Just for Kids?

Christmas has come and gone, and I barely felt it. I miss Christmases past when I could feel the holiday spirit even months before-- when Christmas was something I looked forward to all year.

Now, it seems like just another holiday. Another holiday you had to get through. And yeah, I know that it's a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, a time of gift giving and goodwill, but all these are just knowledge -- things that are inculcated in my mind.

I miss the joy and excitement that Christmas brings -- or supposedly brings. I miss the goosebumps I get at hearing Christmas songs and seeing Christmas decors. Now, even gifts have lost their appeal.

They always say that Christmas is just for kids. I refused to believe this for the longest time. I believed that Christmas was universal and was meant for all. Why should adults be excluded? That didn't seem fair. But now I guess I must concede. Christmas is indeed for children.

Is it because of the cynicism that develops in us as we grow old? Is it because we're too busy thinking about how to fulfill our daily obligations that we fail to stop and appreciate the simplicity and beauty of the holiday season? We're too busy rushing through our Christmas shopping, ensuring that we stay within our budget. We're too busy planning and preparing for our Christmas dinner whereas as children, we just waited for midnight to come while our moms stressed herself out over the preparations. Now I appreciate everything my mom did during the holidays even more.

The point is, have we become too busy with life that we fail to appreciate or realize the meaning of the things we do? It frustrates me that we can't find meaning in things without the material. Christmas won't feel much like Christmas without the grand meals, the gifts, and the decors. Is it ever possible to feel the spirit of Christmas without any of these things? I guess not.

I wish i can go back to the innocence of my childhood when simple and little things were enough to make me happy. Now I seek something more than the physical and the material. I still can't figure out exactly what it is, but whatever it is, I hope I find it and that it comes to me not just on Christmas day.

Boston

by Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...

Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,

This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across

An open field,

When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry

When they see you

You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,

I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah

Where no one knows my name...Where no one knows my name...

Yeah Boston...

Where no one knows my name.

Self Love

The advice I got over the weekend is to love myself -- to be a little selfish and to think of myself more...to bring myself at the center of my life.

Two very wise friends gave me this advice on separate occasions, but I still find it hard to comprehend. How do I love myself more? Don't I love myself enough already?

Even TNB told me before that I concern myself too much with other people's worries. That I would drive myself crazy if I keep this up. But how do I make myself indifferent to what's going on around me? How can I turn a blind eye to the needs of those whom I care about?

Another key theme in the advice I got is to distance myself. Distance myself without leaving. Another mind-boggling concept. I have to be careful about distancing myself without becoming indifferent, as I think that a state of "unfeeling" is worse than being in pain, for the latter is still somehow capable of feeling.

What makes it harder is that I've always been taught to put others before myself. Selfless love, just like the type of love God gives us. Unconditional love, just as our parents give us. To love without expecting anything in return.

Although I acknowledge that there are just some things that I can't do for others and that they have to do for themselves, I still feel the need to help them in any way I can -- be it through words of encouragement, emotional support, or whatever.

This is not to say that I don't understand the reason for their advice. I have enough worries on my own, and to keep worrying about others, too, can be quite draining. Maybe it's time I start taking care of myself, too.

Perhaps I should just be grateful for these lessons, or for the opportunities to learn these lessons. Although I don't have all the answers yet and am practically groping my way around, I guess I'll have to start focusing on myself for now and start getting to know myself better.

Day 1 starts today.

Letting Go

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

-This was written by a friend's friend who goes by the name Digi Bigbear.

Barriers

I've seemingly become oblivious to that word -- "barriers." For me, things become barriers only when you let them become barriers. Throughout my life, I have encountered a lot of these so-called barriers, but they were more like challenges for me -- things that can be worked around and not really show-stoppers.

In my current predicament, I don't really see any external barriers that can't be overcome if you really want to. Of course, trying to overcome these barriers involves risks -- the risk of failure, of even possibly getting hurt in the process. But I've learned that unless you muster the courage to confront your fears and be willing to take risks then there's no way you can move forward. I've learned that if you always stay within your comfort zone then there won't be much room for improvement and growth.

They say that it's better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all. I live by this mantra because so many times, the things we fear don't even happen, and not taking chances just result in missed opportunities. I've also realized that I can live more easily with regrets over the things that I did than over the things that I didn't do. Time doesn't come back and neither do opportunities. Opportunities can easily slip by if you don't grab them right away. I'd hate to be an old woman later and still be haunted by what ifs and could've beens.

I don't know where my courage and bravado is coming from. I don't know why I'm suddenly fearless. I used to be enveloped by my fears, but now I can't even find a trace of them. I kinda wish I still had those fears just because they protect me. They keep me from wanting to explore uncharted territories. But for some reason, my fears have been replaced by a very strong urge to move ahead.

Now I feel like surging ahead no matter what the consequences may be. I just think that I can be more at peace with failing despite my efforts than being stuck in a place where I don't want to be. Besides, it really is a win-win situation. Trying to overcome the barriers might prove to be successful. But even if it doesn't, it will surely be a learning experience and I'd be a better person for it. As another saying goes, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I guess that no matter how bad things get, the human spirit is resilient enough to be able to move on and recover.

The one real barrier, I think, is ourselves. If we're so consumed by negativity, and if we let all the possibilities -- good and bad -- overwhelm us -- then we will just be paralyzed and be unable to move forward. I think the key is to take things one day and one step at a time. The first step is always the hardest and the scariest. But if you just keep an open mind and be brave enough to take that first step, you might find that it's not so bad after all.

Crystal

The crystal. I didn't get the analogy at first. What's wrong with the crystal? Well, it's beautiful and hard. Rock solid, and yet it's in its final form -- it can no longer be transformed into something else.

And that's how it is. We are in the process of being crystallized. Something beautiful, and yet offers no room for growth. It's like we've reached our maximum potential. Yet, this doesn't make us happy, for the inability to grow further is almost synonymous to death.

