Friendship Revised

I have recently realized that friendship has developed a new and deeper meaning for me.

"Friend" was a word I took for granted in the past. I had no trouble calling people my friends.
However, I've realized that there's more to friendship than just joking around with each other, laughing together, or being "nice" to one another. For me, these have all become superficiality that in no way indicates true friendship.

I have always been cynical towards niceties -- and even more so now. I have always frowned upon being patronized and neither do I see value in patronizing others. For me, true friendship means honesty, trust, and truly having each other's back -- not necessarily consenting to misdeeds, but being there to reprimand so that the misdeeds can be corrected.

I am a great proponent of tough love. I think the world needs more of this as I find this to be more genuine and sincere. Anyone can give you a smile, anyone can be "nice" to you, but not many can tell you honestly and truthfully what you need to know even if it's not what you want to know. Not many can stand by you and believe in you enough to see you through the difficult times. Not many can truly want what's best for you and be happy for your successes.

As Mystical Experience said, we go through several "filtering processes" in our lives where we are given the chance to sort and filter out the people in our lives.

I used to not understand people who claim to have a small circle of friends. I thought this too be too limiting  -- even a bit discriminatory. Why not welcome everyone into your circle of friends? Isn't that the right thing to do? But after this changed perception of friendship, I realized that I could count my friends with the fingers of one hand.

I am thankful, though, for having genuine people in my life -- no matter how few they are -- and for having been given the chance to filter out those whom I don't need. This may sound harsh, but then again, that's tough love... and this time, I am directing that love towards myself.

The Lesson

All these past months -- actually, this past year even -- they've been telling me that I need to learn a lesson -- to be confident, to believe in myself, and to be unmindful of what others think.


I didn't understand this at all. Everyone who knows me would say that I don't lack confidence at all -- they would even laugh at the thought. Although I'm awfully shy (and no, no one believes that either), I'd like to think of myself as confident enough and that I believe in myself enough to have gotten to where I'm currently at.


Yet a year later, they still have the same messages for me. And only very recently did I understand what they meant. I think I know now what the lesson I have to learn  is. It was such an enlightening experience -- like a light bulb going off in my head -- a major "Aha" moment. All of a sudden, the messages made complete sense.


It's true that we are being guided, that we are being sent messages (in whatever form) to lead us in the right direction. We only have to know how to listen and to understand the messages we receive and to not interpret them too literally.


With this new found insight and understanding, I go with confidence as I start a new journey in my life.

Fairy Tale Come True

I've stopped watching cartoons when I was 12 years old. It was just a thing, I guess, to symbolize the end of my childhood and the start of becoming a lady. But the one thing I'll never get tired of watching is Cinderella -- or any fairy tale for that matter.


Well, maybe that's what makes me so fascinated with Prince William and then Kate Middleton.Well, although they both look adorable, I think what interests me most about them is their being down-to-earth. They seem like such good people who don't let the fame and prestige get over their heads.


They also kinda make you think that true love still exists -- the kind that transcends personal and societal differences - that at the end of the day, it's how you regard each other that counts.


Although a lot of people mock the fuss that's going on around this royal couple, I think what they bring is some form of hope and positivity in this world that's full of anger, hatred  and broken relationships. I think that a lot of people -- including me -- find them inspiring.


Well, I wish the both luck. I believe they'll be able to make it work, so kudos! :)

Why?

I'm the type who's more interested in the whys and hows rather than the whats. I have a fascination for going to psychics, but I'm not as much interested in the outcome as I am in how the outcome will be reached or why things will end up a certain way.

The first time I talked to Levy, he nicely  and correctly said the following about me (verbatim):

You're focused on the living that happens in life, not the last page of the book.

People delude themselves all the time, looking for the happy ending, only to find that you have to live the book in order to find a happy last page.
 
And this is true. I have always been more interested in the journey than the destination, that's why I find myself seeking more challenges and new goals as I overcome a challenge or reach a goal. The excitement over reaching a goal soon dies out, so I need to keep finding new goals to keep the previous goal meaningful even after the euphoria I feel over it fades.
 
