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I was reading through some of my last entries and I was suddenly inspired to write something new here.I have tried to avoid blogging as it can be quite distracting -- from the seemingly more important things in life. But maybe I should start blogging again... yeah right, how many times have I made that resolution?
Anyway, I hadn'tt realized that it's been almost a year since I last wrote something here, and looking back, wow! How my life as changed since then -- and for the better, too!
I never would have thought I'd reach this place. If Id been told a year ago that things would be like this a year later, I would have been really skeptical. But yeah, I'm in a much better place now - mentally, physically, and spiritually. I finally got myself out of the rut that seemed to have no end.
I've met a lot of wonderful people during the past year and I absolutely love the work that I do.
All in all, I can't complain. Although I won't be surprised if I find myself seeking a new adventure after a while, I believe that for the moment, I'm at the best place I can possibly be.
It's true that we get to appreciate things mostly on hindsight. Well, who knew? :)
I have recently realized that friendship has developed a new and deeper meaning for me.
"Friend" was a word I took for granted in the past. I had no trouble calling people my friends.
However, I've realized that there's more to friendship than just joking around with each other, laughing together, or being "nice" to one another. For me, these have all become superficiality that in no way indicates true friendship.
I have always been cynical towards niceties -- and even more so now. I have always frowned upon being patronized and neither do I see value in patronizing others. For me, true friendship means honesty, trust, and truly having each other's back -- not necessarily consenting to misdeeds, but being there to reprimand so that the misdeeds can be corrected.
I am a great proponent of tough love. I think the world needs more of this as I find this to be more genuine and sincere. Anyone can give you a smile, anyone can be "nice" to you, but not many can tell you honestly and truthfully what you need to know even if it's not what you want to know. Not many can stand by you and believe in you enough to see you through the difficult times. Not many can truly want what's best for you and be happy for your successes.
As Mystical Experience said, we go through several "filtering processes" in our lives where we are given the chance to sort and filter out the people in our lives.
I used to not understand people who claim to have a small circle of friends. I thought this too be too limiting -- even a bit discriminatory. Why not welcome everyone into your circle of friends? Isn't that the right thing to do? But after this changed perception of friendship, I realized that I could count my friends with the fingers of one hand.
I am thankful, though, for having genuine people in my life -- no matter how few they are -- and for having been given the chance to filter out those whom I don't need. This may sound harsh, but then again, that's tough love... and this time, I am directing that love towards myself.
All these past months -- actually, this past year even -- they've been telling me that I need to learn a lesson -- to be confident, to believe in myself, and to be unmindful of what others think.
I didn't understand this at all. Everyone who knows me would say that I don't lack confidence at all -- they would even laugh at the thought. Although I'm awfully shy (and no, no one believes that either), I'd like to think of myself as confident enough and that I believe in myself enough to have gotten to where I'm currently at.
Yet a year later, they still have the same messages for me. And only very recently did I understand what they meant. I think I know now what the lesson I have to learn is. It was such an enlightening experience -- like a light bulb going off in my head -- a major "Aha" moment. All of a sudden, the messages made complete sense.
It's true that we are being guided, that we are being sent messages (in whatever form) to lead us in the right direction. We only have to know how to listen and to understand the messages we receive and to not interpret them too literally.
With this new found insight and understanding, I go with confidence as I start a new journey in my life.
I was finallly leaving after three fustrating years and I sorta felt empty for not feeling any tug of sadness upon my departure. I felt that I didn't have any attachments there and I was only too happy and excited to finally be leaving and starting anew.
I said goodbye to Mr. Guru and just as comfortable as my first conversation with him was some three years ago, saying goodblye was just as comfortable, with the easy chatter and banter between old friends.
When he said "Bye pink" I was immediately brought to tears and I realized that I have had some attachments after all. Meeting someone like him is a rarity and then I thought, no one will ever call me pink again :(
It was followed by some more hreart-wrenching goodbyes and I realized that I have made more friends than I thought after all. Although I'm leaving with some severed ties, the bridges I've built far outweigh them, and these I'll lways take with me.
I've stopped watching cartoons when I was 12 years old. It was just a thing, I guess, to symbolize the end of my childhood and the start of becoming a lady. But the one thing I'll never get tired of watching is Cinderella -- or any fairy tale for that matter.
Well, maybe that's what makes me so fascinated with Prince William and then Kate Middleton.Well, although they both look adorable, I think what interests me most about them is their being down-to-earth. They seem like such good people who don't let the fame and prestige get over their heads.
They also kinda make you think that true love still exists -- the kind that transcends personal and societal differences - that at the end of the day, it's how you regard each other that counts.
Although a lot of people mock the fuss that's going on around this royal couple, I think what they bring is some form of hope and positivity in this world that's full of anger, hatred and broken relationships. I think that a lot of people -- including me -- find them inspiring.
Well, I wish the both luck. I believe they'll be able to make it work, so kudos! :)
I spent the Holy Week at home. My nephews from Baguio spent the most part of the week with me, and it was nice to spend some time with them, especially since I haven't seen them for months.
I was surprised at how behaved they are now from the last time I saw them. I taught them how to play Scrabble and was surprised at how fast they learned. It was just funny how the younger one acted so much like my little brother when we were still kids. Like father, like son!
They immensely enjoyed the swimming pool, which I haven't tried myself. Again, I have this thing of losing interest in something once I've achieved it. They were ALWAYS hungry haha..but they were also so sweet :) Not a day went by that I didn't get a "Thank you, Tita" (Thank you, Auntie).
