a month... OMG!

I've known about it for some time but I guess I've always taken it for granted, as it has always worked out, and there has always been a way. But I guess this one's going to be different -- a little more challenging maybe.

I dread the thought and the day..or days? But on the positive side, maybe the time will do a lot of good. They say be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it. It seems I might get something I wished for, though I've already discarded that thought. But maybe the time will allow for reflection. Maybe it will allow for strength to build..for rejuvenation?

It's a make or break situation, I think, but I believe everything happens for a reason. I just wonder what this one's is.

What's in a Dream?

2009-07-16T10:19:00.008+08:00

Vanilla was telling me yesterday about her weird and colorful (not literally!) dream about me. Vanilla has this habit of retelling her stories over and over, so of course I was hearing about it until this morning...oh bother! I love Vanilla, but I really have to tune out on the second or third round of her stories... *shakes head*

Anyway, her dream about me was so fantastic (I thought it was) and quite detailed. Surprisingly, though, once I broke down the details of her dream, I found that it was a very literal interpretation of what "others" have told me about my future (which Vanilla didn't know about) -- quite accurate actually if I'll base it on what I've been told.

But really, this means nothing to me. I don't believe in dreams (the dreams you have when you sleep, that is). I take them for granted and take them as mere manifestations of my thoughts and feelings while I'm awake. Besides, they're often so literal that I don't think they symbolize anything as dreams should (or should they?). I sorta envy MissMetaphor whose dreams are very symbolic but which manifest one way or another in the "real world".

Well, as I told Vanilla in conclusion to our lengthy (and circular?) discussion of her dream, we'll just wait and see if her dream will come true.

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Side Comment:

To the curious and intrigued minds that graze this blog, characters in my blog are kept hidden, mysterious or anonymous (whichever term you want to use) for a purpose...and to make this blog more interesting. I'm sure you agree....or you wouldn't still be reading this. *winks*

You Can't Top That!

2009-07-15T11:49:00.007+08:00

He said googolplex is the highest mathematical number and that I couldn't top that. There's no googolplex+1...haha...

Oh well, all I can just say is...ditto =)

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Googol -- what?

For more information, check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Googolplex.

How can I outsmart the geeky one?! :))

What a Shame...

2009-07-14T09:43:00.009+08:00

There's a recent controversy about Freddie Aguilar labeling the likes of Arnel Pineda and Charice Pempengco as monkeys for not singing originals and singing only covers of foreign artists' songs, although the former claimed that he did not label the two as such and was merely citing Mariah Carey calling Regine Velasquez a monkey (bad Mariah!) some years back.

Whether Freddie Aquilar did call Arnel and Charice monkeys or not, I think that it was a good criticism that could have been stated in a better or more positive way. Besides, Arnel Pineda is the lead singer for Journey. Of course, he's expected to sing Journey songs. As for Charice's never-ending rendition of Run To You, well, it was the song she sang at the local competition she joined, which first got the attention of the people who helped propel her to the fame and stardom she now enjoys. Although she could at least be singing covers of different songs in her numerous TV guesting, I still think it's quite forgivable because that song does showcase her vocal prowess, and it was after all from a singing competition. Even American Idol contestants sing covers during the competition to get the viewers' attention. I don't think singing contestants can make much of an impact if they sing their own songs.

Anyway, what I do agree with regarding Freddie Aguilar's comments is the lack of Filipino singers' originality when it comes to their music. I'm not a fan of Filipino music because of this. So many Filipino singers just sing covers of popular foreign songs and sing them very much like the original. I mean, if they're gonna sing covers, they should at least change the arrangement, or cover unpopular songs. If they can make unpopular or unknown songs popular then I think that would at least come close to originality.

It's such a shame that we have so many talented singers who can't make their own music. I think that covering popular songs is just an easy and fast way to cash in. It baffles me how many young artists in the US make it with their own music, yet our "veteran" singers still get by on covers and even recycled covers at that.

Nina and MYMP, for example, are music acts that I was very impressed with in the beginning. I was about to buy their albums but changed my mind upon seeing that their albums consist mostly of covers. Why would I want to listen to something I've already heard hundreds of times? They do have great originals, but it seems that for every original song, they come out with 5 or more covers. Ugh! Don't they have confidence in their own talents and just stick to their own stuff, or are they just too lazy to sit down and take their time in coming up with their own music?