Do we just content ourselves with the beautiful for the fear of destroying it if we try to stretch it to its limits, or perhaps even beyond its limits? And yet, what good is crystal if all you can do is stare at it and admire it from afar? What good is beauty and strength if they're all for show?

I keep thinking of what I'd prefer and all I can come up with is gold. Gold isn't as rock solid as crystal -- its beauty not readily apparent. It can melt when subjected to heat and it can be transformed into any form as you see fit. But maybe that's what I want. I don't want something stagnant. I don't want something that's beautiful and "safe," but which can no longer grow.

Gold can become beautiful, too, yet it's never in its final state. It can always be changed into something even more beautiful. It's not rock solid. The more pure the gold, the more malleable it becomes -- seemingly vulnerable.

But I'd rather be vulnerable because that's more real. I definitely prefer that over pretend strength. So what if we break under pressure? Gold becomes beautiful only when subjected to the elements. If it can't withstand all the pressure, is it really something that we want?

Rollercoaster Ride

The past weeks -- or month, maybe -- has been sort of a roller coaster ride for me. It seemed like so many things were happening, each day different. It seemed like I was going through so much, although maybe it was really nothing.

My over thinking and over-analyzing mind went on overdrive recently, which caused all the mumbo jumbo. I seemed to be going through a lot, but then I couldn't really find the words to describe them; hence, the long silence in this blog. I actually only visited my blog yesterday and was disappointed at myself for having written only two posts last month. Not to mention that I've forgotten to write about my monthly blessings -- oh well, another one of those things that are hard to constantly follow through.

I was also physically ill for most of last week. Actually had the flu for the first time in four years. I'm lucky to have a non-fussy (would this pass as a word?) boss. I had to skip work for three days, but ironically, I didn't feel rested at all. Rather, all those physical discomfort just added to the turmoil I was already going through.

I seem to be back to my old self -- whatever that is. At the beginning of this week I vowed that I was going to be happy again. Somehow I had this notion that I could will myself to be happy. Well, I guess I did. No more of the ill feelings, and I hope it stays that way for the next six months at least (why six months? Beats me! --Just some random number LOL).

Anyway, I guess I'm just gonna focus on the positive for now. Although negative things are always looming ahead, I've learned that it really doesn't help to try to address them all at once. I guess I'll have to learn to deal with things as they come and not be so impatient.

Still Consistent?

Sometimes things are simpler and easier to deal with when they are what you believe them to be. But when what you want to believe and what's actually happening seems contradictory, it can be hard to tell which is true. Or maybe neither is true?

I was expecting things to change (not for the better) after what transpired, but to my pleasant yet somewhat frustrating surprise, things are still as they always have been -- still consistent. I say frustrating because I was prepared for the worst, and maybe the worst would have been easier to deal with in the long run -- just because the worst brings with it some sense of finality.

It gets kind of confusing and hard to understand when the outcome isn't as I expect. Is it because of my cynicism, now slowly bordering on pessimism? Is it because I don't even understand what the outcome is? Maybe I can't understand myself what my reaction to that incident is.

But well, I can only be sure of the present, and what I can witness about the present. How did the recent past affect the present? I don't know. How will the recent past affect the future? I don't know. Only one thing is evident -- that things are still consistent. I guess I should be happy about that, and I guess I am. It's just that it also gives me even more to think about. Aargh...if only I can shush my brain!

How?

This is a question I've had to contend with and mull over recently. To have a goal is one thing. How to achieve that goal is another. No matter how wonderful a goal may seem, if you don't have the means for reaching it, then all is in vain.

I thought I've had it all figured out. I had a plan. I figured that to think of everything all at once can be overwhelming, and may even make the goal seem impossible to reach. If all you can see is the end of the road but the path seems blurry, it can indeed seem like a hopeless journey.

So I've stopped trying to think of everything at once. Instead, I tried to break down my goals into smaller milestones that are more easily achieved, but which can make the road ahead just a bit more visible.

However, even as I thought I've figured things out, there are still some gaps in the plan -- gaps that I may have no control over. With this roadblock on my path, how should I proceed? Now there's another "how" to hurdle.

I was talking to ExtrremelyNice today, and we were talking about how having sheltered childhoods deprive us of life's lessons. In situations such as I'm facing now, I wish there was a book I could refer to. A user guide to tell me what the next step is. But as it is, I'm only now beginning to experience these things. With the many how's I encounter and will encounter, I guess I can only grope my way towards the end of the road.

Feeding the Soul

I was having an online chat with Conservative Lady sometime last week. She's a friend who works overseas, and she had some time to go online last week, so we took it as an opportunity to catch up on things.

She mentioned that although she was doing alright, she felt that there was something missing -- and no, she didn't think it was a boyfriend LOL.

I told her I was feeling the same way a few months ago -- getting bouts of depression, crying for seemingly no reason at all. At the time, I came to a realization that maybe I should start going to church more regularly. In the past, I took inexplicable sadness to mean that God was nudging me to attend to my spiritual needs, too. In the past, attending even just one mass was guaranteed to cure my bouts of loneliness.

When I started regularly going to church again recently, it immediately made me a much happier gal, and I gave that advise to Conservative Lady. She was giving so many excuses why she couldn't go to church, but I urged her to try.

Even I had so many excuses before why I couldn't go to church -- until I had to drag myself there out of desperation. Again, if there's a will, there's a way. It's only sorta hard at first -- just because it's not part of your regular routine, but soon enough, it becomes something that you regularly seek.

It's true that no matter how well we are doing physically, emotionally, and mentally, we still have to attend to our spiritual needs. Unfortunately, these needs are not filled in by material and tangible things. Each one has their own way of nourishing the soul, but whatever it is, it's an aspect of our life we can't and shouldn't neglect.

Now, I actually look forward to going to church every week. Some friends before told me I have an addictive personality, and well, now my latest addiction is going to church :)

Freelance vs. Regular Job

I was again recently confronted with the dilemma of either working freelance full time or working a regular job full time. I must admit working freelance is sorta tempting -- you get a higher net pay; and you get to work from the comfort of your home. You won't have to get up so early either, as you will no longer have to account for travel time.

