My Cowardice

As I was stirring awake this morning, in that moment between sleep and consciousness, I tried to remember what just took place, and it all came flooding back. I sorta regretted why I even tried to remember, as for a moment, I was blissfully oblivious and just enjoying my last moments of sleep before I had to get up yet again. As the memories came rushing back, it was as though cold water was poured on me and the heaviness immediately started growing in my chest.

It's times like these when I can't seem to muster the courage to go on. When conflicts like this arise where I haven't much control, my first instinct is always to bolt and to distance myself as much as possible from the situation. Even before the real "catastrophe" occurs, I tend to already stay away for fear of getting much more hurt if I stick around to witness the fall.

I know I'm a pretty courageous and brave girl in most things. Not instances like this, though. With this kind of situation, I always tend to be passive and just let things happen, not really making an effort to drive things in the direction I want.

In this recent occurrence, this would easily be my approach again. It has protected me before and surely, it will protect me again should I choose to go down that road. However, there's a nagging voice in me asking what if I stay? Can good things come of it if I just try to stick it out for once and confront my fears and conflicts instead of trying to escape? Do I just run away every time something becomes too much for me to handle?

When there are pros and cons to both running away and standing still, when logic and intuition can't favor one over the other, what should I do? Maybe for once I should stop playing it safe and be brave enough to take that path I've never taken.