I've never been to a Filipino artist's concert, maybe because of the same reason. Even when the artist has his or her own material, he/she still ends up singing a lot of covers in the concert. What for? And then there are those who would use original lyrics but to the tune of something popular.. ugh! Lazy, lazy, lazy!

It's not like I'm against the lack of originality only in the Filipino music scene. Westlife, a band I love, has two albums of covers -- one of Frank Sinatra's (I didn't even bother to listen to this one) and one of love songs (a good listen, but not something I can listen to repeatedly) -- which aren't anywhere on my list of favorites, and New Found Glory has an album that has nothing but covers of popular songs, too, which I think is also lame. I don't know about New Found Glory, but Westlife at least comes up and has come up with a lot of original hits, unlike some Filipino artists who come up with album after album of covers. I guess I just don't like copycats...period -- regardless of who's doing the copying.

I don't think I'll ever be a fan of Filipino music, but when I do listen to some, it would be those of the local rock bands. Although only a few would conform (for lack of a better term?) to my taste in music, I applaud these bands because majority -- if not all -- of them would have enough originality and creativity to create their own material.

P.S.
I know a lot of local rap/hip hop artists also come up with their own stuff, but since I don't really listen to that kind of music then I'd rather not comment :P

What's on My Ipod? (Part II)

2009-07-13T11:23:00.006+08:00

Jason Mraz (We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things). This one's very consistent with Jason's past offerings. Very easy-listening with a slight touch of reggae. I always get the feeling of being on a tropical island and basking in the sunshine whenever I listen to his music. Quite funny and silly lyrics, yet which have a positive vibe to them. Coolness!

Jesse McCartney (Departure). I've been listening to this album for a year now, and even after a year, it's still spawning hits and getting a lot of air play on the radio and music video channels. Jesse's music is very pop, but what I like about him is he tries to sound different with each album. The first (Beautiful Soul) was very generically pop and sounded very much like the kid he was back then. The next (Right Where You Want Me) still sounded very pop but had a lot of jazzy feel to it. This latest offing is more dance and upbeat with a sexy vibe. Jesse trying to be more mature? Well, I wouldn't commend the lyrics, but definitely a good listen if you want something to get you going.

Jon Mclaughlin (OK Now). This is the second album I have of him. I guess my dad really likes his music. I hear his songs on Internet radio, but he's unheard of here in the Philippines. Well, his music is a lot like those of John Mayer and James Morison --- easy listening, sorta acoustic. This makes for good listening if you want something relaxing that won't make you doze off.

Jonas Brothers (A Little Bit Longer). Okay, this one's a download. Even forgot all about it till I saw it on my ipod. Anyway, not a big fan of theirs but I keep listening to them just to get in with the hype, and they're not that bad. They are, to me, like the bubblegum pop of rock. No substance in the lyrics, but this one's a good listen if you want to listen to pretty good music that you don't need to digest.

Kelly Clarkson (All I Ever Wanted). This is very reminiscent of Kelly's Breakaway album in terms of quality. I instantly loved this one. I'm glad she's back with a great album after her not-so-great My December album. I'm not sure how successful that one was, but it was definitely a flop in my book. I think I've had that album for two years now, but I still haven't given it a good listen just because it didn't interest me enough. Well, she's making a strong comeback this time, and she's looking better, too!

On Hindsight

2009-07-12T18:47:00.005+08:00

An idle mind is a playground for thoughts -- no, not the negative kind this time. I guess I just wasn't too preoccupied this weekend. Actually kind of bored, and these flashes of thoughts keep entering my mind -- about how the future will be like.

It's like I am assuming how the future will pan out for me -- a sense of certainty about the future, and yet at the same time, I can't quite fathom how it will come to be. Again, that overwhelmed feeling washes over me.

But then I remember that I sorta felt this way, too, five to ten years ago. Despite people's cynical remarks about my future, I always knew that I'd be able to get to where I am now. Back then, I didn't know how, but I knew for sure that I would.

And sure enough, I'm here. I didn't even realize that I was slowly getting myself to where I envisioned myself to be. Things that I thought wouldn't be possible have now come to fruition.

It's true that when you help yourself God will do the rest, but it never ceases to amaze me just how God makes anything possible. And right now, I have this inexplicable feeling of being so darn ready for the next chapter of my life, it's both kinda scary and exciting at the same time. Scary because it might mean a lot of unforeseen changes and maybe even a diversion from the dreams and plans I've held on to all my life. Yet it's exciting, too, because I've learned to trust God so much that I know everything He brings into my life would be something great.