However, working in an office environment has its certain appeal, too. I was talking to HappySanta the other day, and she did comment that I prefer having officemates. And that's true. While it's great to work by yourself and avoid the intrigues and issues that come with office politics, working in a team environment allows for learning, knowledge sharing, and interaction that you wouldn't get if you were confined to the comfort -- which may later turn into "discomfort" -- of your home.

So now, I guess I'll just make the most of an office environment. There's plenty of time to go solo later on.

Conversations with MissMetaphor

I guess I can consider myself a very private person. Although my life's an open book, I don't exactly volunteer information about myself. It's an open book in such a way that when asked, I won't hesitate to tell the truth or to relate things about myself. However, I never blurt out information about myself. I never like being the center of attention. I've always been happy just being in the background. I guess I never needed the limelight to recognize my value as a person.

Lately, though, I've found myself having more and more conversations with MissMetaphor -- about things that I'd never share with anyone otherwise. It started with a lot of teasing. And just to prove my point, I was forced to come out of my shell.

With the shell now broken, there's really no way I can go back in, is there? So now I find myself sharing a lot of thoughts and musings with MissMetaphor. Not a bad thing, just awkward. Maybe it's just because I'm really not used to voicing out my thoughts. My deepest thoughts and feelings have always just been between me and God.

Anyhow, these conversations with MissMetaphor have been sort of enlightening. At least I get input from another person aside from always getting my input from me, myself, and I. Having someone else to talk to helps put some things into perspective, and maybe it's just good to get them out of my system.

It still feels awkward and quite uncomfortable at times, but the walls have been broken, and now MissMetaphor has no choice but to endure the flood of stories that are sure to come her way :P

Hear No Evil

I can't understand how people can be so judgemental of others based only on what they hear about the other person. I guess this is how gossip can be destructive.

How can you judge someone based only on secondhand information? Why can't most people suspend judgement until they actually get to know the person?

It's not to say I don't like gossip -- especially of the entertainment kind. Sure, I watch Entertainment Tonight and The Insider everyday, and become quite amused with all the scandals that celebrities get themselves into. But when it comes to people I know -- whether they're friends or acquaintances, or even just people I occasionally bump into -- I try to be careful about how I take in the things that I hear about them.

As I've mentioned before, everyone starts with a blank slate with me. No matter what I hear about that person, I don't immediately believe what I hear or take the gossips as truths. For one, others' experiences with that person may not necessarily be the same experience that I'll have with that person. For another, I don't even know the complete details of the circumstances. For all I know, there may have been very good reasons for whatever actions were made. Still another flaw in this is the accuracy of the information recounted to me. Who knows how many times the information has been passed on and how much the information has been altered before it got to me? It may even be possible that it's not only secondhand information, but third or fourth.

And still, my skepticism kicks in. If the things I hear about a person are too derogatory then it's also possible for these stories to just be fabricated -- all the more reason not to pass judgment so quickly.

I don't believe that first impressions last. I don't believe in judging people. But we're only humans and we can't help forming opinions and judgment of others. In this case, I at least give myself time to get to know the person better before forming any conclusions. Sure, this has gotten me into trouble a lot of times -- instances when I should have listened to others. Still, I have no regrets about giving everyone a fair chance to prove themselves. Besides, I believe that you should do unto others what you want others do unto you.

Happiness

Peaceful thoughts

Assurances

Flashes of images

Buoyant feelings

Contentment

Positive affirmations out of nowhere

Positive energies all around.

=======================
Side Note:

I know this poem is whacked in form, but just wanted to write something here, as it's been so long. I miss the days when I always have an idea for my blog as I wake up or as I go to bed. Now I'm just at a loss for words and ideas.

Well, I'm still blogging and writing a lot, so I guess that's enough to consume my energies. And for the curious minds out there, no, it's not a personal blog. It's not even my blog, so don't waste time looking for it :P I'm sorta "ghost blogging", but it's still fun. I just love words, and putting ideas into words, but I'll try to be more diligent with this blog again =)

Free No More

All things in life are free. So the song goes. In this day and age, though, it seems nothing is free anymore. Sure, we all get freebies from businesses wanting to promote their products...loads of freebies on the web, too.

It's ironic, though, that the one thing that's supposedly free is no longer free -- goodwill. I find it so preposterous that some people would seemingly extend a helping hand, only to be expecting something in return -- something monetary. And if they don't get it, they label you with such and such. Is this typical Filipino behavior? Or is this typical human behavior?

Happy Pill

It feels like I got a new prescription, and it seems to be working really well. For some reason, I've been pretty happy -- more like very happy -- recently, which is quite surprising for me.

I'm the cynical type, and though I consider myself pretty optimistic, I still look at life in a pretty bleak way. Yeah, I know. That sentence alone is a mish mash of contradictions, but well, you get the point.

Lately, I feel like I've been on the happy pill. Yeah sure, things still get me down, but just a small dose of the happy pill is enough to reproduce my happy hormones.

The ironic thing is there's so much more to write about when I'm kinda down and not much to share when things are going great. Well, I'll just keep my happy pills to myself (I'll just let you find yours :P), and hope I don't run out of them soon!

Psycho

I'm quite surprised to find myself watching and reading more news than usual. I don't really read or watch the news because they depress me, but with our office pantry TV eternally tuned in to CNN or BBC, and with my office browser homepage set to MSN, I can't help getting some doses of news -- and not just the entertainment kind. I even find myself more interested in watching the Today Show in the mornings instead of the usual MTV, Myx, or Channel V (LOL).

Political news never interest me, but I've been following the case of Jaycee Dugard and now recently the Annie Le case. I can't help wondering what goes on in the minds of people who commit these crimes. What could motivate them to do such evil things?

I got to read before the blog of George Sodini, the random killer at the fitness center in Pittsburgh, and he didn't seem to be a monster from his blog entries. He was just one very lonely man, and all his reasoning got twisted in the process, leading him to commit the crime -- a dramatic end from his perspective.