In everything I do and in any situation I'm caught in, I don't really need to know what's in it for me so much as why it's happening to me; and how I can make the most of it if it's a good thing, or how I can overcome it if it's a not-so-good thing.
 
I'm currently in such a place. However, in this current ordeal, I don't even have a destination so the journey is undefined. I feel stuck, with nowhere to go. As Infinite pointed out, to move forward is impossible and to move backward is undesirable. So it seems there's nowhere to go.
 
I'm currently at a standstill -- waiting, though I don't even know what I'm waiting for. For some wisdom perhaps? For a light bulb to go off in my head that would tell me how to get myself unstuck? For destiny to take its course and just take it from here?
 
Then again, I ask why? I believe that there's a reason for everything. Even the smallest thing that happens to us happens for a reason. So there must be a reason why I'm trapped in these four walls with nowhere to go.
Will I suddenly grow wings so that I could soar above these walls and get out of this trap?
 
All I have are questions for now. Sometimes it's easier not to deal with the questions when you don't have the answers. Well, if only I can tell my brain to stop thinking.

Inception

As Leonardo DiCaprio's character says in the movie, an idea is the most resilient bacteria or virus. Once implanted into one's mind, it seems to have a life of its own and can grow either in a constructive or destructive way.

I just saw this at work recently -- how an idea that's implanted into one's mind can give birth to other ideas that may not even be true. Ideas have been implanted in my mind, too, and for sure, they left me feeling disturbed for some time.

I'm just really thankful that I'm surrounded by good people who still believe in honesty and openness. And although it was kinda shocking to learn about these implanted ideas, I'm just glad that we were able to kill them before they could contaminate others.

On second thought, however, maybe the virus has already spread too much to be contained. In that case, I'll just keep myself immunized and watch while the virus does a reversal.

Puppets

Everyone loves puppets -- or I guess everyone does -- both the young and old alike. And why not? Puppets are cute, plus they do whatever you want them to do. With puppets, you become their story-teller. Yo feel somewhat godlike as you control every move that the puppet makes.

Kids are especially fond of these toys, and sometimes they never outgrow them. It even translates to real life where some people greatly favor people who willingly become their puppets. I guess people never stop to like playing -- especially playing gods. Some people just love to bask in power and the knowledge that they can make people follow their whims.

And then there are the puppets. Unlike the puppet masters, puppets feel weak and unsure of themselves. They find it safer and easier to just follow their master around -- even to the point of turning a blind eye at the wrong that they see. All for the sake of pleasing their masters...or maybe for the fear of displeasing?

I was telling a friend one time that there are three ways that come to mind by which people try to reach their goals. One is the self-assured and assertive type who know themselves, know what they've got, and use these to get to where they want to go. Then there are those who have what it takes and yet do not have enough faith and belief in themselves. They simply wait to be recognized and wait for others to push them ahead.

And then there are the puppets. Puppets may or may not have what what it takes, but in order to ensure that they get to where they want to go fast , they cling to their masters who will surely take them along for the ride. They are willing to be at their masters' beck and call to ensure that they continue to stay on their masters' good side. And why not? It's a win-win situation for both.

So sure, puppets will get to their destination more surely and maybe even more quickly than either their active or passive human counterparts. But I wonder...at the end of the day, will they have something to be proud of?

Shield

They say the opposite of love is not hate -- that it is indifference. Yes, that may be true. But maybe there's another side to it. Sometimes indifference can serve as a defense mechanism. As they say, you'll be happier if you didn't care so much about everyone's lives and everyone's worries.

It was three or so years ago when TNB told me that I think too much and that I shouldn't be worrying too much about other people's concerns or else I'd go crazy. "Let them worry about their own lives," he said.

I've been trying to do that -- and maybe I've even overdone it. I feel that if there's something I can't control then it's best to not just care about it. Pretend that it's not there.

Detachment has also been a trick I've learned. I guess this goes hand in hand with indifference. Nothing ever lasts or stays the same, so not getting too attached makes it easier to let go and move on.

I know this is such a cynical -- maybe even pessimistic -- take on things, but we do what we can to survive. Although the human spirit is strong, it can take only so many blows, so you gotta put something in place to protect it -- an outer layer that will help reduce the intensity of these blows.