We all even ended up sleeping on my bed, which was kinda crazy, but again, it was sweet of them :)
Although I didn't get to do what I planned for the Holy Week, I really had a fun time with those two cuties :)
I'm the type who's more interested in the whys and hows rather than the whats. I have a fascination for going to psychics, but I'm not as much interested in the outcome as I am in how the outcome will be reached or why things will end up a certain way.
The first time I talked to Levy, he nicely and correctly said the following about me (verbatim):
You're focused on the living that happens in life, not the last page of the book.
People delude themselves all the time, looking for the happy ending, only to find that you have to live the book in order to find a happy last page.
And this is true. I have always been more interested in the journey than the destination, that's why I find myself seeking more challenges and new goals as I overcome a challenge or reach a goal. The excitement over reaching a goal soon dies out, so I need to keep finding new goals to keep the previous goal meaningful even after the euphoria I feel over it fades.
In everything I do and in any situation I'm caught in, I don't really need to know what's in it for me so much as why it's happening to me; and how I can make the most of it if it's a good thing, or how I can overcome it if it's a not-so-good thing.
I'm currently in such a place. However, in this current ordeal, I don't even have a destination so the journey is undefined. I feel stuck, with nowhere to go. As Infinite pointed out, to move forward is impossible and to move backward is undesirable. So it seems there's nowhere to go.
I'm currently at a standstill -- waiting, though I don't even know what I'm waiting for. For some wisdom perhaps? For a light bulb to go off in my head that would tell me how to get myself unstuck? For destiny to take its course and just take it from here?
Then again, I ask why? I believe that there's a reason for everything. Even the smallest thing that happens to us happens for a reason. So there must be a reason why I'm trapped in these four walls with nowhere to go.
Will I suddenly grow wings so that I could soar above these walls and get out of this trap?
All I have are questions for now. Sometimes it's easier not to deal with the questions when you don't have the answers. Well, if only I can tell my brain to stop thinking.
As Leonardo DiCaprio's character says in the movie, an idea is the most resilient bacteria or virus. Once implanted into one's mind, it seems to have a life of its own and can grow either in a constructive or destructive way.
I just saw this at work recently -- how an idea that's implanted into one's mind can give birth to other ideas that may not even be true. Ideas have been implanted in my mind, too, and for sure, they left me feeling disturbed for some time.
I'm just really thankful that I'm surrounded by good people who still believe in honesty and openness. And although it was kinda shocking to learn about these implanted ideas, I'm just glad that we were able to kill them before they could contaminate others.
On second thought, however, maybe the virus has already spread too much to be contained. In that case, I'll just keep myself immunized and watch while the virus does a reversal.
Everyone loves puppets -- or I guess everyone does -- both the young and old alike. And why not? Puppets are cute, plus they do whatever you want them to do. With puppets, you become their story-teller. Yo feel somewhat godlike as you control every move that the puppet makes.
Kids are especially fond of these toys, and sometimes they never outgrow them. It even translates to real life where some people greatly favor people who willingly become their puppets. I guess people never stop to like playing -- especially playing gods. Some people just love to bask in power and the knowledge that they can make people follow their whims.
And then there are the puppets. Unlike the puppet masters, puppets feel weak and unsure of themselves. They find it safer and easier to just follow their master around -- even to the point of turning a blind eye at the wrong that they see. All for the sake of pleasing their masters...or maybe for the fear of displeasing?
I was telling a friend one time that there are three ways that come to mind by which people try to reach their goals. One is the self-assured and assertive type who know themselves, know what they've got, and use these to get to where they want to go. Then there are those who have what it takes and yet do not have enough faith and belief in themselves. They simply wait to be recognized and wait for others to push them ahead.
And then there are the puppets. Puppets may or may not have what what it takes, but in order to ensure that they get to where they want to go fast , they cling to their masters who will surely take them along for the ride. They are willing to be at their masters' beck and call to ensure that they continue to stay on their masters' good side. And why not? It's a win-win situation for both.
So sure, puppets will get to their destination more surely and maybe even more quickly than either their active or passive human counterparts. But I wonder...at the end of the day, will they have something to be proud of?
It amazes me how people go to such lengths to save themselves. What I really wanted to say was, to save their a?$!**.
I just realized recently that even people who you've thought all along were good people -- people whom you thought were incapable of doing anything bad -- would become very calculating, cunning, and manipulative just to protect themselves from things that -- most likely -- they've brought upon themselves.
This really makes me admire people who make mistakes but who are courageous and brave enough to own up to these mistakes and still have a positive outlook on things. I think that these are the truly good people -- people whose values and character do not change even in bad times. These are people who still have a clear and strong understanding of their values even when it means that they will be humiliated, embarrassed, or accused.
It also made me realize that the spirit is too weak to stand up for what is right and that it's so much easier to go to the other side if it means redemption -- at any cost.
This really disappoints me and it shows again how naive I am. But then again, it also adds to my ever growing cynicism and distrust of the world.
I pray that I don't become one of these people who would put their personal interests above what's right and just -- no matter how successful or rich I get and no matter how bad the situation I get caught in is.
I believe that honesty is the best policy. I believe that if you're honest in all your ways then you wouldn't have to resort to cunning and manipulative ways to preserve your dignity. I pray that I never forget this and that I don't get influenced by the growing number of people I know who get ahead in life through such ways. I pray that, although there are really only few good men left in this world, their influence would always get the better of me.