I was telling Infinite the other day that I believed all men were naturally good, that we were all born with goodness in our hearts, that it's as we grow that we turn into something else -- when hatred and anger or whatever else replaces the natural goodness. I wonder, is it just a case of something going haywire in the head?

Why are these people so sad and angry that they would take it out on innocent people whom they probably don't even know? Filipinos are a poor people, but I never hear of such heinous random crimes. Despite the difficulties imposed by poverty, I don't think that Filipinos see killing their fellow men as a solution to anything. Is it because of their religious faith?

Many argue the validity of religion, of Christianity in particular, but I think it's one that helps people stay sane. I think it does to the Filipinos at least. There's always that fear in a higher being that sorta serves as a fence between good and evil, and that fear usually keeps one from going over the fence.

When one doesn't believe in anything or doesn't have a strong set of morals, is that a reason why people go amok?

Career Bliss

Okay, so I haven't blogged for some days now. Well, I guess I've suddenly become so busy -- and it's not so much that I don't have the time to blog but that I can no longer think about much to blog about.

An idle mind is a playground for thoughts -- hmm, quite contradictory -- and my un-busy state just kept me thinking of all sorts of things that I'd like to blog about.

This week, though, marks the end of a year of bumming around. I started working on my side projects...and yes, I already got a second project from another client...how fun! So there, my thoughts mostly revolve around work now, aside, of course, from the obvious, and I haven't had much time for musing about things as I usually have.

I think, though, that I'm at a much better place. I actually feel happier and more fulfilled. I even look forward to going home not just for the usual things but also for getting to work on those projects. Wow, I'm actually writing again -- and from scratch! That's another reason for the decline in my blog. My blog used to be my only outlet for writing, but now I can bury myself in hours of writing bliss and don't even mind the late nights and the one or two hours of sleep that I lose. All's good!

I get bored with routine, and having these freelance projects allow me to work on a variety of projects, which definitely make things more interesting. I am also blessed to have a couple of really cool clients who seem easy to work with and who are flexible with arrangements, so hopefully I won't end up being a writing machine the way I did with my last freelance job. I got so burnt out from that, that it kept me away from the freelance scene for three years or so.

Well, all's good in terms of my work now. I actually appreciate my regular job now, as it allows me the flexibility to work on these other things. Plus I now get the fulfillment from a job, which I seemed to have missed for the past year.

Seek and You Shall Find

Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Once again, this Bible verse has proven to be true for me.

As advised by my dad and my friends, I tried looking for side projects recently. This way, I'll have something to do with my free time. I'll no longer get bored, and my brain cells will have some of the exercise that they need. Plus I definitely can use the cash.

It's been a few weeks that I've been looking for projects, with the help of a friend, but nothing seemed to be materializing. However, one day I got this email, inviting me to send a proposal for a project, and we've just closed the deal...yayy!

It's just funny how sometimes you go after something so hard and then God just sends you the one that's meant for you...from seemingly out of nowhere! The project seems to be a good deal, and my client seems to be really nice so all's cool.

So now I'll definitely have less time for Facebook (Thank God!). Not that Facebook is so bad. It's just that I feel I have better things to spend my time on, and I'll at least get to go back to creative writing again and even try my hand at becoming a professional blogger LOL. Gee, I wonder how I'll do with that. Up until now, I've just blogged for myself :P

I've been here before. Had too many jobs on the side that it led to a major burnout. This time, I'll try to maintain the balance I seem to have achieved and hopefully just enjoy everything :)

Reconnecting with Friends

My weekend was spent hanging out with friends. I don't really hang out much nor do I bother to meet new people, so it was really fun and comfortable to be around people with whom I can be myself.


Out With the Girls


Friday night I was out with three of my oldest (Does that go for age, too?:P Peace, girls! =) friends in Metro Manila. We try to meet every month, but for some reason, it's been more like every two months.

Although it didn't feel like two months since we keep in touch online anyway, it was still exciting to see them again. While sharing a huge slab of baby back ribs with them, I realized that some things never change.

• HappySanta still raves non-stop over yummy food (It was delish alright!)
• SexyMomma still entertains us with stories of her current boy toy.
• MissEngineer is still the one tasked to compute how much each of us will pay for the dinner.

It was a night of silliness and gossip! (LOL) -- just catching up on each other's lives and those of our friends or people we know. Till next month!

Something Fun and Technical

The next day I attended GrowingBoy's focused group discussion for his thesis. Wow...it was very reminiscent of last year's STC event and made me daydream for a little while about how nice it would be to hold another STC event where people from our industry can just share stuff with each other -- in the hopes of learning something new or even just alleviating some of the frustrations that come with the job.
I was really happy for GrowingBoy. He was able to round up a good group of people for his FGD - everyone coming from diverse backgrounds. Most were familiar faces, but I at least got to meet 2 cool guys who'll make great additions to my network connections. Our world is small, after all, and it's not unlikely that I'll bump into these guys somewhere some time.
A few of us headed for dinner after the FGD, and it was great to again catch up with my dear friends. Although we often keep in touch online, it seemed there were still a lot of things to talk about. I think I was actually venting more than just updating them on what I've been up to. Really sorry if I rained down on anyone's parade, but I guess my friends have had some slightly wrong notions about me, and I felt that relating things about myself or my present condition helped them understand more why I did the things I did.
They noted that I complained about everything LOL. Thinking back, maybe I did complain a lot, and maybe I really should focus on the good things instead of my frustrations. Nothing and nobody's perfect after all. But no promises that I'd no longer vent on ASOP every now and then. After all, that's what it's for -- somewhere I can express myself.
To my friends, I'm glad to have you guys as my friends, and I hope to see you guys much more! :)

Wealth Management Lessons: Mutual Funds vs. Banks

Our wealth management seminars concluded last week, and did I learn a lot! It was a real wake up call on how we should not take money matters for granted, especially when preparing for the future. I'll try to write some entries regarding my "learnings."