With that in mind, I don't think indifference is so bad -- definitely not necessarily the opposite of love. Maybe it can even be brought on by love for one's self. Sometimes it's really the only choice you've got.

Cocoon

I can never understand why some people are so afraid of change and of coming out of their comfort zone.

I believe I'm a conformist and that I like sticking to proven ways, yet at the same time, I'm totally open to change. I believe that change brings some excitement with it -- excitement from something unknown or mysterious. Excitement over the challenges that will need to be overcome. And of course, they will be overcome -- but the excitement lies in the creativity and resourcefulness required in doing so.

Life will be so boring if we just stick to what we already know -- to what we're comfortable with. Yes, it's nice and cozy staying inside our shells -- our cocoons -- but how can we become butterflies if we refuse to come out?

I find it really frustrating when people resist change, even when the change is clearly for the better. And for what reason? For the fear of appearing ignorant? For the fear of appearing mediocre? But then, won't ignorance and mediocrity be all the more apparent if we refuse to adapt to new ways and adjust our mindsets to be open to new ideas?

Not knowing is not ignorance. Not being the best is not mediocrity.

It's being open. It's learning. It's growth.

Refusing to explore new possibilities, well...it's just stupid.

Puzzle Pieces

As usual, my mind has been working on overdrive these past months. And somehow, my many questions and wondering still manage to enter my mind no matter how busy I am. But then, somehow, I think I got the answers to some of my questions. I sorta understand things -- and even myself -- better. It's like puzzle pieces that are finally falling into place  -- with the answers coming to me from seemingly out of nowhere.

The weird thing is that these new realizations -- which are probably a part of the answer to the big question -- are not dissuading me from my belief. Rather, they strengthen my belief even more. They even support it. Now, I have no more fears inside me. Although doubts still try to confuse me, it seems my belief has grown so strong that it overshadows these doubts. I know it's kinda absurd, but I have sorta embraced this belief as my truth. I feel more comfortable with it now and more accepting of what it will bring me.

I know that the puzzle pieces will all fall into place in time. Whatever the resulting picture is, I seem to be at peace with it already. I just hope I can muster the patience to wait.

Satisfied

Love this song...thanks to the Fox!

Lost for Words

At first there was relief
Now there's only sadness
I didn't have time for grief
I didn't think it'd be a mess.


By now it should have faded
Now there should be no more
It should have left me jaded
But still remains at the core.


Running from my shadow,
Running from my dreams
To the next plains I must go
These illusions I must leave.

Stubborn or What?

It's funny how we seek answers about things and yet become prejudiced about the answers we get. Why do we seek answers if we can't accept them anyway? If we will still insist on what we believe in anyway? Is it because of our need for confirmation of the things we believe in? Is it because we need assurance that we're on the right path?

My friends know me for my curiosity. For some reason, people whom I meet can tell that about me right away. Maybe it's because I ask too many questions? I can also be "makulit" (persistent, insistent). Some people get annoyed that I ask too much while some -- and I think there are more of this -- find it amusing and are only too happy to indulge me. I guess the latter are mostly the people who like to talk and to answer questions, and I'm only too happy to listen...and to ask some more. It's fascinating how I do absorb a lot of the information I'm told. MindReader just mused (incredulously LOL) about how I remember everything -- maybe it's more of a female quality LOL.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of asking, listening, and absorbing. But I've sorta been getting somewhat contradictory information, and now the problem is understanding. Understanding which of this information is true or valid. I believe, too, that I've been getting bits and pieces of the answers I seek. While they do make sennse and my head's giving a vigorous nod, there's a voice from my gut feel that's screaming "No!"

Although I've gotten some enlightenment from a friend about the difference between intuitive and logical thinking, I'm still struggling to separate the two. Logic steps in so quickly that I don't even have time to process what my intuition is saying. Logic is able to rationalize it so well, but why is my gut feel still struggling to be heard above the loud reasoning of my logic?