First off, we should define what financial independence is. Financial independence, according to experts, is "the ability to live the lifestyle we deserve without having to work or rely on anyone else" (-- definition given by Philam Life).

So how do we become financially independent? Of course, we should still work as hard as we can now, while we still can, but we should know how to grow our money enough so that money can later work for us and not us forever working for the money. This basically means that we should try to save enough money so that we can live off merely on the interest. And I guess this is how the rich manage to just laze around the beach all day and still be earning. They'll be earning practically even as they sleep! That's because their money never stops generating interest.

And now comes the hard part. How do we earn enough so that the interest it earns sustains our lifestyle? Of course, we have to save, save, save! And probably venture into investments or businesses. But will saving in the bank suffice to make our money grow that much? Well, if the bank offers a 1% interest per year, your money doubles every 72 years (based on the rule of 72)! Err, I don't think so!

Bank or Mutual Funds?

Insurance/Mutual fund companies say that they don't compete with the banks because they serve a different purpose from the banks.

We basically use banks to store our money, particularly our immediate cash needs. We also store our emergency fund in the bank. Experts suggest that we should have an emergency fund amounting to 6-12 months of our monthly pay or monthly expenses. This way, you'll still be assured of sustaining your lifestyle should an emergency occur. For example, should you suddenly lose your job then you can live off on your emergency fund for the next 6-12 months while you look for another job.

After you've grown your money (supposedly by the time you retire), you also store it in the bank so that it can gain interest which you later live off on.

But as you're still growing your money, mutual funds, I think, is something worth looking into. With mutual funds, your money can earn from 6-12% interest or even more. From the sample computation Philam Life gave us, just putting in P1,000.00/month for the next 20+ or 30 (not really sure, sorry!) years will earn you over P3,000,000.00! I think P1000.00/month is doable. If you can put in even more then you'll earn even more!

We should consider the inflation rate when planning for our future. As a sample computation that an agent I met made, if you need P30,000.00/month now to sustain your lifestyle, you'd be needing around P150,000.00/month to sustain the same lifestyle in 30 years (please don't ask for the detailed computation -- that's way beyond my league!). And to earn a monthly interest amounting to P150,000, you should have around P18M in the bank...woah! Of course, those wanting to raise a family also have children's education to consider, and that, too, is subject to inflation. Just an FYI, to earn P18M in 30 years, you must put in around P7000.00/month into your mutual fund account (provided you're investing in equity funds that earn a 12% interest). And oops, of course you should have the discipline not to touch the money until the right time =)

So wisen up on where you put your money while you're still strong and healthy enough to work! You wouldn't want to still be overworking yourself when you're supposedly just enjoying your retirement.

Anniversary!

Today marks my first year at my current job. Although I immensely loved my previous job, I can say I have no regrets about making the move. I guess I'm at the best place I can possibly be right now.

Well, here's a low-down on the past year:

Hits (What I love about my job)

• Superb HR and admin
• Employee concerns are heard and addressed
• Stress free.. for once, I actually have a life outside the workplace!
• Loads of freebies! And food! =)
• Employees are sinfully honest :P Well, most are anyway :p Like you can leave food in the ref for a week and be assured no one will get it.
• Flexible rules

Miss (What I Miss, What Can be Better)

• I can't figure out why I still don't have a new friend among my "new" office mates. In my previous job, I knew almost everyone despite the company's size being five to six times that of the company where I work now.
• I miss teamwork! I especially miss the close bond I had with my former teammates. Only consolation is that I'm still in touch with them, and I know they'll be my friends for life! =)
• I miss challenging tasks...the kind that squeezes the brains out :P
• I miss the adrenaline high I get from completing a ton of tasks!
• I miss the ego-bloating feedback I got from my SMEs LOL (I guess feedback isn't a big thing here :P )
• I miss processes and order!
• I miss attending trainings

Well, I guess no job is perfect and you can never really have everything you want (otherwise, life will be too boring, won't it?:P). I can only be thankful as I begin my second year with this job, and try to bring a more positive attitude into it.

Blessings of the Month: August

With the month nearing its end, I was trying to think the other day about what my blessings for this month were. It seemed like there weren't any major stuff, but there were after all! So here goes...

• Just that the month of August is over, and we made it...woot! Infinite always finds a way...what can I say? =)
• My awakening and my whole new perspective on financial management...Finally got some answers to my concerns about the future.
• Superb thanks to a friend's tip on how/where to get side projects..something to look forward to...yayyy!

Employee Appreciation Day

I missed last year's Employee Appreciation Day by a week, but I got to participate in this year's event. As a company that always puts its employees' welfare first, the company I work for holds an Employee Appreciation Day every year (this year's was only the second, though). In our US offices, this would be celebrated in the form of picnics and stuff.

Well, picnics aren't quite feasible in Metro Manila, especially in the middle of the Makati Central Business District, so we just had dinner and some program at a rented function room. The theme was Filipiniana, and of course, we were all encouraged to dress up. There would be awards for the best dressed. The thing I appreciate about our company is that these kinds of things are never mandatory. Those who want to dress up can do so. It's no big deal, though, if you don't want to. What I've noticed is that the same people usually love to dress up and participate in things like this. Majority, of course (myself included), wouldn't even bother.

For this occasion, they just provided sombreros or whatever they're called and bandannas to be tied around the neck. This was to still have the Filipiniana feel despite not dressing up. The food was superb, of course (also having the Filipino theme), and a surprising twist was that the managers were the ones who served the food! Our VP and General Manager served as bartenders, serving sago gulaman (a Filipino beverage with tapioca and gelatin). I felt kinda sorry for them :P, but they were all sport about it.

We had games and stuff. Everything was pretty much impromptu. Another thing I like about our events is that we don't fuss much about preparations or programs. Those who want to perform may do so, but there's no pressure for anyone to do anything.

There was some silly Q&A for the Best in Costume, and as with any pageant, there was a "Hoh, my Gawd" moment (Gee, I miss James! =) ). One was asked what he/she can contribute to the company should he/she win... to which the person answered, "World peace!" Yeah! :))

Overall, it was a fun event. Although our team still isn't familiar with most of the other teams, I somehow felt I belonged. I guess that's a good sign, and as always, I really appreciate how much our company values its employees and how "pampered" we are.

Something to be Proud of...

I've recently participated in our company's Employee Stock Purchase Plan just because it was an incredibly good deal for us employees. I know I haven't been most enthusiastic about my job, but I read something from Yahoo! Financials that makes me really happy to be working here.

"...the shares are poised to rise with an expected cyclical recovery, due to the company's exposure to the architecture and engineering vertical that he thinks is starting to recover economically.

- Israel Hernandez, Barclays analyst

"He said he expects the company to increase its earnings guidance 'as we move through a recovery' in fiscal 2010 and 2011, and said the shares' low valuation is also appealing."

This just makes me proud to be working for a company that develops top-notch quality software. This also motivates me to work harder and makes me appreciate my role in the company better. This is probably why my main SME is so meticulous of everything -- as in everything! Well, maybe I should be more tolerant of her :P

The Case of the Opening/Closing CD Tray

I was watching movies on my PC the other night when my CD tray suddenly started opening and closing by itself. It sorta frightened me during the first few times it did that, but since I didn't get any goose bumps and neither did my hair stand on end, I dismissed it as some hardware malfunction.

As I meant to, of course I asked for help/ideas from Master Job. I was, however, surprised that he made a joke out of it -- insisting that it must have been a ghost or something. Ugh! And I never thought I'd hear something like that from this no-nonsense guy. I expected real help.

So finally, I got to get him back to his "no-nonsense" self, and he helped me uninstall the CD ROM in question, but the problem stayed the same even after restarting my PC. Anyway, Master Job, unable to defend his supernaturally-inspired theories, finally attributed the problem to a virus.

Out of desperation, I tried to Google (when did Google become a verb??? Why don't we say we Yahoo something?:P) it and voila, it turned out to be a pretty common problem!

Its causes are either: 1) when the button (for lack of a better term) used to open/close the CD ROM is sunken or when the spring inside that button has become loose; or 2) a virus.

One of the sites/forums I came across suggested using Cwshredder.zip and Spybot-Search and Destroy. It also recommended using SE Adaware, but the first two were enough to solve my problem. Well, actually, Cwshredder didn't find anything wrong with my system, so it was Spybot-Search and Destroy (did a double take on this...sounded like a movie title at first :P) that did the trick. Apparently, the virus was more like a malware that infected browsers; thus, the opening/closing of the CD tray started when I opened a browser (didn't matter what).

Cwshredder and Spybot-Search and Destroy are both very user-friendly, so I won't include boring instructions on how to use them. Won't include the links for downloading them either, for tomorrow those links might be dead. You can simply Google -- or Yahoo!, or Bing? -- them. These three applications are absolutely for free.

My Five-Day Break

Just got back from a five-day break. Not that I really needed the break, given that my life is pretty stress-free right now in terms of work. In the past years, I always looked forward to breaks in order to rejuvenate -- physically and mentally.

This time, the break was -- more or less -- just a chance to get away from it all. LOL. Yeah right, as if I went anywhere. Well, I just stayed holed up at home. But I guess this time gave me a chance to do other things that are different from what I usually do (I can hear Merl and Job exclaiming, "Facebook???" Well Facebook is relatively new to me, and I did a bunch of other things, too, so there :P) and to think of things I don't usually think about.

I tend to think a lot. Even while I'm multitasking, I'm still thinking about other things. Well, I was still thinking a lot during my so-called break, but at least I was thinking about other things.

Some of my realizations:

• Stop thinking too much. Sometimes it's okay to be impulsive and just do something. No holding back.
• I don't have to know everything. Maybe being surprised -- pleasantly or otherwise -- is good. Maybe sometimes ignorance is bliss.
• Distancing ourselves from things helps us better see things in perspective.
• In time, all the puzzle pieces will fall into place.
• God will always take care of me :)

Well, while the five-day break was quite fun and restful, I was starting to get bored, and although I find my job quite boring too, prolonging my break any more would probably start to drive me crazy. So I'm glad to get back to work, with my energy back to full bar.

Going with the Flow....?

Friends always give me the advice to go with the flow, to play it by ear, or to wait and see. But what does it really mean to go with the flow? Does it mean just being at a standstill and waiting for what happens next?

I never believe passivity. I sorta get turned off or disappointed with people who don't drive their lives and who just wait for whatever comes. Reminds me of the Parable of the Talent. If you just keep and bury your talents then yes, you preserve them, but you don't advance or improve either.

I may not be a church goer (still trying to be one!), but I have great faith in God. I trust Him with my life, and I believe that whatever I have now, or wherever I am now is because of Him. However, there's also a saying that goes, Help yourself and God will do the rest. No matter how much faith you have, your dreams won't just fall from the sky or magically appear in front of you. You have to make them happen.

Whenever I pray, I don't ask God to give me (something) or make (something) happen. I pray that He gives me the strength and perseverance to achieve something, or that He gives me the guidance so that I may make the right decision in order to make something happen, because at the end of the day, it won't be God or anyone else who'll do things for me but myself.

I hope I don't sound preachy, but I really don't understand what going with the flow means, or how it is to wait and see. Does it mean not doing anything? I asked a friend how it is to go with the flow, and he said something like, "If you don't already know then I can't tell you" (???). Another friend I asked couldn't tell either.

I was talking to yet another friend recently, and I think she got the impression that I'm taking matters into my own hands, that everything has to be up to me. And yes, of course, I take matters into my own hands and have to decide on everything, because really, only I am accountable for myself. Although I have steadfast faith in God, He has gifted me with free will so that I can run my life the way I see fit. I can only pray for guidance and hope that I correctly understand God's message so that I may be guided accordingly.

I recently saw the movie Serendipity, and I thought it was pretty silly or shallow (No offense to those who love the movie). I believe that you should go after what you want or believe in and not wait for destiny to make it happen for you, especially when the opportunity is already right in front of you.