I wonder if I'm just being stubborn to accept the obvious, or if my intuition is somehow justified in not wanting to shut up and stay mum. They say that in time all the puzzle pieces will fall into place, which will lead to an understanding of everything that is being and has been. So then I guess only time will tell. Until then, though, the silent war between my logic and intuition shall continue to rage.

Up Again

It;'s amazing how I'm on the roller coaster ride again. I thought it has come to a stop, but it seems I'm at the roller coaster's peak again.

It's crazy how things get broken down then quickly rebuilt. As Miss C and Miss Battery said, this must be how things are meant to be...our destiny.

The One that Got Away

Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

(This is a repost of a friend's repost...I think this kinda makes sense...)

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, one who WILL ALWAYS MEAN SOMETHING. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with… and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with whom everything was great, everything was perfect, but THE TIMING WAS WRONG. There was NO FAULT IN THE PERSON, there was NO FLAW IN THE CHEMISTRY, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. IT HAS TO DO WITH YOU BEING READY TO SETTLE DOWN AND COMMIT TO SOMEONE IN A WAY THAT GOES BEYOND THE LITTLE NICETIES OF GIDDY ROMANCE.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequentially become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flash-point of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens, you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And, it’ll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully, you’re single, but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale-like you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been”, but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who is already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not too late? Simple… find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, WHAT IF YOU GOT THAT ONE?

ASK HIM OUT TO COFFEE; ASK HER OUT TO A MOVIE. It doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, YOU JUST MIGHT BE “THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

“Everything happens for a reason…”, said the one that got away.

Keeping the Peace

I've finally attained some peace after weeks of trying to get myself grounded.


Now I'm careful in how I move lest I disturb the peace.


Allow me to bask in it for awhile, for I know this  is just another lull in the storm...

Simpler is Better

This is the slogan of a company where I used to work, and somehow I've tried to incorporate this way of thinking into my daily life.


Whenever I encounter difficult situations, I try to simplify them before I even try to think of a solution for them. And now I'm trying to employ the same principle on how to better handle an endeavor that has long been failing and getting stuck because of the original aim of thinking big and doing things big.


Despite the many who thought that this was the way to go, it just didn't work. We're obviously still where we used to be -- well, maybe we've made a teeny weeny bit of progress, but I can't help thinking that we could have accmplished more had we approached things differently.


Although I'm all for dreaming big and seeing the big picture, I believe that it's better to start small and to take baby steps. After all, isn't that nature's way of growing things?


Similarly, in the efforts to grow the seeds of an ideal, I think it's best to keep goals and expectations small and simple. This way, it will be easier and faster to get gratification from efforts, which can otherwise lead to frustration. It is also a popular belief that there is strength in numbers, that more heads are better than one. But I think that more than the number, commitment and the quality (for lack of a better term) of the minds at work are more important. A bunch of half-hearted wills (again, for the lack of a better term) is really quite useless when compared to a few who strongly believe in the same ideal.


I met with a small group of colleagues in efforts to continue pursuing an ideal, and I must say that enthusiasm is indeed contagious. I hope we can sustain this eagerness, as frustration, discouragement, and the lack of commitment are just as contagious.


With fresh minds joining in and with our optimism rejuvenated, I have high hopes that maybe, just maybe, this time it will finally work.

Power Starved

It seems I've talked about this so many times before under different circumstances, involving different people. But somehow it keeps recurring.

I can never understand why some people just crave attention, which sometimes -- maybe often? -- leads to the craving for power. It amazes me, for instance, how some people have a way of turning every conversation so that it becomes about them. Why do they always feel the need to steal the show? Is that their feeble attempt to feel -- err, seem -- important? Or smart perhaps?

And then there are the people who easily fall for flattery. I hate flattery, especially if  it's obviously the empty kind. So many people get manipulated through flattery, and I just don't get it. I'm not probably the best person at handling flattery. I'm not particularly good at taking compliments. I let them in one ear and out the other. I'm too cynical to accept any form of flattery or compliment as sincere. Anyhow, I know myself, so what others say don't really matter. It just irks me how some people let flattery get into their heads, making them suddenly act all-important when the flattery is so obviously untrue.