I'm not a believer in destiny. I believe that we are the ones who make things happen. Although I agree that destiny does intervene sometimes and makes things happen that are beyond our control, I still think that we should take a more active role in steering our lives where we want to go.

Oldies and Freebies (What's on My Ipod Part IV)

This is the last installment for the What's on My Ipod? entries. These ones are mostly greatest hits albums and some not-so-new ones, which I got as freebies from the BMG website and from my dad :P

Blink 182 (Greatest Hits). Listening to this album transports me back to the early 2000s and makes me remember how things were then. Hmm, this is not really a sentimental album, but I guess Blink 182 was one of the firs rock bands who got into the emo thing. I was never really a fan and never bought an album during their heydays, but this one's a great collection of their hits, some with heartfelt lyrics and some just plain silly and funny :P

Coldplay (Parachutes; A Rush of Blood to the Head; X&Y). It's great listening to Colplay's hits, but I can't stand listening to them for hours at a time. I find their albums to generally be snoozers -- definitely not something I'd want to listen to if I want to perk myself up. Of course, this is still a good addition to my collection, and it's a good listen especially when you're in relaxing mode.

Green Day (American Idiot). Sure, I liked a lot of Green Day's songs, but I'd never dreamt of owning or even listening to an entire album just because I found them sorta "scandalous" or vulgar in their music style and messages. Jesus of Suburbia (the song and the video), for one, left me in a state of shock (so-to-speak) for a long time. But then my dad told me he had this album of Green Day, so I was, like, if my dad actually digs Green Day then why can't I? So I asked for his copy of this album, and surprisingly, I really liked it! Not as bad as I thought -- not at all...

Paula Abdul (Greatest Hits: Straight Up!). Yeah, I really loved Paula Abdul's music back then. Unfortunately, I could no longer find a lot of my albums after the 1990 earthquake (our house was a mess after that -- another story entirely LOL), so I was glad when I saw that I could get this album for free from the BMG website. All my faves are here. I was especially delighted that it includes the song Will You Marry Me, which I don't think was in the albums I had of her. I found this song cute then, and I still found it cute, now :P (And I can almost hear Merl giggling :P)

Roxette (A Collection of Roxette Hits). Another one of my old favorites and another one lost in the rubbles after the quake. Just great to go back to the good old days :)

Tiffany (Greates Hits). Hmm, I think she was the Cristina Aguilera of her time (Debbie Gibson being the Britney Spears of her time :P ). I really loved her then, and this album's just a great addition to my collection. Too bad the BMG site didn't have a Greatest Hits album of Debbie Gibson, though. I would've liked to have that more! :)

Deciphering Messages

Words are meant to be used in effective communication, but sometimes, even the simplest words are subject to interpretation. "No" can actually mean yes, and "yes" can actually mean no.

I may be quite gullible, but when it comes to "serious" (another subjective word!) stuff, I try not to take people's words at their face value. I try to delay reacting until I get more information. When someone says it's OK, I assume that it's really not OK until I get sufficient "proof" that it's really OK. Paranoia? Distrust? I don't know, but I know that more people are more comfortable with lying, omitting information, or sugarcoating the truth than saying outright what they really mean.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. This has always been my mantra. As an advocate of truth and honesty, I believe that being direct with our messages help keep things simple and clear, and help prevent misunderstandings and misconceptions. For this, I am often labelled as too blunt, frank, even aggressive?

Well, I'm not a people-pleaser, and I believe that you can always say what you really mean without being rude or crass. However, some people still take offense even when the message conveyed is true.

I always try to be upfront, and I somehow expect the same from others. In this particular predicament, I wish I could just get the message the way it's really meant. Oftentimes, people hide their messages behind nice words for fear of hurting or offending, but I think it's doing more damage when I keep thinking of what was said versus what was really meant.

Messages can have so many facets. They're often not what they seem at first, for when I try to analyze the message, there are so many possible meanings based on different scenarios. Now it's just causing me confusion.

Most people see bluntness and directness as sorta mean. I say it's the kinder way of conveying a message.

Not Giving Up

I finally got some answers to some of the questions that have been playing around in my mind recently. I finally mustered enough courage to ask, and now I understand more. The answers were neither positive nor negative, but they brought some clarity somehow. Mostly, though, they just made me see more the hopelessness -- or helplessness? -- of the situation.

Acceptance was a great lesson imparted to me by a friend. Acceptance of things as they are. Acceptance of who people are. Acceptance of situations -- that some things just can't be. But one thing I will never be able to accept is failure when you haven't even tried. When you accept that things just can't be just because of the possibility that things can't be or will never work out. When you'd rather accept failure and give up on something you really, really want just because you fear getting hurt if you don't succeed in getting that which you desire.

It's times like these when my stubbornness kicks in. When I truly believe in and strongly feel about something, I just can't take no for an answer. I just can't give up without a fight -- and this is something I'm willing to fight for. I knew from the start this was something I'll fight for and that hasn't changed.

However, I can't make it alone. When someone else is involved in an endeavor, that other person must be willing to fight for it, too. It saddens me that my teammate in this endeavor may have given up already.

I have some answers now, but surprisingly, it wasn't learning the answers that makes me feel at peace. I think that I'm more at peace now because I was able to at least air my side, and I think that helped clear a lot of things. Now, no matter what happens, I won't have what ifs about not letting myself heard.

I've passed the ball, and now the ball is on the other side of the court.

Longing for Change

I finally got some time from CC. After reassuring me that I shouldn't hesitate in going to him for advice, I poured out my thoughts and my seemingly unending questions about life to him, which he carefully pondered upon over cups of coffee. As usual and as expected, he again gave excellent advice, and instantly I felt enlightened. It seemed like my cloudy skies became clear and again I had the clarity of mind.

One thing he asked me, though, that I kept mulling about was that if I was indeed ready for the change I speak of, which might mean leaving the life I know now. Surprisingly -- maybe even irrationally -- my answer to that question is yes.

For some reason, I feel so strongly about it. Based on past experiences, such strong feelings and urges can mean only that it is the right thing for me to do, the right path to follow. Maybe it's also because, for some time now, I've had this great longing for change. Not just a change in the mundane, but something major. Maybe a change in location, a change in looks (???), a change in lifestyle?

I consider myself to be really boring. Back in my younger years, I always just focused on school. When I started working, I just focused on work. I never change my hairstyle. I still dress the same way as I always have. I don't travel to places unknown. I stick to what I'm good at. I don't take many risks. In short, I always play it safe.

So maybe now I'm starting to get tired of my usual routine -- of the predictability of things, and now I feel a restlessness amidst my peaceful and safe life. I long for something new and different.

In answer to CC's questions and concerns, I don't really see the change as leaving everything I know behind. I think it will be more like enriching my life -- adding new experiences to my very small box of experiences, being that I have had a very sheltered life.

Besides, it's not like changes are irreversible. I like having contingency plans in everything (part of my play-it-safe mindset), so I think that taking steps toward change doesn't necessarily mean I can't go back...or does it? Well, I'll make sure I can go back somehow -- sorta my own personal Undo button :P

So now that I'm all geared up for change, I just have to take that first step toward change, which might mean another battle entirely. I have first to determine where I'd like to introduce change in my life and have the courage to overcome my fears over the uncertainties that come with it.

Change is a lengthy process, but I think I should start it now -- little steps, one day at a time.

Facebook Mania

A friend recently encouraged me to be more active on Facebook. She actually "jump started" my Facebook experience by suggesting common friends and by showing me the ropes. Until then, I was really lazy to explore Facebook. I could hardly keep up with my emails as it is, and my Friendster account is awfully neglected. Another friend complained that I hadn't accepted her invite on Friendster. I think she sent another invite, but I have yet to accept it (sorry!).

Anyway, I now understand why the craze about Facebook. Now I kinda wish I'd joined sooner. It's much more interactive than other social networking sites, but what I love most about it is that it makes it so much easier to keep in touch with old and distant friends/colleagues. I'm surprised to be hearing even from colleagues from two jobs back.. wow!!!

It still takes time, though, for it to become fun and worthwhile. And now it seems kinda confusing because I got status updates on Twitter and status updates on Facebook. Then I've got people commenting on my blog on Facebook and then on Blogspot! It's becoming a tangled web of information :P

I generally like things to be simple and uncomplicated. Although I can be quite maarte (fussy), I usually prefer things to be simple and straightforward. This prevents confusion, and with all the daily nitty gritty of life, I don't want to add any unnecessary confusion to it.

Admittedly, all these social networking sites confuse me, so I never really got into them. But since I've got plenty of time on my hands and for the sake of keeping in touch with all my wonderful friends, I'll do my part to keep the lines of communication open.

Wealth Management Seminar

The company I work for is holding a series of wealth management seminars this month. We just finished the first one this week, which was conducted by WFMAI (World Financial Marketing Alliance, Inc.). At first, I thought it was just going to be another sales pitch, but it turned out to be very informative and not very product-centric. For the first time, here's insurance talk that I liked and which I might even buy into. By the way, WFMAI isn't an insurance company but a brokerage firm for insurance companies.

What interested me were the variable insurance and the mutual funds. I always thought of life insurances as something only your beneficiaries will enjoy as you have to be zapped out first before your loved ones can claim the insurance. However, with variable life, you can still enjoy your earnings if and when you reach your retirement age. I think that mutual funds are also nice because they're more of an investment than an insurance and you can potentially earn more than just saving your money in the bank.

Here are some lessons that I've learned:

On Saving. Saving calls for discipline. When we get our paychecks, we should pay ourselves first before we pay our other bills to ensure that we save a portion of our salaries. It also helps to think of our savings as a monthly bill and one that we must regularly pay.

Additional Income. When we get additional income from part-time jobs or side projects, we should use it to pay our debts and again save the rest instead of using it to incur more expenses. They said that our goal should be that we are debt-free (from credit cards, mortgages and other loans) by the time we retire.

Rule of 72. We can use this rule to determine how much time it takes for our money to double. According to the speaker, this rule/formula was created by Albert Einstein. Anyway, this rule says that

72
-------------- = number of years your money will double
interest rate

For example, your money is P100,000.00 and the interest rate is 4% then

72/4 = 18

meaning that your P100,000 will double only every 18 years. This is sort of a wake up call because most banks offer only a 1% interest per annum, so 72/1=72. This means your money will double only every 72 years..OMG!

Do note that this formula can be used regardless of the amount of money. It can also be used to determine how much time it takes for your debts to double.

Formula for Computing Wealth:

Money

+

Time

+/-

Rate of Return

-

Inflation

-

Taxes

--------------------

WEALTH

Where to Save:

Banks. Banks earn 8-12% from the money we deposit and they give us 1-4%. Hmm..no fair!

Insurance. Insurance companies earn 8-12% from our money and they give us 4-6%. Slightly better...

Professionally managed money. These companies earn 8-12% from our money and also give us 8-12% in return. I'm not very sure what these are, but I guess these are the stocks, mutual funds and the like.

Six Steps to Financial Management:

I won't bother to explain each of these, as I might get them wrong, so just read on:)

1. 
   
   Increase cash flow.
   
   
   
2. 
   
   Manage debt.
   
   
   
3. 
   
   Create an emergency fund.
   
   
   
4. 
   
   Ensure proper protection (in case you live too short LOL).
   
   
   
5. 
   
   Build long-term asset accumulation (in case you live too long:P ).
   
   
   
6. 
   
   Ensure your estate.
   
   
   

Well, WFMAI offers free seminars or whatcha-macall-'em to anyone who's interested to know more about these things and the products they're selling. And just because I was pretty impressed with their "seminar", here's their address for those who'd like to inquire:

3/F A&V Crystal Tower

105 Esteban St., Makati City

Tel Nos. 812-11-88 loc 115, 118, 124