And then there are people who don't need attention or flattery to think greatly of themselves. Of course, self esteem and self confidence are important and even encouraged , but there are just some people who put themselves on a pedestal and don't take the time to realistically and truthfully evaluate themselves.What's worse is that they think they're so great that everyone else is less than they are.These are usually the type of people who stop at nothing to get ahead -- even to the ploint of undermining others.

Well, I'm obviously someone who hates attention, flattery, egotism, and most especially the cunning. I believe that if you're really good then people will know your worth without you having to broadcast it. I believe that you can assert yourself and get ahead without stepping on other people's toes.

I truly admire people who keep low profiles and yet are successful and well known for what they do. I think that people who keep calling attention to themselves are really insecure and are grasping at straws in order to get the attention and power they crave.

I would admire quiet confidence more. The truly confident are secure in themselves and do not feel the need to get other people's approval to know their worth.

Eye Opener

I was talking to CS about the same things I talked to Infinite about. But for some reason, Infinite and I couldn't understand each other's point of view while it was so easy with CS.

At any rate, I finally understood what Infinte was trying to say, thanks to CS, and it seemed so clear to me. I felt so enlightened.

I have been meeting more and more people who are against the church -- mostly the Catholic church, but I realize now that it may as well be any church. I mistook that to mean they were against God to which I revolted -- for lack of a better term at the moment.

Save for the aetheists (no offense!), I've realized that it's possible to believe in God without subscribing to everything that the church -- any church -- says. Churches are, after all, man-made and subject to imperfections just as the next human being is.

What's saddening -- and perhaps frustrating -- is that some people equate their belief in God to the credibility of their church. Just because church leaders fail in one way or another doesn't mean that there's no God or that God is not as good as these church leaders say He is.


I guess I was being too idealistic to think that church leaders are infallible because they're not. A week ago I was attending mass with a friend, and the priest had some "commercials" before the mass ended. He was selling some religious materials where orders could be placed through his email addrss, customized cellphone number (a number that spells out his name), and even a Facebook account! Ugh...I was trying hard not to roll my eyes. My friend said that the priest was even texting while the choir was singing (Couldn't wait to follow up on those orders?). OMG!!!

Even the Bible is flawed, they say. But then again, the Bible has also been written by men who were just as imperfect as you and I. Besides, the Bible has been translated in so many ways, so many times that the author's intended meaning could have been lost in translation.

To make things more complicated, Bible text isn't as straightforward as a user's guide where there is no ambiguity and one procedure step can only mean one thing. It seems that the Bible's meaning can be interpreted in many ways -- literally or not-so-literally, and this again can be manipulated by churches and church leaders to serve their purpose. They can be twisted to mean anything, and people would believe them without question.

In addition, I've heard a lot of stories about how the Vatican is bathed in gold and how Vatican priests live like princes. I personally know nothing of this. I think this side of the Catholic church is kept hidden from most people, except for the few who had the privilege of seeing it for themselves. Although I'm not inclined to believe this -- or maybe I don't want to -- the many stories I hear prompt me to keep an open mind.

All these realizations do not dissolve my faith in any means. It just makes it clear to me that I should direct my faith in God and not in any church and to start trusting in my own values more than in the dogmas that churches teach. Religions evolve to cope with the times, but faith in God should always hold steadfast.

My Prayer

If You will it for me, please give me the strength to carry on.
If not, please give me the strength to let go....

Listening In

They always tell me to trust my intuition. But intuition and logic seem to get mixed in, making it hard for me to identify one from the other. I believe both are gifts. Our intuition helps us sense and see things that are not readily obvious while logic helps us make sense of the things we see.

My gut feel has proven me right a lot of times. Lately, however, my gut feel seems to be drowned out by what my logic tells me. My logic seems to be screaming so loud that I don't even get enough time to process what my intuition's telling me before logic takes over.

Perhaps I should learn to silence my logic for once. That seems a scary thought, but perhaps not everything has to or can be explained. Perhaps it isn't necessary to make sense of everything. Perhaps a little chaos would do some good.

As I remember my resolution for this year, perhaps I should just go for it and throw caution to the wind.